Ooooh! An Avatar fan fic! Me like! Because for once, it's a fandom I'm familiar with!...even if I haven't seen the series and the episodes this is based on for a while now.

You're off to a really good start. Since this only focuses on two characters, Zuko and the silent assassin with the third eye on his forehead, you have plenty of room for characterization and establishing who they are and what they're doing. Considering the chapter itself is extremely short and there isn't much going on, the fact that you managed to not only keep them in character, but convey the assassin's intentions and emotions without dialogue at all is astounding. It's hard to do silent characters and do them well, but I think you managed to pull it off with the assassin spectacularly. Plus, with Zuko realizing the errors of his ways and wanting to make things right, I also feel you did a good job at showing just how conflicted Zuko is with everything, especially after he realizes what he's done.

I also like the overall conflict. Zuko wanting to get rid of the assassin, and said assassin wanting to complete his job despite being paid and dismissed...I get the feeling things aren't going to go well with Zuko. You managed to paint a very tense, suspenseful fight here, with Zuko trying everything he can to escape the assassin only to fall, potentially to his death, when he tries to fight head on. The details you added really add to not just the tension, but the atmosphere, and I think you managed to do a great job.

Honestly, there isn't much I can really find wrong here (not that I was intending to, anyway). The only real gripe I have with this chapter is that it's rather short. Short and sweet, doing its job and nothing more. Other than that, everything about this chapter was fine. Plus, you kept a slow but steady pace, building up to the final blow and not once straying away from what's going on at hand. Some people are turned off by short chapters while others don't like long chapters. You made up for the short length by creating a very intriguing introduction and adding all these details that can make anyone immersed in what's going on.

You've won yourself a fan, and I can't wait to read more! Overall, this is a great start to what I know will be a great fan fic!

Please continue this story?

Amazing story, really amazing. One thing though- when Sokka shouts at the universe, he doesn't say "Thanks Universe!" He says, "Thanks the Universe!" Although that is just me knit picking, I wouldn't have noticed it myself had I not watched that episode a few hours ago. Great story.

Opening/Writing/Dialog: The opening was undoubtedly my favorite part. I do believe the writing was at its best here. The explanation of the logic/thought process Zuko used was well written. I liked that it was simply explained as opposed to actually being thought out. "Then there were the other, crazier, ideas. He could pretend he was going there to hide and act surprised that they were there. He could find food and try to use it as a peace offering." This is something I can see the real Zuko thinking of. I'm not sure if it was in the show or not, but regardless I liked it. I also liked this line: "And there were so many things that could go wrong." It's a nice bit of foreshadowing as is this line: "If he had followed the Avatar this easily, someone else could have done the same." I did find myself thinking this piece could have used a bit of a vamp up in terms of the word choice. While I liked that you used yearn instead of want and demand vs said/command/ect, but some places felt like the words should been more different. I suppose impassive was kind of the odd bird out. I would've used expressionless. In the context I normally see it in, impassive is more so not feeling emotions as opposed to not expressing them, but it's still correct. Oh, and another thing I noticed is that the details in the begging are better in my opinion. They seemed to have better imagery than the rest of the story.

Characters/Dialog: First off, there isn't much to say on the assassin considering he doesn't really have a personality in the show from what I remember. I did find the bit about him being insulted humorous though "..as if he were personally insulted that Zuko had tried to bribe him.". Zuko was well written. I especially found this line to scream ZUKO: " 'Most bounty hunters are driven by greed, but greed is not the only drive for some.' As usual, Uncle Iroh could not just say what he meant, so Zuko had, as usual, ignored him. Now he was wishing he had asked more questions. 'Well then what do you want?'" While I assume most people could figure out Iroh was saying that they loved to kill or felt a duty in completing hits, Zuko seems like the kind of character that wouldn't make that connection, so good job on that. However, it would have seemed more like Zuko to word it like this, I think. "Well? What do you want?" The emphasis on the "Well?" would have sounded much more like Zuko as he generally speaks kind of bluntly and loudly. The carrying on of "then what do" seems wrong for him. Overall Zuko's line were written well though. That was just one thing I noticed that bugged me.

Writing: There were a couple of things I found to be worded oddly. Ex: "Zuko looked behind himself, realizing the cliff, and the Avatar, were what was behind him." This line just seems worded oddly. What's really drawing my attention is "...were what was.." Perhaps just " were behind him" or "was behind him" (and then take out the part about the cliff for grammatical reason). Another thing that I thought was oddly worded was "Zuko released his lightning. The Metal Assassin released his blast." Maybes it's just me, but I feel like combining both of the sentences into one would have made it feel more simultaneous.

Pace: The pace was decent. I would have appreciated a little more time for scenery details and such, but it was alright. It wasted no time jumping into the conflict, and while that's alright, I would have liked it a little slower. Maybe analyze Zuko's thoughts through the night some before introducing the metal assassin. The combat scene itself flowed nicely though and I did find myself thoroughly engaged throughout it.

Overall I did it enjoy it, but the writing and dialog could use a little tweak here and there and more details would be be appreciated. Also, you might have another review heading your way. They took down where I tagged and reviewed Belle in the Library with Logic in the game at RLT.

"Truth fears no questions." -Unknown

Until we (inevitably) meet again,
Pious

Alright. It's been awhile since I've seen Avatar the Last Airbender, but I've always liked Zuko's character progression.

What I liked about your story was that it was methodical. Zuko can be a methodical person, so the tone fits nicely with his personality. It's not always easy to do when you're writing a story about a single character and for the tone to match the character that's being written about. I have problems with this sometimes, so kudos to you for doing it well.

I also found the pacing to be quite good. It never felt like it dragged, which is important in the first chapter of a story. You always want to keep your reader's interest, and this is something I know I struggle with. So, good job!

In terms of what you can work on. There are some parts of this story where the sentence structure can get repetitive. Using "he" a lot can be avoided if you connect sentences together to make them complex sentences, or to experiment with writing that part of the scene differently. It's sometimes difficult to do this, but it makes you a better writer if you can write in different styles and forms. Does that make sense?

Here's an example:

He went to the grocery store. He also went to his sister's house to pick up the flowers. He wished he didn't have to do these things.

Instead:

He went to the grocery store and to his sister's house to pick up some flowers. These two errands bothered him to no end.

If the sentences have similar sentence structures, then you should combine then. The last sentence I did change, but it also made it more compelling to read (in some ways I know it's a boring example).

I hope my review is helpful. I found your story through the Beginners Review Tag.

Opening: It's a good opening to show Zuko contemplating how he's going to tell the gaang that he's on their side. It helps set when in the timeline this is happening.
Ending: Great cliffhanger ending with Zuko in danger.
Character: I like Zuko's inner conflict over telling the gaang. It feels consistent with characterization in the show, but doesn't feel like a retread. Now in the show he never expresses a huge conflict over whether or not to kill Ozai- on the day of the eclipse, he seems all too willing to kill his father and only refrains from doing so because that's the Avatar's job, but this is a fan fic, you're allowed to take some liberties, and maybe that is just an excuse to cover up his own inability to deal the finishing blow.

I like that you started this chapter with running action. I'm a little confused as to why Sokka "just knew" about the door. If this sort of knowledge is canon, feel free to ignore me, but if not, I'd maybe think of a way he could realistically know, or have a couple of false starts.

"Suki stood..." This is in the present tense, as if Suki started to stand there as Sokka opened the door.

[been there all along...] This sounded a little clunky, as if you'd forgotten to tell us this earlier?

[Echoey] I know what you're trying to convey there, but this also sounded a little awkward, with "echoey" being a somewhat made-up word. I did like the description of Yue, though "suddenly" could be tightened.

[down, down...] I liked this a lot :)

[to the ground] This is used twice of two different characters in two lines, so I would perhaps think of either a different motion, or a different way of expressing it.

["He must've landed wrong!"] This seems a perfectly normal thing to think, but odd to say. If this dialogue is canonical, though, again feel free to ignore me :)

[Everyone gaped...] I like that you correct yourself to everyone except Katara, but in general I find multiple characters described as doing the exact same thing as a little problematic and imprecise. I also couldn't see Combustion Man's fall... did he stagger? Go down on his face?

[Took a strong pose] I also had difficulty "seeing" this one, and thought it could be tweaked a little.

["I don't believe you!"] Your mileage may vary on this, but I feel as though it might be more powerful if you omit this line. Katara's anger is evident, and her not believing that Zuko was saving Aang is evident in that she continues to unleash icicles on him.

A great place to leave us, without a false sort of "cliffhanger"; looking forward to what happens next :)

I know the fandom well enough to know the characters but not the history of the kingdoms or of the characters' whole lives. The opening scene captures Aang well: deep burdens carried by someone who retains his childhood innocence; a sense of humility and unworthiness that actually demonstrates why he's so worthy; guilt that others are so determined to support him; and finally his immediately jumping into the action at the slightest possibility he can help.

Poor Zuko, trying to do the right thing and having it backfire. In general, telling the truth, confessing one's sins, is the right thing to do, but admitting he hired the assassin that's endangering Aang- -well, probably not a smart thing to admit. This right here makes him a very likeable character to follow in your story: [Another explosion rocked the temple and Zuko could hear more people screaming further up. He did not have time for a pity party. It was time to act. He ran toward the stairs.] Zuko can't airbend, right? Nice cliffhanger- -both the overall situation of the hideout under attack, full of the people Zuko wants to prove himself to and join, and the little detail that he's blow the white bison whistle. Wow. How will Aang's companion react to being summoned by Zuko?

This may just be me: Scene 1, paragraph 7: [His eyes widened and his chest heaved into the air. ] Since "into the air" usually describes a larger motion (e.g., "He threw his hat into the air," etc.) this image was wrong for me. Just "his chest heaved" is enough.

Scene 2, paragraph 2: the switch to Aang's point-of-view is, I'm certain, intentional. For me, the scene would be more effective if you stayed firmly in Zuko's POV throughout. You could get across some of Aang's "thoughts" by making them Zuco's evaluation of what he's thinking (like you do in the rest of the scene).

You write action sequences /fabulously/. The pacing and tone just flowed so perfectly with the rest of the fic. I especially liked the interactions between Zuko and the Assassin; you really captured the tension between the two of them, and your short, terse way of phrasing things (i.e. Zuko released his lightning. The Metal Assassin released his blast) made for a highly engaging read.

I love love love love LOVE Zuko's character, and I just love how you wrote him. I remember this episode so vividly, too; he was nervous about approaching Aang and the group, but that didn't dampen his determination. You nailed his character /perfectly/. I also liked his musings about his father and Iroh, and how (even in their present absence) both of them still have a profound effect on him.

Overall, a wonderful job! This was super well-written, and little one-liners here and there (i.e. He really wanted to avoid being thrown off the mountainside) made me crack up :P

xx Nina

This is an interesting and in-character alternative to the episode. I must say I think the angst is pretty heavy; dang, those nightmares. 0.o The characterization is on par, though I'm not used to them acting so emotionally fragile.

All your changes have a darker, mature twist, especially in how Combustion Man died. It's nicely done though, it's like you went and said "Yes, these decisions have really really bad effects on these children." But you kept the humor in. I loved Sokka's reaction to Zuko riding Appa. Hilarious.

My advice for your style is to look for chances to make it more show than tell. Sentences like this "But whatever connection he was hoping to rekindle, she wanted none of it" aren't necessary when Katara's attitude already overtly displays this, and she says stuff like "I will never trust you."

Avatar Last Airbender for the win.
Sarah

Aang's angst (!) is nicely done here, and you've given ample reason for him to be angsting. "Few floors" confused me, as it implies he's in a building where there *are* floors, which is not the impression I got from the first chapter.

"All he could think..." This may well be my canon blindness talking, but I'd be tempted to expand that thought a little. You do go on to talk about his people being expendable, etc, but the "executed" point was left dangling a little to me.

"Pain shot through..." I was amused by your A/N on the subject, since I recognised a panic attack when I read one :p Mind you, it's still a very grim thing for a twelve year old child to go through. If your readers aren't regularly mistaking it for a heart attack I'd be tempted to lose the AN, but if they are, then by all means keep it. Being canon blind, I didn't at first realise how young Aang is. While some of his panic/angsting seems slightly melodramatic, it makes perfect sense for this to be the emotional reaction of a child.

"woulddo" - Site ate your space. :)

"Youhired" - Same here. The site eats spaces when you move around italics.

Well, that was an epic fail on Zuko's part. I like the way you intersperse dialogue and action there.

"quiet" missed the full stop at the end. :)

I don't know what the significance is of the white bison whistle, but it was an awesome and dramatic place to end the chapter. Looking forward to more x

Hiya :) Sorry both for the delay and the fact that apart from reading Faulty's work, I'm essentially canon blind.

As with all your work, I really like your spacious, clean style. Even canon blind, I'm never completely daunted or lost approaching your fics. Your first paragraph says so much in such a little space, outlining the who, what, where, how and why.

I love how you express the relateable desire to overthink and overcomplicate what really should be a simple exchange, by having Zuko go from just being completely honest to ploys like using food as a peace offering.

"In the end" - your mileage always varies when it comes to stylistic things, but I'd consider taking this out, as it approaches the fourth wall a little too closely (for my tastes.)

I love that you throw in such small but significant character things, like the (canon?) reference to an incident with Uncle Iroh in a boat in winter. I also like the upturned basket as a tent. It characterises both you and Zuko as resourceful and inventive :)

"Dreams of his father" - I love the words and ideas here. I'd be tempted to put a period/full stop after this instead of a semicolon, but again, up to you.

"In a harsh voice" - Now I'm just getting nitpicky, but this is implied by the mood and dialogue, so it doesn't need to be said :) All of Zuko's dialogue in this section is great, though, and again I love the nod to the absent Uncle Iroh.

"Zuko dove" - dived? I'm not entirely sure, but it stood out, and so did "fighting stance" - that instance simply because I can't see it. I love Zuko's determination to protect the Avatar against this Metal Assassin (again, I assume canon.)

It's a common thing to end a chapter with the protagonist becoming unconscious, but well justified in this case :D "Fell into oblivion" is a great way of expressing it.

Very much enjoying this x

This is a nice opening chapter, leaving me curious about what will happen.

I like Zuko’s going through the various possibilities, including crazy ones.

I also like his decision not to use a fire. Small as it is, it shows that he’s come a long way from his former impulsiveness.

[a mixture of pain and yearning]
That’s a great way to put it.

[Ah, his father]
I found “Ah” to be out of place. It’s informal, so I don’t think it matches the very serious matter Zuko is thinking about.

[He had spent most of his youth trying to earn his father’s love; now he was plotting to kill him]
I don’t think this sentence is necessary. If it’s narration, readers already know, and it doesn’t seem like something Zuko would think directly. I think you might improve by giving us his exact thoughts here.

[haunted by dreams of his father.]
I think a specific nightmare might be more effective.

[Zuko woke up, all at once on guard, but unsure against what.]
I found this sentence awkward. Maybe “Zuko woke suddenly, on guard,” would work better?

I also found it strange that you’ve italicized this thought, but not others. I would advise being consistent: either italicizing all his thoughts, or none.

[praying it was not Azula]
Smart man.

[Zuko asked, lowering his arms]
I laughed. I’m really glad that Azula is properly feared here.

I like your description of the mute, impassive assassin. It conveys his personality and threat well.

[no way he could stop the Metal Assassin himself but at least he could try.]
If he can’t take the assassin himself, shouldn’t he run and try to warn Aang’s group, rather than fighting?

I am somewhat surprised that Zuko would try lightning at that particular moment, and that he would succeed, given his emotional turmoil earlier.

Solid cliffhanger at the end.

I enjoyed the chapter, and it was generally well written.

I'm slightly familiar with the fandom. Tragic villains capable of redemption are always my favorites in any fandom, so I love your choice of Zuko as your protagonist. I only have two minor suggestions (at the end of this review), so this is going to be more of an I-saw-what-you-did-there appreciation. ;D

You've started his story in the midst of a complex set of circumstances, and you unfold them nicely: first, Zuko wants to join the Avatar and his friends, but he has no clue how he can even approach them without making them fight him or flee him because of how he's acted toward them in the past; Zuko has had a revelation *before* this scene, has realized his uncle was his true mentor and that he must do what his uncle would have wanted if he ever wants to redeem himself from having betrayed him; Zuko has also realized thas the father he'd done bad things to please is his enemy and that he's going to, eventually, have to kill him.

If all of these internal conflicts weren't enough, suddenly Zuko is faced with having to reverse one of his prior bad acts: his engaging the Metal Assassin to go after the Avatar. Telling the assassin the job is cancelled, offering to pay his full price anyway- -neither will be enough. Zuko tries to lead the assassin away from the Avatar, but that plan goes awry. Zuko wonders if perhaps the Avatar and his friends will see his plight and help, but that is unlikely. Zuko tries to attack him himself, but can't manage that either. Finally, he plummets, hits his head, and falls into unconsciousness. Quite an exciting hook on which to end chapter 1.

Love these lines because they show such an understanding of the character and situations he's been in on the show: [As usual, Uncle Iroh could not just say what he meant, so Zuko had, as usual, ignored him.] [He would have to figure it out as he went, like he always did. For the life of him he could not remember a time when that had actually worked.]

Suggestion: use one of FFN's long lines to indicate a scene break after paragraph 9, though the wording makes the break in time clear.

Nit:
Paragraph 15: [...but the Metal Assassin shook his head, finally giving Zuko {{an}} indication that he had heard him.]

is there going to be more? :D