South Park vs. MacFarlane Survivor
Episode 1
(The camera pans over the landscape of the outback country of eastern Australia. The picture then zooms in on Season 1's runner-up, Bart Simpson.)
Bart: Hey! I bet you didn't expect to see me here, did ya? As it turns out, the runner-up from the previous season is contractually obligated to host the next season. So, instead of lounging on the couch watching re-runs of Itchy & Scratchy, I have to baby-sit, I mean host sixteen new contestants for this season of Survivor. This time, we're in Australia as 8 kids from South Park, Colorado and 8 people from the Seth MacFarlane universe are set to do battle for one million dollars. (Looks out at the ocean where he hears a noise in the distance) It looks as if the survivors are about to arrive, so let's go meet them now.
(Bart walks over to the shore of east Australia as two motorboats carrying eight survivors each land on the beach. Out of the first motorboat emerge eight short white kids dressed in winter clothing despite the warm climate. These are the new members of the South Park tribe, who will wear brown clothes. They are, in no particular order: Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Kyle's brother Ike Broflovski, Wendy Testaburger, Bebe Stevens, Kenny McCormick and Butters Stotch.)
Bart: What up, South Park Tribe? I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
Kenny: (words muffled by his orange parka)
Bart: Wait, what did he say?
Kyle: He said his name is Kenny, and I'm Kyle. Nice to meet you. (Kyle and Bart shake hands.)
Cartman: Don't trust him Bart, he's a dirty ginger Jersey Jew rat.
Kyle: Shut the (bleep) up Cartman.
Cartman: (Bleep) you Kyle, you (bleep)ing asshole.
Bart: Ay caramba! The guys in charge of censorship are going to be busy this season.
(While that is going on, eight more survivors emerge from the second motorboat. These are the members of the MacFarlane Tribe, who will wear orange. They are: Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glen Quagmire, Cleveland Brown, Stan Smith, Francine Smith, and lastly, Brian Griffin, the host from Season 1.)
Bart: What up Brian? I haven't seen you since the final tribal council.
Brian: Nothing out of the ordinary. Sipping martinis, traveling back in time with Stewie, chasing down cars for reasons I can't remember. Good times, really good times. You spend your money yet?
Bart: I gave it all to the Elementary School so they would stay closed for the whole school year. All the kids in Springfield are stoked. Well, except for Lisa, of course. (speaking to everyone now) Anyway, everyone gather around! Welcome to Australia! I'm sure you all know the rules, so let's get down to busi…(Peter raises his hand). What is it, Peter?
Peter: I have to go potty.
Bart: (sighs) You know, you remind me a lot of my dad, and not in a good way. Moving on, it's time for your first challenge. In front of you are two stacks of crates containing your tribes' supplies. For this challenge, you must go through the contents of each crate and find the flag. Once you've found your flag, you must raise it to the top of the makeshift flagpole that corresponds to your team color. The first team to raise their flag to the top will receive flint as a reward to help start a fire. Are you guys ready?
Stan Marsh: Does it really matter if we're ready or not?
Bart: (chuckles) Of course not. Either way you're going to have to do the challenge, and either way I'm going back to my five-star hotel 10 miles down the road as soon as this is over.
Kyle: Dude, what the hell? Why do you get to stay in a five-star hotel?
Bart: Well, you don't expect me to stay out here with you guys, do you? (several survivors glare at Bart) Anyway, let's get this show on the road, man! Survivors Ready…GO!
[The members of the South Park and MacFarlane tribes run over to their piles of supplies and get to work looking for their team flag. South Park finds their flag fairly quickly, but the MacFarlane tribe is hot on their heels. South Park maintains their slight lead as they start cranking the flag up the flagpole. However, the superior size and strength of the MacFarlane tribe comes into play, as they raise their flag to the top first to claim the first challenge.]
Bart: Way to go MacFarlane Tribe! Here is the flint for your victory…use it well. You'll also find a map and compass among your supplies so that you can find your campsites. So, go ahead and get settled in while I go back to the hotel to relax in my hottub. (groans from some of the survivors , particularly the South Park tribe, as they leave to find their campsites) Hahaha! This hosting gig might not be so bad after all.
South Park Tribe: Day 1
(The South Park tribe members set down their supplies in a sandy opening by a small creek surrounded by vegetation. Morale is slightly down among the tribe members after losing the first challenge, and Kyle and Cartman's shouting match isn't helping matters.)
Cartman: (bleep)it Kyle you filthy (bleep)in Jew! You cost us the first challenge.
Kyle: Hey, we lose as a team fatass! (pauses) Besides, if anyone screwed us out of the challenge, it's Bebe. She didn't lift a finger to help.
Bebe: Um, excuse me?
Cartman: Yeah…well, everyone knows Jews aren't strong enough to perform backbreaking labor like raising flags. It's a proven scientific fact.
Wendy: Oh my god, both of you shut up and help us put together the shelter!
(The tribe splits into two groups. Kyle, Stan, Ike, Wendy and Bebe get to work on the shelter while Cartman, Butters, and Kenny try to get a fire going. Ever the schemer, Cartman wastes no time trying to put together an alliance.)
Cartman: Alright guys, so who are we voting out first?
Butters: Uhhhh…what do you mean Eric?
Cartman: Come on Butters, don't you know how this damn game works?! It isn't about survival. It's about ganging up on people and stabbing them in the back.
Butters: Oh, alrighty then. Who should we vote off then, fellas?
Cartman: I got a bad feeling about Kyle. If he stays here too long, we could all be infected with Gingervitis.
Butters: Oh, hamburgers!
Kenny: (muffled voice)
Cartman: Oh yeah, well who did you have in mind, Kenny?
Kenny: (muffled voice)
Cartman: Bebe? Hmm…well Kyle was right about one thing. She didn't help out too much during the challenge. I'll think about it.
Kyle: While working on the shelter, I kept an eye on Cartman over by the fire, and it looked like he's trying to get Butters and Kenny on his side. Probably trying to get them to vote me off. Well, there's five of us and three of them, so as long as we have the numbers, we should be fine.
Ike: Ike made a no-no!
MacFarlane Tribe: Day 1
(Thanks to the flint, the MacFarlane tribe already has their fire going as they start setting up along the same creek just a few miles downstream from the South Park tribe. Lois and Francine are working on the lean-to while Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire and Stan Smith relax by the fire. Infuriated by her husband's laziness, Lois walks over and interrupts their conversation.)
Lois: Are you bums going to lift a finger to help us or what?
Peter: Oh, I would Lois, but I think I threw out my back carrying the supplies to camp.
Lois: You seem fine to me.
Peter: Oh, but I'm not. I'm really not. (A noticeablely peeved Lois leaves to help Francine with the lean-to.) Aw man, this is such a drag. I signed up for this show to get away from my nagging wife, and she ends up joining me. (trying to imitate Lois's voice) Oh Peter, this will be a great chance to bond as a couple.
Stan Smith: I feel you Peter. I couldn't wait to get here and get away from the family for a while, and then Francine decides to join me at the last minute. What's up with that?
Cleveland: Well, if you guys want them gone so bad, then you should form one of those alliances to kick them out.
Peter: Great idea Cleveland! You in, Quagmire?
Quagmire: (hesitant to reply) Uhh…I don't know guys. I mean, I'm not sure if I want this tribe to become a sausage fest, if you catch my drift.
Peter: Suit yourself. We don't need your help. We could always get Brian and Stewie in on the deal. Speaking of which, have any of you guys seen Brian and Stewie? (All the guys shrug their shoulders and go back to relaxing by the campfire. Meanwhile, we cut to Brian and Stewie in the middle of forming their own partnership.)
Stewie: So, it's agreed, right?
Brian: Sure, sounds good to me.
Stewie: With my cunning and physical prowess, and your knowledge of the game as last season's host, we will be an unstoppable team. Victory shall be ours!
Brian: Yeah, victory shall be….whoa, wait a minute, did you say physical prowess?
Quagmire: For the longest time, I've had the hots for Lois, and now's my chance to finally score with her. All I gotta do is get rid of Peter first, and then Lois and I will be up all night. Oh, giggity giggity goo!
Day 3: Immunity Challenge
(The South Park and MacFarlane tribes are already at the challenge spot, but there's no Bart. Finally, after fifteen minutes of waiting, the Devil's Cabana Boy arrives on his skateboard.)
Bart: Sorry I'm late, my spa treatment ran a little long. (groans of jealousy from several survivors) Anyways, how's everyone holding up so far?
Wendy: (sarcastically) Well, we have no shelter and no fire. Other than that, we're just swell.
Bart: Well Wendy, your tribe's luck may just change with this first immunity challenge. For this challenge, each tribe has a chest filled with puzzle pieces. However, the chests are locked, so you must first find the keys, which are hidden somewhere in the nearby forest. Once you've found your tribe's key and unlocked the chest, you will need to put the pieces together to solve the puzzle. First team to do that wins immunity and is exempt for tonight's tribal council. Everyone ready. (survivors nod in agreement) Okay, GO!
[Most of the survivors sprint into the forest to look for the key while others stay with the chest. The South Park tribe, led by Stan and Kyle, scatter through the forest, searching high and low while the MacFarlane tribe, led by Lois and Quagmire, decide to stick together. Stan finds South Park's key first and dashes back towards the chest. A few minutes later, Brian locates the key to his tribe's chest. However, by the time he gets back, South Park is already working on the puzzle. Bebe, who is put in charge of the puzzle, seems at a loss as to how to solve it. This allows the MacFarlane tribe, led by the superior mindpower of Stewie, to come from behind, solve the puzzle first and steal immunity.]
Bart: Ay caramba, congratulations MacFarlane tribe on another comeback win! Here's the immunity idol, and all eight of you are in the game for at least another three days. (Bart hands the immunity idol, which is a mini totem pole depicting a kangaroo, a dingo and a koala, to Peter. The South Park tribe members dejectedly walk back to their camp.)
South Park Tribe: Day 3
(Stan and Kyle are out in the forest looking for food.)
Stan Marsh: Dude, Bebe has got to go tonight. She's dead weight in challenges.
Kyle: I don't know Stan. Getting rid of Bebe will make us a better tribe in the short term, but we got to think big picture here. Cartman already has Butters and Kenny on his side. If he can get a majority of the tribe in his alliance, you and I are going to be in great danger.
Stan Marsh: He's not going to get a majority dude. You have Ike on your side, and I have Wendy, who hates Cartman's guts. Trust me, he will not get a majority.
Kyle: (still apprehensive) Whatever you say dude.
(Meanwhile, on the other side of camp, Cartman and his alliance are chilling by the campfire discussing strategy.)
Cartman: So, you guys know who to vote for, right?
Kenny: (muffled voice)
Butters: Uhh…sure, whatever you say Eric.
Day 3: Tribal Council
(The South Park Tribe members enter the outdoor tribal council area, which is a circular stone structure with a giant campfire in the middle. They take their seats on wooden stumps as Bart enters the tribal council area and takes a seat on the other side.)
Bart: Welcome to tribal council, South Park tribe! Given your rough start to the game, it should come as no surprise that you wound up here tonight. Stan, what do you think has gone wrong for you guys so far?
Stan: Well Bart, we're not doing so badly with the survival aspect of the game. We have food, a fire and shelter. The problem for us has been the challenges. We have had some tribe members underperform in those challenges, and that's why we are in this position right now.
Bart: Kyle, what do you think should be done to improve this tribe?
Kyle: We need to get on the same page. I know it's Survivor and there are going to be alliances within a tribe. But when the tribe comes to perform in a challenge, we need to put those aside and work together to defeat the MacFarlane Tribe.
Bart: Cartman, same question.
Cartman: Bart, I'm not going to acknowledge that question with a response because we all know who the problem person is in this tribe. (points to Kyle)
Kyle: Hey, fuck you fatass! When I win the million, I'm not giving you a dime.
Cartman: Duh, of course you won't because you're a filthy, stingy Jew!
Kyle: Hey, I….I walked right into that insult, I must admit. (Cartman smirks triumphantly)
Bart: Interesting, very interesting. Okay, it is time to vote. Kyle, get us started.
[Kyle walks to the voting booth on the other side of the tribal council area. He grabs a pen and a piece of paper, writes down a name and reveals it to the camera. It should come as no surprise that the paper says CARTMAN.]
Kyle: Whatever he's got planned, I'm going to stop it before it begins. See ya fatass!
[Shot of Wendy voting, then Bebe, and then Stan votes for BEBE.]
Stan: Kyle has a good point about Cartman, but if we get rid of Bebe, then we have a better chance of winning challenges.
[Shot of Butters voting, Ike voting, Kenny voting, and then Cartman votes for KYLE.]
Cartman: Go back to Jersey you Jew rat! [Cartman puts his vote in the box and returns to his seat.]
Bart: I will go tally the votes. (Bart leaves briefly and then comes back with the voting box.) I'm sure you guys have seen Survivor, but I'm contractually obligated to go over the rules, so here goes: Once the votes are tallied, the decision is final and the person voted off will be forced to leave the tribal council immediately. I will now read the votes.
(Bart pulls first vote out of box.)
Bart: First vote…Kyle…Second vote is for Cartman…Third vote…Bebe….Fourth vote is another for Bebe. Fifth vote is the second for Kyle. Next vote is…Bebe. That's three for Bebe, two for Kyle and one for Cartman. Next vote…is for Bebe, which means the last vote does not matter. Bebe, bring me your torch.
(Bebe grabs her torch and walks up to Bart, who is waiting with the snuffer.)
Bart: Bebe Stevens, the tribe has spoken. (Bart extinguishes the flame) It's time to go. (Bebe walks down the path towards the confessional booth.) To the rest of you, congratulations on surviving the first three days. Maybe this tribal council is exactly what your team needed. You all head back to camp while I head back to my five-course dinner. (The South Park Tribe members grab their torches and head back to camp.)
Confessional
Bebe: Am I mad about being voted off? (snorts) Hell no! Being stranded here in the icky wilderness is not worth a million dollars. Besides, my family is already one of the richest in South Park, so I don't really need the money. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to civilization.
Next Time on South Park vs. Seth MacFarlane Survivor
*Can Kyle and Cartman put their differences aside long enough to win a challenge?
*Quagmire begins his courtship of Lois behind Peter's back. How will Lois respond?
*Who will be the next castaway voted off?
Tribal Council Vote #1
Candidate (# of votes)
Bebe (4)
Stan
Ike
Kenny
Wendy
Kyle (2)
Cartman
Butters
Cartman (2)
Kyle
Bebe