I loved how Marianna is wary of trusting Templars, helping them, or even considering them. If I had the kind of childhood she did, I'd probably react that same way as well. Well done again with her voice in this chapter...I absolutely love how true she is to herself and to her character without apology. (Marianna's rant about Cullen's true intentions were very cutting, but oh so believable.)

But, my favorite little line has to be this one: "Olisa may be the chosen protector of the family, but Marianna's the watch-dog." That is her one-line description to a T. :3

Looking forward to the next one!

-Momo

Aww I like Roddy, he's so sweet when he offered to help a complete stranger find their Templar brother. And it's really interesting how you wrote Roddy not having told the whole group about his being a mage...not even Varric so far. I like that a lot, because I just have all my characters love Varric and trust him with their lives from the get go lol. xD And the little interactions between Roddy and Varric when they see Olisa staring at Cullen are totally believable (as is him having to wash the dog in return for a favor lol)

Excellent writing with the battle scene, too! It was definitely an action-packed chapter, and I can't wait for more! (Again, yay Cullen! xD)

Nicely done with Olisa again

I can really feel her concern for her brother, "Roddy", and his involvement with Anders (both romantically and otherwise). I also really liked the little part at the beginning where Olisa looks around the room to assess her feelings about her various companions (Fenris being forever "impassive" and Merrill's "fruit rambles")...it's little descriptions like that that make Olisa into her own character with her own thoughts and feelings apart from her siblings.

Of course, Marianna always seems to make me giggle, this time about her inquiry about "the talk" Olisa needs to have with Roddy. xD

"Olisa swears Fenris cracks a smile, or smirk, or whatever that slight curve of his lip is." -I found this way too funny as I'm sure the same thought has occurred to me when I play the game and decide to interact with him. :p In other words, your portrayal of in-game characters is spot on thus far, in my opinion. :D

Ohhh, and Cullen makes his introductions! *squeals and continues to read*

-Momo

I like your voice for marianna; It reminded me of Matthew Reilly's writing for a moment. (Action)

"...and now they're neck deep in back-stabbing bitches with knife fetishes." -I snorted in a very unlady-like fashion when I read this. xD

Again, great, great writing...I love the attention to the little details that this story thrusts forth for the reader as it really engaged me throughout the chapter. Especially in comparison to your first draft of the story, I feel that each of the characters now have a clearer, more distinct voice and personality than before. Another thing that struck me as excellent is the way you write battle scenes: they are raw, demanding, and forceful, and I am very much impressed with them.

Oh, and one more of my favorite parts from the chapter: "Marianna would love it if she could drag her arse-face of an uncle on their next job just to see him shit his trousers..." xD

I am loving Marianna so far... she seems so relatable and human in her fiery musings.

Waiting eagerly for the next chapter!

-Momo

Yes, I am awesome!
And you are too sweetie! Tis always rewarding to see good chapters to fix rather than toiling endlessly on a chapter. I've done that once (and toil indeed) it was worth it in the end but tis time-consuming. Your wonderful chapters make my job as beta sooooo easy xxx

An interesting take on a revised character I enjoyed the added perspective, and the new insights into the gap between meeting the Witch of the Wilds and landing in Kirkwall.

As I felt the game was a bit lackluster when addressing death of family members in the game, I was happy to read a thoughtful chapter that touched upon how Hawke must have struggled after the death of a sibling.

Looking forward to seeing the characters grow.

Well done writing,

Momo

What a nice surprise. The spacing is a bit off putting though. In readability...

I loved this, no beta'ing because it was soooo good! Our Musicalrain is a wonderful author xxx

Still a bit wordy. Then again I prefer short sentences. This is a wonderful improvement. Good work.

Well done first chapter! You weave your own story along with the canon so well, and the writing is simply wonderful! I loved the amount of depth and drama you were able to conjure up so much emotion and drama into this chapter as well. Although I never particularly liked Carver in the game, I found myself so sad that he died in such a painful way. Poor Olisa, I hope she will be able to forgive herself one day.

"Her leathers feel damp against her skin, chafing around her shoulders and midsection as if too small there, when she knows it's just sweat and poor linens beneath that have hiked up beneath or bunched, and she is unable to adjust them in their flight." -I know it's only the second sentence, but I had to put it in here as one that really set the scene for me. It's like I can feel her discomfort through your description! Plus, the description of the various battle tactics used by the siblings was nicely done! (I particularly enjoyed the word "squelch" here) :D

I also like how you addressed how Roderick would be able to go to Kirkwall without being noticed for being a mage- - - that always eluded me that apostates wandered around in DA2 in full mage's robes and then acted surprised when someone knew what they were. xD

Lovely first chapter, and I can't wait for more!

-Momo

Twas wonderful beta-work done on this chapter, but lest we all forget twas the fantastic author that put the frame of awesomeness out for a mere beta xxx