I like this.

The pacing needs some work. It just runs too fast; I don't slow down to read it because it's that good, I rush through it to get the gist. It's a ficlet that encourages skimming; A bit not good.

Take this basic idea and fatten it up a bit.

-this has been a brief critical review.

This was great more please !
3 Lendexial

Haha loved it, nice work! A sequel perhaps? ;)