Doflamingo killed his own sister in a very cruel manner

Great story! I really enjoyed it! I guess I'll go find the sequel now! :)

-Yvonne

About time!

*tears up* this is so beautifully written and I can't wait to read to sequel

I am actually crying now. People in the room can see tears physically falling from my eyes. I can't express my deep, deep love for the quality of this. I only with there was a sequel.

...I'm still in shock about her death...
...
...
Oh my...
...she died...
damn it...

The introduction of Dominica and also her first meeting with Law was a very sweet one. So far, I see Dominica as a good lead OC since I assume this will be Law’s mother/mentor figure. She has a tough exterior, but deep down she has a soft spot, which I believe steams from the fact that she is a doctor of some sort. I’m sure most people who become a doctor want to help people, after all.

I did like the content of the chapter, though, I feel that it was rather rushed. The pace seemed to be quick between the two and maybe Law was rather quick to trust a stranger considering his background (from the bits and pieces I’ve read, it doesn’t seem too be pretty). Maybe more detail could have helped with making a nice pace for development between characters. Also, I do know that some things aren’t expanded upon due to revealing the plot overtime, but I’m referring more to…atmospheric detail. This is something that I also have trouble with as well and you can only get better by writing. What I usually do finish the barebones of a chapter and then read through it again, adding more detail to help with pace and also flow.

Your flow in this chapter is good, though there are sections that I feel could have been worked on, such as when Law is going in and out of consciousness. For some reason, it didn’t sit well with me, maybe because I didn’t get a larger picture. No offense, but writing about someone’s point of view while they’re sleeping is boring. A way to fix this is changing the point of view of the person. Instead of Law, try using Dominica’s point of view. She is awake, and also it would give the readers more of an insight of her character. It’s only a thought, and you don’t have to listen to it or change it because I did enjoy this chapter through and through.

Also, two tiny mistakes that I found:

“Can you talk?” Again the boy nodded and ner(her) frown deepened yet again.

The boy suddenly seemed to(so) tense and he stared at her, frightened.

I hope my critique helped you in some way. :)

I'm re-reading this story just because I can't get enough of it! It's hard waiting for the sequel!

It’s been awhile since I read a story, but you recommend your story and asked for a critique, so here I am. I will try and review every chapter, but with my schedule, it will probably take some time. Therefore, don’t worry if you don’t hear from me in a day or two. I promise to finish this story.

Onto the review. I think it started out well for a prologue/first chapter. There was a nice balance between cute, mystery and ominous/dark tones. The part with Bepo was rather pleasant and sweet to see Law smile after having helped his first patient. Though maybe it could have gone into more detail with how he fixed up Bepo; then again, I don’t expect everyone to know how stitching up a wound goes and not everyone wants to research it, especially if one is queasy about blood. So don’t worry too much about that. And then you did well to bring in that darker side with Law getting caught and, sadly, beaten up by his captor. It would be too easy if he got away, after all, but it would have been interesting to see Law trying to survive as a child in harsh winter terrain.

Moving on, I suspect Law is trying to run away from Doflamingo, but this is only speculation and I’m sure I’ll figure out who it really is in the next chapter, so I’ll wait until then.

Plot wise, there was nothing I would work on and I feel the introduction was fairly good because it left the reader with a vague idea of what was going on. Though, there was a few grammar errors, but nothing extreme so I wouldn’t worry too much about. But if you do wish to find the tiny errors, I think a simple read through would help. I usually read chapters aloud because it helps me find more errors. Also, the spacing through some sections could have been different, but that it is more of a personal preference than something to be taken seriously. I felt it could have flowed better that way, but the chapter was still easy to follow all and all.

So, my overall impression of this story is a good one and I’m expecting to see a good tale come out of this. I’m excited to see what comes in Chapter 2.
Elielephant

*Flips out and hits head on the wall,repeatedly.*

liked the way you made reference to the chapter 729 linking to the present history of the manga
in your latest chapters couldn't stop verifying everyday if there was an update.
it is coll to see doflamingo expressing affection for someone despite beeing in a possessive way ...
congratulations for finishing this awesome first part of the history! ; )

Oh man...this story made me tear up so much. I really want to know how all of this affected Law as he grew up. Can't wait for First Dream!

I'm gona miss Dominica. :( I look forward to reading the next part of this series.

This was awesome! A great series and I'm looking forward for the next installment. Meanwhile, fan art will be sent your way 3
TexasBean

Haha good timing. Well I know what I will be reading next. Dayum that was an awesome ending. It was left kind of open which annoyed me but that'll spur me on to read the next one XD

Happy writings