NOTICE
The following parody is based on the film "The Princess Bride" utilizing historical figures from Sid Meyer's Civilization V. The leaders are depicted in a humorous manner, and not intended to be historically accurate (although a little historical accuracy doesn't hurt). I do not claim ownership for the main plot or the characters. Besides, nobody can own George Washington, Genghis Khan, or Attila The Hun... It's impossible. Mostly because they're dead.

Prologue: A Mysterious Book

"…And with that we come to the final item of today's meeting." Washington said from his seat at the head of the congress table. Congress had been relatively slow today, with only four items to attend to. The first three had actually gone by quite quickly. Looking around the room, the American president took note of the attendees.

King Alexander The Great of Greece, a cunning (if self-absorbed) general.
Queen Dido of Carthage, a beautiful and elegant woman.
Daimyo Oda Nobunaga of Japan, an honorable man known to never break a treaty or a promise.
King Harald Bluetooth of Denmark, a teddy bear when at peace and a grizzly bear when at war.
General-King Attila The Hun, one of the most feared rulers of all time, although mellowed out over the years.
President Gandhi of India, who promoted peace… backed by more nuclear weapons than every other nation combined.
King Pacal of the Maya, who was allegedly tormented by visions of an apocalyptic future.
Queen Boudicca of the Celts, a ferocious warrior noted for pushing back Attila in a war fought ages ago.
Emperor Montezuma of the Aztec, who was believed to be genuinely insane.
Doge Enrico Dandolo of Venice, who kept the interests of the city-states close to his heart.
Empress Maria Theresa of Austria, who was often at odds with Enrico for the favor of city-states.
And last was Temujin, better known as Genghis Khan, ruler of Mongolia. Genghis Khan and Attila had been allies for as long as they had known each other.

With the attendees at full attention, Washington pulled a suitcase from beside his chair and opened it. Inside was a thick book, which he raised above his head for the table to see.

"This book was delivered anonymously to one of the American counter-spies with the request it be read at this meeting."

"Someone wants us to read a book?" Attila The Hun scoffed.

"What's it called?" Alexander asked.

"The Consul Bride… and it doesn't appear to have an author." Washington replied, leafing through the first few pages.

"The Consul Bride? Sounds romantic!" Dido exclaimed, almost swooning at the possibilities the book could hold.

"Sounds like a waste of our time." Augustus Caesar grumbled.

"What's it about, exactly?" Boudicca asked.

"Oh, you name it!" Washington said in an almost showman like voice, "Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles…"

"How do you know that?" Genghis Khan asked, crossing his arms.

"I gave it a read prior to the meeting. I wouldn't just read any random book that someone sends the congress without knowing what's inside." Washington answered.

"Really?" Maria asked with a look of mild disbelief.

"You wouldn't believe how many times we've received smut and slash fiction," Washington deadpanned, "But this time, it was actually interesting enough for my agents to pass it on to me."

"Wait, so you're saying we're in this book?" Alexander asked, his ego swelling at full attention.

"Yes… in fact, Dido is the titular character." Washington said, prompting an excited squeak from the Carthaginian queen.

"This is a waste of our time," Caesar interrupted angrily, "We are not children, and this is not story time!"

"Well this is congress!" Dido said slyly, "Let's put it to a vote. All in favor of Washington reading The Consul Bride?"

Dido raised her hand.
Alexander The Great raised his hand.
Oda Nobunaga raised his hand.
Harald Bluetooth raised his hand.
Attila The Hun half-heartedly raised his hand.
Gandhi raised his hand.
Pacal raised his hand.
Boudicca raised her hand.
Montezuma pounded his chest, screaming about anthropomorphic sea sponges that lived in underwater pineapples, so it was counted as a 'yes'.
Enrico Dandolo raised his hand.
Maria Theresa raised her hand.
Genghis Khan raised his hand.
Washington raised his hand.

Only Augustus Caesar had refused.

"Well, I suppose that settles that," Dido said smugly, "Read on Washington!"

Washington opened the book and began to read.

Congratulations!
By reading this you have reached the end of the prologue of…
(UN)CIVILIZED: THE CONSUL BRIDE!

I've got a fun little story planned, and I can't wait for you to read it! Admittedly a crossover between The Princess Bride and Civilization V may not have much potential to deviate from the source material, but I plan on making some shifts and changes, particularly in the endgame.

While we're talking about Princess Bride crossovers, I recommend The Tangled Princess Bride (by Wolfram-and-Hart-Sauron), which seamlessly melds Disney magic with 80's cheese. And they do cover both plots simultaneously and spectacularly.

At time of uploading, I have finished nine chapters aside from this prologue and I am near completion of the story. I hope to upload on weekly or bi-weekly intervals.