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How Fools Fall In Love

Chapter 21: A Gift With a Catch

Four days blended into an indistinct blur of time spent sitting down, utterly jaded, listening to conversations filled with technical details and legal jargon Gintoki acknowledged were way past his understanding. Nevertheless, he'd gotten the bulk of it, shocking as it was , too good to be true when translated into layman's terms.

"You're gonna be rich?" Otose's skeptical look matched the disbelief in her voice.

The sun was unusually hot. It filtered through the dark blue curtains of her kitchen vigorously, unstoppable; when it touched the rim of Gintoki's glass it shone so bright Gintoki had to move it away so as not to get blinded. The air seemed over-perfumed with the scent of flowers, impervious to the stench of Otose's burning cigarette. Outside her window, a rush of water filled the silence of the apartment complex as Tama watered the plants she had painstakingly cared for all year long. Shy, colorful buds bloomed at every corner of the garden, rising from their nests of ripe green stems with the vigor of fertility. Bees would begin to buzz soon and Gintoki couldn't help but think that in a sick, atypical twist of fate, the entire world was forcing him to accept his good luck, screaming to his face: be happy!

"So you're telling me you're gonna receive all that money?" Otose's repetition was to Gintoki a funny yet sad duplicate of his own reaction as the lawyers had related to him those very same news, several times over, during the meetings they'd had him attend the past few days.

"Yeah, in a month or so. The dates keep changing because the hearings are so long." Gintoki replied, eyes fixed on the copies of legal papers piled on the table in front of him. The numbers were ridiculous even after subtracting the fees required of the legal help.

"And you agreed to this?" Otose asked, pointing the ashy tip of her cigarette at the papers, "Reimbursement payment for being defrauded of Yoshida Shouyou's inheritance?" she scoffed, hiding a burst of laughter, "Do they know you helped demolish the place?"

"No."

"What a fine thing, then, to inherit an empty lot!"

"I didn't have much choice. They said iIf I refused I wouldn't get anything but an apology letter."

Otose shook her head.

"Well, that's more than they are giving some of the wretches that couldn't pay for one lawyer, much less an entire firm."

Gintoki's shoulders sank as he doubled over the table. He rubbed his eyes with both hands and let his head fall down on them.

"Anyway," Otose blew a long wisp of smoke and narrowed her eyes, "Have you decided what to do with the money yet?"

It was a legitimate question. The only one Gintoki had been asking himself since he had been told he was going to be a rich man. A benevolent smile had graced the features of his pre-selected lawyers as they explained to him, time and again, the process of the settlement agreement with a combination of patience and fervor which basked in the forthcoming financial glory of a case they were sure to win, not only for the fraud victims but also for the enrichment of their own pockets. The notion hadn't truly settled in Gintoki's mind until he had laid down in bed that night and broke out in a cold sweat. Something about finally having the power to change his entire way of life was so astonishing it defied belief. He was happy of course, happy in the way winning the lottery makes one happy. It opened an infinite number of opportunities and futures, even the possibility of squandering his money without regret. It was frightening.

"You look like a man sentenced to death," Otose sighed, "But this is something good, right?"

Gintoki shrugged his shoulders and held up his empty glass.

"I'm still coming to terms with the numbers, I guess. How about a drink?"

Otose put out her cigarette and brought a bottle of sake from the cupboard. The clock on the wall behind Gintoki read half past ten.

"How disgraceful," she muttered as she set down the bottle, "I'm only allowing it because the occasion calls for some sort of celebration."

Gintoki paid her no mind and downed the two inches of sake she poured into his glass without commentary.

"You look pretty eager to me," Otose grumbled, "You can start by paying your late rent and clearing your debts."

The remark pricked Gintoki's apathy. He wiped his lips with the back of his hand and pushed away from the table.

"Are you kidding me? Do you know how much money this is? Do you know how much will be left after I do that? I don't know what to do with it! I can rent a storage room just to archive my old Jump issues, I can buy parfaits every day for the next ten years, I can buy enough food to make Kagura obese and that is fucking ridiculous."

"The way I see it, that money is a legacy from Shouyou. You should do him proud and invest in your future. I'm sure that's what he had in mind when he left you the property in his will."

Otose silenced Gintoki as quickly and expertly as she had roused him. The weight of responsibility and expectation was enough to render him speechless and feeling more anxious than he'd felt before he'd knocked at her door and greeted her with a stupefied expression on his face.

"Still, it's a stroke of luck they found his will, don't you think? I'm surprised they didn't settle with Kondo instead. Wasn't he the one in charge of the dorm at the time? Is that why he was seeing that lawyer of his? I tried to ask Tae but she didn't tell me a thing. I wonder if she is clueless about it. Oi, Gintoki, you're being too quiet. Stop creeping me out!"

"I don't know, I'm just glad I picked up that call."

Kagura's grip on Gintoki's jacket weakened as he slowed down before a red light. The rooftop of her school building receded in the vast city cluster behind them and after Gintoki cut left at the next intersection, it would vanish entirely from view. Not that it mattered, school affairs couldn't penetrate the most superficial of Kagura's layers of worries. She didn't seem to have a single worry in the world except for the one consuming her since Mitsuba's farewell party. Gintoki hated it. It was the subject he abhorred most and Kagura dragged it up daily from the ditch where he had left it. Gintoki's love-life had become her paramount concern, even after an eventful day at school which had ended with Kagura's teacher coming to tell Gintoki personally she wouldn't tolerate the way Kagura kept inciting her fellow classmates to form a coven to fight off evil spirits during breaks. She had been reading too much fiction, the teacher had said, and it wasn't good for her. Maybe her guardian had not been paying Kagura enough attention? Maybe it was time she had a talk with Kagura's parents.

"I told you he was a bum like you! You never listen to me, Gin-chan!" Kagura whined, swinging her feet against the sides of the scooter, "Shinpachi always asks me if you've finally gotten a job and I always have to say no! No, 'Pachi! Don't you see Gin-chan is suffering from heartbreak? Of course Shinpachi can't understand, you know? If I said it a hundred times he still wouldn't get it. He is at that age where he only thinks with his di-"

"Ahhh! Don't say it aloud!" Gintoki shrieked.

A couple of old ladies walking by sent the two of them wary looks yet the traffic light turned green and Gintoki sped off before they could see Kagura's tongue slipping out to taunt them. Her hands clung to his jacket like claws.

"As I was saying!" Kagura resumed, voice shrilling, piercing Gintoki's helmet, "Toshi is a jerk! And you are acting like a bum! Sitting at home doing nothing! And you have been going out to these meetings but you never come back with a job! You are worse than a rat!"

"A rat that feeds you! Just like that story of the elephant and the mouse! Ah!"

"Shut up, Gin-chan! You're not funny at all! How many times are you going to call a disconnected number!? Soyo-chan says doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is crazy!"

"That wasn't Soyo! That was Einstein! Einstein said that!"

"You don't even know who the prime-minister is right now! You really think you can speak german!? Idiot!"

"You're the idiot!"

"Shut up!"

"No, you shut up!"

The meaningless back and forth went on until both their throats turned hoarse with shouting and the gates of the Shimura dojo emerged at the end of the road. A flock of students poured out of the gate like birds taking flight. Gintoki parked his scooter close by and brushed off Kagura's insistent nagging as the kids walked briskly past them without so much as a greeting, eager to get home. Nothing could illustrate better the way Tae had been working them to the bone in Kondo's absence. Cleaning the mats, washing the floors, running laps, eating a nasty gruel of her own concoction, turning the dojo into a proper military school all her own.

"Ah, Gin-san!" one of the older students stopped by recognizing him. Sweat ran down his temples and his eyes shone bright with pleading, "When are you coming to teach us? Sensei is out for two weeks and Ta- uh, I mean, the Director still hasn't found a replacement."

"Yeah, I know."

"Please, come teach us, Gin-san!"

"Yamazaki-senpai and her can't handle it all alone." Another student said, lowering his voice.

"I don't know- I-"

"Gin-chan will ask Big Sis, ok?" Kagura interposed diplomatically, "Now please leave, we were having a very important discussion!"

The two students bowed their heads despondently and walked away. Gintoki slapped the back of his scooter and then Kagura's helmet.

"What the hell, Kagura?! Why did you tell them that? What were you saying?!" he groaned, "You gave them hope!"

Kagura crossed her arms and thrust out her hip spiffily, light-years ahead of Gintoki's plea.

"Let that be a lesson to you, Gin-chan," she said, "Now, take me inside."

"Oi! Who do you think I am, your lackey!?"

After depositing Kagura in the comfort of Tae's living room and making sure she was confronted with her homework, Gintoki was accosted by the Devil herself two steps away from the front door.

"Please wait a moment, Gin-san." Tae bid him to stop while she finished tying the shoelaces of one of Kondo's younger students. The kid thanked her, bowed profusely and sneaked past Gintoki's tall legs to rejoin his friends outside.

"I wanted to talk to you," she said, "Tea?"

"No, I'm alri-"

"Tea, then." she said smiling.

Gintoki rolled his eyes and followed her inside the kitchen. He sat down in the same chair he had sat down hundreds of times before, though the latest was the freshest in his memory and he couldn't help but conjure Mitsuba's image chopping carrots beside him.

"Could you keep an eye out on the tea while I take these to Kagura-chan?"

Tae took a tray of convenience-store bought snacks to the living room and returned shortly after.

"Is she doing her homework?" Gintoki asked.

"Of course," Tae replied proudly, "Now, where was I? Yes, the tea."

She poured the two of them hot green tea but quickly regretted it.

"It's so hot today, I should have made oolong tea and put it in the fridge with some ice. Ah, it would have been nice and cold now," she sighed and wiped tousled strands of hair from her forehead. Her cheeks were rosy and sweat pooled at the soft roots by her ears, "I've been so busy. Yamazaki-kun can't do the early classes so I have no free time now. I mean," she paused to check the time on the kitchen clock before continuing, "I still have ten minutes. Well, you can guess what I wanted to talk to you about. The gorilla is away for two weeks so it's ridiculous to think of replacing him entirely-"

"You mean hiring someone."

Tae cleared her throat.

"That's right. Why should I hire someone for two weeks when we are barely scraping by and I can have someone filling his shoes for free?" Her fierce stare met Gintoki's boldly, though his nonchalance was hard to break. Despite being on the verge of major wealth, Gintoki had a shiton of things to deal with in his personal life right now. There was no space for teaching kendo to a bunch of kids.

"No."

"No?" Tae's voice rang with that constant simmer of rage she carried with her everywhere and at immediate disposal, "Do you have anything better to do? Have you found a job?"

"Actually I-"

"No, I thought so," she smiled, eyes closed but watching Gintoki through narrow slits, "You can start tomorrow."

"Oi, wait a second. I have-" the words caught in his throat. He wanted to tell her the big news. He couldn't understand why it was so hard to admit. Was it because it was too good to be true? Or was it because he would start sounding like one of those obnoxious snobs he cursed at on the TV? Then he remembered Otose's words, all that talk of responsibility and expectations and doing the right thing. Money had never been as repulsive to him as it was now. Speaking of it paralized him.

"If you do this for me I will consider your debt paid," Tae said, taking a sip of her tea. She resumed her argument before Gintoki could interject, "Feeding Kagura-chan doesn't come cheap you know? Snacks, lunches, dinners, all those big meals, and if you account for the kitchen waste then…"

That's 'cause you can't cook, oi!

"And all the train fares, the bus fares, the pencil sharpener I bought her last week, and my old make-up palette, and the-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. I'll do it! Enough."

"Great! You start tomorrow. I'll get you the schedule, just give me a second."

Tae sprang from her chair with the grace of a fairy and disappeared into her office to get a copy of Kondo's class schedule. Meanwhile, Gintoki stared at his empty tea-cup numbed. Flashes of a past life flashed through his mind; Shouyou pacing around the practice room, following every movement of his students with a kind smile, his face grave as he toiled away on one of his manuscripts, pulling a book from the shelf, adding another stack of papers to his research pile, Gintoki's tentative steps up the dorm's staircase doing the best he could not to bother him, 'Gintoki, is that you? Come here, I want to show you something. Tae-chan has a new little brother, did you know?'

"Here you go." Tae slapped the sheet with the class schedule on the table. Gintoki shifted on the chair, too tired to wince, and peered at it.

"The first class is at half past seven. Sharp."

"In the morning?! What the f-"

"It's for the seniors." Tae deadpanned.

"The seniors? You mean old folks?"

"Yes."

"Is it a calisthenics class?!"

"We need the money."

Tae's tone was self-conscious. The discussion ended there. Gintoki nodded without further protest, unable to forsake the plan after adhering to it out of crippling guilt.

Time ticked by in the ensuing silence. Tae shot another look at the clock and, having tied all her loose ends, turned to go. Gintoki stopped her.

"Hey," his voice, sober and gloomy, brought wrinkles to Tae's forehead, "Have you talked to Kondo? How is he?"

Tae's answer was objective and almost dismissive if not for the slight inflection that indicated the barest of regards toward Gintoki's feelings.

"Yes. He'll be back just in time for his date in court. He sounded optimist on the phone."

Gintoki hummed a contented reply.

"But he is a realist too. He knows they're going to charge him. Why do you think he went home? He went there to grovel."

She tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and left.

Tae had a particular way to suck the joy out of small things but Gintoki had his own means to do it as well. His, however, worked independently from his will, whether he wanted to or not, much like Kagura's remonstrations about his relationship with Hijikata. She didn't do it deliberately to punish him but rather to show him how much she cared, no matter what sort of twisted pleasure she derived from it. Gintoki's mind did the same, supplying him with endless recalls to Hijikata wherever he was. At home, on the street, at the dojo, memories of him emerged everywhere, freed from the past but strangely attuned to it as if his present feelings could communicate through echoes with his feelings of the past.

He crossed the front hall of the dojo looking for Shinpachi and as he passed by the coat rack Hijikata's image hit him like a truck. Gintoki reached for his phone and dialed his number instantly. There was a beeping sound and then the standard message. Disconnected. He had reacted faster than his brain had time to process his reasons. What was he doing? What did he want to ask Hijikata? Bother him about Kondo? The lawyers? The whole thing about the settlement payment?

Gintoki sighed loudly, scratching his hair. He wanted to talk to him, so what? Hijikata was the only person he knew who understood these things. He was a bureaucracy man, police or not. He would be able to tell Gintoki how the lawyers had found him, right? He could explain, he could-

I'm taking care of it. That should be enough for you.

He had said that, right?

"Of course, Mr. Cop, I feel so relieved after hearing that..." Gintoki chuckled, voice fading.

He said he was gonna call.

You're going to receive an important call soon. Pick it up.

Gintoki's fist hit the new front door of the dojo in a fury.

"That fucking bastard!"

His scooter couldn't move fast enough, nor could the rows of monumentally slow vehicles in his path. Did all those assholes in front of him have the same urgent need to reach the police station as he did? He didn't think so! Yet Gintoki couldn't be sure of his exact thoughts at the moment because they were drowning in a deluge of curses and undiluted anger.

Hijikata couldn't have been that stupid, could he? Gintoki had only needed that one moment of clarity to let the doubt fester and, now that it had, he was seething. The pieces had come together. Doubt had turned into delirious certainty. The miserable, flippant wish to see Hijikata again, to talk to him, to seek his advice had turned into the imperative need to wrench his neck.

Gintoki squeezed through the traffic jam like a mad worker bee, ignoring the yells and honks furiously thrown his way. He flung the scooter's handlebar left and right until he found a clear shortcut and traversed the city's innards unbothered.

A group of a dozen reporters crowded the entrance of the police station. Their vans were parked along the street and a few residents sat by their windows watching as the reporters, deprived of any police officer willing to give them a word, engaged random passersby on the sidewalk.

A pair of reporters noticed Gintoki approaching and ran to him excitedly.

"Good afternoon, sir. Would you mind if we asked you a few questions?"

"Do you work here?"

"I'm no cop." he replied offended.

"What do you think of the accusations made against the local police force and their inaction concerning the victims of the Hata Corp fraud case?"

"Do you agree the Chief has been withholding information pertinent to the case?"

"What about the rumours of a change of leadership in the-"

Gintoki stopped dead in his tracks. The reporters shoved their recorders in Gintoki's face, two inches from his chin, breaths bated.

"I'm sorry, guys. I lost my wallet and just came to see if a fellow citizen was kind enough to return it."

The reporters sighed audibly and lowered their recorders.

"Well, why didn't you say so!" the woman groaned, clacking her high-heels on the pavement.

"Don't go around wasting our time!" the man berated him.

Gintoki lowered his head in mock apology and moved on, sprucing his step. The glass doors of the station opened before him. Gintoki stepped inside and his heart picked up. He remembered the last time he had come to pester Hijikata, though his intentions weren't as pure as they had been then. There was no Mitsuba to fall back on, no semblance of the knight-in-shining armor who dubbed his good intentions a debt owed.

The front desk was empty except for the officer sitting behind it. Gintoki deliberated on a basic flirting strategy, yet a familiar face soon appeared to his left coming out of a corridor and he quickly deferred to it.

"Oi, Cherry-boy!"

Hijikata's short assistant with the sparkly eyes turned around at Gintoki's voice. He was pushing a storage cart filled with thick folders and packages. Back curved, head down. A vision of gloom. A dozen voices rose hissing from the nearest rooms to silence Gintoki while the penetrating gaze of the front desk officer judged him from across the room. How alike their Chief.

"Please lower your voice." the short officer pleaded as he moved the storage cart out of the way.

"Sorry about that. What was your name again?"

"Sasaki, Sasaki Tetsunosuke, sir!" Tetsu saluted.

Gintoki shrugged the military greeting with a frown and intercepted Tetsunosuke before he could clack the heels of his shoes together.

"Yeah, Tetsu, right. Well Tetsu, to spare you the humiliation of chasing me around the station like last time, I would be really grateful if you took me to your Chief right now."

Tetsunosuke's mouth opened and closed like a fish's. A bead of sweat ran down Gintoki's temple. His escalating restlessness had him threading the grounds of crude insolence.

"Was the question too challenging? Is that why they have you pushing a cart?"

Tetsunosuke's expression shifted from surprise to despair. He shot a quick look at the front desk officer typing away on her keyboard and grabbed Gintoki's arm.

"Follow me."

He ushered Gintoki into the nearest empty room, a broom closet of sorts where shelves were packed high with stationary and endless boxes of copy paper.

"You're not my type, hunky-boy." Gintoki deadpanned in the dark.

Tetsunosuke flicked the light on and closed the door behind him.

"Well, sir- I mean, no sir, I-" he stuttered and shook his head, "I'm sorry, but it's better to speak in private a-about the Chief, I mean. Not the Chief but, you know…"

"No, I don't," Gintoki replied, "I don't understand a single thing you're saying. I only want to see Hijikata, I don't care about your police hubbub."

"Hijikata-san isn't here, sir. No- I mean."

"Just call me Gin-san." Gintoki said exasperatedly.

"Ok, Gin-san, sir. Hijikata-san doesn't work here anymore. He was transferred to another station on account of the big fraud case. You see, my brother works for the Bureau, they are the ones taking the lead on the case, and he found out Hijikata-san had ties to some of the people involved so he had him moved out of the district," Tetsunosuke paused for breath, gaze facing the floor, "I really liked to work under the Chief. Everybody did, well, not everyone, but we are all feeling pretty down. The press is out there every day hoping one of us will crack and tell on him. They seem to think he was covering the tracks for one of the scammers. But it wasn't like that at all! He was actually the one who found him. And he found lots of other things too. Old property deeds, wills of past landowners, the paper trail of keepers and leases. Sure, he was interested in the places he knew personally, I think he stayed at a dormitory which one of Hata Corp's subsidiary companies demolished last month, but that's only natural. He didn't do anything illegal. He was only trying to help! All the Bureau wanted was to look good in the picture and Hijikata-san knew it. He knew they didn't care about the people who came everyday to the station to beg for help or all the others who didn't even know they had been scammed. Even if some people want to tarnish Hijikata-san's name and say he has been demoted or spread the rumor he was kicked out, I tell you, Gin-san, it isn't true!"

Gintoki nodded. Tears of frustration and sadness welled up in Tetsunosuke's face. The air inside the supply closet gathered hot and stuffy. Gintoki bowed decorously and reached past Tetsu's bulky frame towards the door.

"It's genetically impossible for that guy to commit a crime. I think his body would combust at the thought. But thank you for telling me."

The fears Tetsunosuke awakened in Gintoki sent him rushing to Hijikata's apartment without as much as a thought to curtail him. More than a story that matched Hijikata's character, it was the fact Tetsu's story confirmed Gintoki's own suspicions and disdain for his sudden stroke of good luck that he believed it unquestionably. His fountain of riches was all Hijikata's doing. Of course it was. Gintoki's heart pulsed beastly. Love and hate would break his rib cage open if he didn't see Hijikata soon.

The fancy apartment complex was deserted. No cars drove past the parking gate. No residents loitered about chatting. Gintoki hopped off his scooter as soon as he reached the front of the building and left his scooter behind lying haphazardly on the floor.

Pressing Hijikata's doorbell was almost a ritual now. He rang once, twice, three, four, five times. Unless he was accompanied by Hijikata himself, fate would keep denying him entrance to Hijikata's damned abode of loneliness. Yet a naive idea popped up in the midst of madness. Gintoki grabbed his phone and dialed Hijikata's number. Maybe in the aftermath of Tetsunosuke's revelations he would pick up.

"The number you have dialed has been disconnected."

"Shit, fuck!" Gintoki shoved the phone back in his pocket to stop the urge to throw in on the floor.

No, he wasn't giving up like that. He glanced at the doorbell panel and rang every door on every floor. Most ignored him, the few who answered on the intercom didn't believe his sloppy excuse about a delivery. The door remained shut. There was nothing to do but wait. Gintoki was on the brink of despair when an old lady appeared behind him.

"Forgot your keys, young man?"

"Uhm, yeah- yeah I did." Gintoki replied nervously, turning around "You're a godsend, m'am."

The old lady gave an embarrassed laugh and put down her bag of groceries to look in her purse for the keys.

"Let me help you." Gintoki took the bag of groceries from her and she thanked him.

"Why, you're very kind. I'm so glad to meet a polite young man. One goes out and another slips right in. Isn't that wonderful?"

Gintoki stood looking at her quietly, unmoving.

"Would you mind stepping aside a bit? Thank you."

She got to the door and unlocked it. Gintoki stepped in after her and helped to her apartment, bag of groceries firmly in his grip.

"Oh, thank you so much. Please let me offer you something, would you like to come in? My sister-in-law sent me these pickled plums last week... they are so tasty. Would you like some?"

"No, it's all right. You don't have to bother, I'm actually in a hurry." Gintoki said.

"Please take them," the old lady placed a small container of pickled plums into a plastic bag and thrust it in Gintoki's hands, "Please accept them."

Gintoki held back a sigh and bowed.

"Thank you."

"It was a joy to meet you. You're taking Hijikata-san's place upstairs, right? Four-C?"

Gintoki stilled. His face became pale. It was hard to utter the unutterable but he did it.

"He left?"

The old lady paused a moment, lips pursed as she appraised Gintoki's figure. The wrinkles around her eyes deepened.

"You're Hijikata-san's friend, aren't you?"

Gintoki opened his mouth to reply but his answer was mute. His friend? How much did this old woman know about him? How much did she know about Hijikata? Gintoki didn't think Hijikata was the type to let his neighbours gossip about his life. But then again he hadn't thought Hijikata capable of risking his job for- for what?

"There haven't been any letters yet," the old lady said. She was visibly disappointed Gintoki was not her new neighbor, yet his connection to her previous one warmed her heart. She ranted on, "Did he forget anything? I thought the boys from the moving company were very thorough. Going up and down the building the entire day. Oh, what a ruckus it was! I'm certain they wiped the place clean."

"What?"

"Ara, don't tell me you've come to see him?" she wondered, "Oh, dear. Hijikata-san has already left. They came for his things the day before yesterday. I think he moved north, or was it south? Osaka? I can't remember. I haven't seen him since he came to pick up his shirt last week. Loose buttons it was."

It was late into the night when Gintoki got home, feet unsure, wobbling above ground before they found solid footing. He lost his grip on his keys twice. A tingling sensation numbed his fingertips and he had to steady himself each time he stood up after retrieving them. The warm numbness spreading over his body didn't help him navigate the intricacies of his door lock but it kept the inevitable urge to vomit at bay. He hadn't meant to drink that much. One drink had followed another in a small effort to drown his feelings of self-commiseration, then another, then the guys from the moving job found him and the karaoke place had packed up fast, drinks galore, then the club, the cute girl pouring them shots, oh it had been a blast.

Gintoki was throwing up early the next day. Kagura had to go finish brushing her teeth on the kitchen sink after Gintoki had stormed into the bathroom in a state. She grumbled the entire time she dressed for school. Gintoki heard her muttering in the kitchen while she prepared her breakfast, a task which usually fell on him.

She stopped by the bathroom door munching on a toast a few minutes later, wiggling her toes at Gintoki's unsettling lack of response.

"Gin-chan are you okay?"

Kagura peeked inside the small toilet partition and saw, with a startled expression, Gintoki's head leaning against the toilet seat. His arms lay lifeless by his side and his eyes were shut to cover their red-whites. He knew the look even if Kagura didn't. Her lips parted until they formed a silent 'oh' and she murmured.

"Gin-chan…"

Gintoki welcomed hearing his name whispered instead of shouted, unfortunately he missed the reason why Kagura had uttered it so and thus he did not raise his head in time to watch her leave with tears in her eyes. The incident didn't slip past his notice. Shinpachi arrived shortly after and rammed the notion home.

He cut a mature, broad figure by the partition door. Hands curled into fists. Eyes partially hidden behind the reflected light in his glasses.

"Next time before you go and get yourself drunk give us a call so Kagura won't have to be here for this."

Gintoki nodded in silence. Shinpachi's words drilled different kinds of pain into his head, but the sharpest would only come later when the hangover lifted and Gintoki realized the impact of his pathetic, loathsome actions.

"Take care of yourself, Gin-san."

The bathroom door closed softly after Shinpachi. Gintoki would have given anything for him to bang the door shut and blast his head open, but even aggrieved as he was, Shinpachi did not have the heart to hurt him. Gintoki pressed his forehead against the cool tiles of the bathroom wall and breathed deeply. For a second the contact brought him relief. He exhaled. The smell of his breath wafted back in and he whirled towards the toilet, heaving out whatever contents still remained in his stomach.

Shinpachi and Kagura's voices reached him once the bout of vomit passed. He heard them talk by the front door as they put on their shoes.

"Do you think Gin-chan is gonna come home late today too?"

"You're staying with us tonight, Kagura-chan. You don't have to worry about that."

"But Gin-chan was gonna teach the kids at the dojo and we were going to have dinner together."

"Sister's out working tonight. We always order too much food, we'll save him some in case he shows up."

A beat.

"I told you, Shin-chan but you didn't believe me."

"Not that story again." Shinpachi groaned.

"Yes. It's Gin-chan's heart. It's broken. That's why he is like this."

"Kagura-chan, I know you mean well but you must not always defend him. He is an adult. He is supposed to take care of you, regardless of all that."

"You just don't get it!" Kagura insisted.

The front door slid open and Shinpachi's reply got lost in the distance. Gintoki flushed the toilet and crawled back to his futon.

Breakfast and lunch merged in a bowl of reheated rice with a raw egg on top. Gintoki's whole body quivered, savouring the nourishment, yet for a hot second the swallowing sensation brought back the urge to gag. Nothing came of it.

Gintoki checked his phone and seeing twelve missed calls from Tae decided the day was overripe for the taking. Teaching wasn't really his thing either. Plus, his life was now forfeit. He might as well enjoy what little time he had left before Tae came to chop his head off. It would be a comfort considering the blistering pain that rotted his brain from the inside. Aimless hours of watching TV and rereading comics did little to assuage the sensation. There was only one way to cope. Gintoki knew the drill. He cursed his own delusions of the contrary and stepped outside.

The sun shone hot and bright. An enchantment of summer in spring. Ridiculous. Gintoki slithered away from the light into the building's stairway. The nearest bar was a ten minute walk away. He could do it. If he could get past Otose.

"She isn't home." Tama's voice drifted in like a wind chime.

Gintoki halted on the last step of the stairway and leaned against the railing.

"Can't believe I'm this lucky," he mumbled, "What time is it?"

Tama checked her wristwatch.

"Two-thirty."

"Good enough for me."

Gintoki moved from under the cool shadow of the stairway and crossed Otose's door rapidly. Tama's stoic expression didn't change, nor did she stop following him with her attentive gaze.

"Are you not taking Sadaharu out for a walk?" she asked. Sadaharu's big fluffy head lifted from his cool spot under the shade.

Gintoki shrugged his shoulders.

"Keep him company for me."

Tama didn't respond. She went back to her task casually, holding back a reply Gintoki could well fathom.

The jazzy pop tune in the background of the bar gave way to the booming base rhythm of a crowded club in a matter of hours. Bodies swung back and forth in a festival of lights. Laughter and screaming blended together until they became unrecognizable. There were no windows, only air filters. No cold, just heat. By the time the bustle started to make a dent in Gintoki's mind he was already too wasted to care. A group of party girls knocked him over by the counter spilling a dozen different shades of blue and green on his clothes. He left the joint grumbling about youngsters and their exotic cocktails.

The cold night air hit him with a whiff of sobriety. He bumped into a tall guy coming in and lost his balance. A strong arm held him up.

"I said I would kill you if I caught you here like this again."

At first the voice came removed, indistinct. Gintoki was hoisted up and slammed against the nearest wall.

"Can you stay up?"

"Is that a trick question?"

He was slapped. Hard. Tsukuyo's angry stare bore into him so intensely Gintoki couldn't help but laugh. He slid down the wall to the floor cracking up.

"Funny is it?" Tsukuyo said between gritted teeth, "You're pathetic."

Gintoki tried to stop laughing but his whole body jerked uncontrollably. His phone began ringing at that moment and it fell from his pocket vibrating.

"Do the kids even know you're here?" Tsukuyo asked. She picked up his phone and glanced at the flashing screen, "Number unknown. You want me to take it?"

She took one look at Gintoki and dismissed his input.

"Forget it," she muttered, "Hello?"

Gintoki coughed, laughter subsiding.

"Hello? Yes? Hello?" a pause, nothing, "Kagura is that you-? They hung up." Tsukuyo sighed. She put the phone back in Gintoki's pocket and grabbed him by the jaw, "You're gonna get up and get the hell out of here, you hear me?"

"I could do with a ride." Gintoki said. Tsukuyo whacked his other cheek.

"And we could all do with you getting your shit together. What was it this time? Fired from another job? Dumped again? You do know people's typical reasons to dump you are valid, right? You can't be in a relationship if the other party isn't there! What? Are you laughing at me? I've done really well for myself if you must know!"

"Yeah, who were you seeing last time? Oh, yeah, Zenzou's stalker cousin-"

"She's not a stalker!"

"Actually I'm not sure she is his cousin…"

A bulky man approached. He cast a long shadow over Gintoki's slumped form on the floor.

"Oi, Tsukki-chan, do you need help with this guy?"

Gintoki glanced up at a pair of menacing biceps trapped inside the sleeves of a sleek suit jacket.

"No, it's ok. I'm done here, Taka-kun."

The bouncer nodded and returned to his post.

"I've got to get back to work," Tsukuyo said, "Where did you park your shitty scooter?"

Gintoki cleared his throat and tried to stand up.

"I didn't. I walked."

Tsukuyo took a deep breath and stood up, hands on her hips.

"You're a lost cause. I'm gonna call you a taxi."

A sepulchral calm met Gintoki the next morning. Not a squeak or a crack inside his apartment. Certainly no Kagura dressing up for school or dragging him from bed so he would make her her favorite breakfast. Instead, the need to piss and vomit forced him out of bed. He sat on the toilet, head throbbing, but contemplative. In a few days he would soon be unable to distinguish one day from the other. Yesterday from today. Already he felt himself slip into the dangerous routine of self-abandon. Perhaps he would soon forget the reason that had set it all off.

The fridge hummed extra loud. The buzzing sound seemed to echo in the empty space within. Gintoki closed it in despair. His belly roared loud and angry. He scoured the kitchen cabinets for food like a cockroach, he checked under the sofa cushions, behind the TV set, Kagura's secret stash in the closet, inside the fridge again. He found crushed bits of rock-hard noodles and crumbs. Not a very satisfying meal, not even a decent side-dish. He needed to go buy food. Anything.

He checked his wallet. The sight was appalling. He could buy a pack of beer and two cups of instant ramen, maybe? For a minute he thanked Shinpachi for taking Kagura away. He had never been more grateful to have her out of his hands. If only he wasn't piss poor. He could barely wait for that big fat check coming his way. He could do with it now.

A thought arrested him. He almost choked. The anonymous call the previous day, could it have been them?

"Fuck."

What if it had been Shouyou's lawyers? His lawyers. The committee, whoever the fuck it was who was gonna get him his money? Gintoki checked his phone but there were no new calls. Not even from Tae. He groaned and got up. His unseemly reflection judged him on the bathroom mirror with distaste. Gintoki ignored it and washed his face before going out.

Another derisive sunny day. Gintoki flipped a finger at the sun and climbed down the stairs to the ground floor. Otose's smoking silhouette by her apartment door nearly gave him a heart-attack.

"Going out?" her voice reeked with contempt.

"I'm out of…" Gintoki stopped, going over his shopping list, "Everything."

Otose grunted. She blew out a wisp of smoke and tapped her cigarette on the ashtray set on her window sill.

"I've made curry for lunch. Why don't you join me?" she offered.

"I'm not hungry." Gintoki lied. His stomach growled.

Otose took a drag on her cigarette. Gintoki felt transparent.

"Can't a man go out for a drink in peace?!" he snapped.

"Kagura's dad showed up."

Gintoki froze.

"He is taking her away for a while. I don't know how long. Probably a week or so. Tae called me last night. You were out."

"She called him?" Gintoki asked.

"It was Kagura's school teacher I'm afraid. She got his number from Kagura's kindergarten."

Otose's answer brought Gintoki no relief. The world shook beneath his feet.

"It's good for her to be off with her dad. Umibouzu should be more present, I always thought so," Otose said, smoke enveloping her fingers, "It's good for you too, Gintoki. He never paid you for that the first time you babysat her, did he?" she chuckled, "Damn, bastard. Worse than you. At least now you can focus on yourself. Don't you see? The universe is giving you a chance."

And you're wasting it. Her eyes said. Gintoki looked away. The need to spike his insides with a burning, deadening liquid corrode him.

"My chance is coming whether I want to or not." he blurted, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

"But money always comes with a catch, uh?" Otose said, putting out her cigarette.

Gintoki grunted an intelligible response, eager to go. Otose didn't let him.

"I've got booze inside."

"What are you waiting for then?"

The mocking tone vanished from Otose's voice. She exhaled. Her rigid posture slackened and her candid eyes sought Gintoki's evasive look.

"Gintoki, when I told you you would get hurt I didn't wish for it to happen. I only hoped you would be wise enough not to sacrifice your future if it happened again."

Gintoki curled his hands into fists. He couldn't help but scorn the advice.

"So that's it then," he said, emotions bubbling under his skin, "Whether I hurt myself or not, I have to live with the assumption I will always lose the people I care about."

"Not yourself. Never yourself."

The gleam in Otose's eyes disappeared. She blinked it away and opened the door to her apartment.

"Please don't let an old woman drink by herself."

Gintoki raised his head. The sunshine lit the dark circles under his eyes and he gave her a faint smile.

"It would be a waste of booze."

"Don't act smart with me."

"I'm actually dying of hunger. Kagura-levels of hunger. Could I have her share of the curry?"