The last line was very striking and worth remembering, as well as original. I liked it except for the fact that you separated almost every single line into one-sentence paragraphs. I know you were trying to do that for impact, but if you overdo it, it just doesn't work. I suggest you condense them into smallish paragraphs with probably one or two stand-alone lines for effect, especially the last one.

I hope you take a look at my Snily stories too, especially after I've given you this nice long review!

That last line... that's what I believe is the biggest reason Severus dislikes Harry.

awww thats so sad