AWWWWWWW!

I really like the effects at the beginning of the story, and they really dragged me in. I especially like the 'jolt of fear', like it's struck him like lighting- quick and painful, leaving a burning sensation. :) I really love this section- [his body trembling with the aftershock of the horrendous] - since it sounds so tense and dramatic, and I found it frightening. :O I also like how you didn't tell us what events it was that he'd just seen- it makes us want to read on. What was it that he saw? :O I like how the description for his eyes being 'stormy gray' might show that he's hit a dull, frightening patch in his life, like there's a storm over his head that just won't stop. I think that the gray might hint at some kind of a darkness inside him, too. Nice. :)

I love the 'in and out' part, as it adds some kind of a rhythm, as if he's finally managing to calm himself down and get back in order after the frightening events he'd just witnessed.

I like how you didn't mention straight away that it was Voldemort that he'd dreamed about, since it added more tension at the beginning and it made him seem even more intimidating. I like how the Death Eater tattoo burns, too, as if he's constantly being reminded of this tormenting, evil character.

I like how Astoria is always there for him, caring about him. It's very sweet. :) I like the effect of describing the empty part of the bed, as it emphasises his loneliness, and how he has to deal with his problems by himself tonight. :O

I really like the way you portray innocence in the child, especially in his childlike speech and the fact that he's clutching a brown bear. :) The innocence compared to the harsh world he's been born into is really sad, but really effective. :)

Aww, I find it so cute that his son is trying to put him at ease. :) I also love how he climbs into bed with him, as if he wants to keep Daddy safe. It's adorable! :) It's also really sweet how he's seen some of his wife in his son, and how he's glad that he isn't like the other Malfoys. You've portrayed a wonderful father-son bond in this story. :)

I also like how he is learning from his son, as most HP fics I've read are to do with children learning from their parents. I like how you've made it different. :)

Aww, the happy ending was delightful- so delightful, in fact, that it gave me butterflies in my stomach. The family bond in this fanfic is so sweet, and I loved it! :D Excellent job! :) This was a wonderful, feel-good read.

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Here is my critique and suggestions for you. Just so it's clear, I am, in no way, telling you off for making mistakes- we all make them in our writing, and that's okay. I am merely providing corrections for you. Remember that you do not have to use my suggestions, since they're my personal opinion- only use them if you choose to. I hope this will be helpful to you. :)

(If you're wondering why it's so long, I've included some guides in here for you. :D )

. I suggest leaving 'Read and Review' out of the summary, and then put it at the bottom of the story instead- or even better, 'please review' is a politer alternative. :) If it's at the bottom of the story, then you can assume that the reader has shown interest in reading the story, and this might entice them into writing a better review for the story. :) Whereas putting it in the summary, where the reader hasn't read the story yet, might urge them to write something less detailed. :)

. (his knuckled now turning) Here, 'knuckled' should be 'knuckles.' :)

. (An electrical current ran through the unconscious body, a jolt of fear mixed with anger jerked the man out of his alarming dream, his body trembling with the aftershock of the horrendous things he had just witnessed.)

In my opinion, I think this section would be more dramatic if you broke down the three clauses into separate sentences. It would seem more dramatic as individual sentences, and would add to the idea that he's deeply frightened. :)

[ An electrical current ran through the unconscious body. A jolt of fear mixed with anger jerked the man out of his alarming dream. His body trembled with the aftershock of the horrendous things he had just witnessed.]

Also, I personally think that 'events' might sound better as 'things', since 'things' sounds a little lighthearted, and therefore takes away from the drama and the tension of the situation. :)

. (He could feel his heart pounding through his ribcage, beginning to make the bones ache and his heart to feel over worked.) I personally found the wording of this sentence to be a little awkward, and that there are places where a different word could be used to make it sound more painful and dramatic. Here is my suggestion, although you do not have to use it if you feel it sounds better in your style. :)

[ His heart pounded in his chest- each beat sending an intense ache striking through his ribcage, each pump pushing the muscle to its limits.]

. (That was one of the worst. He thought to himself ) When it comes to thoughts, it is easier to write the thought in italics to make it clearer that it's a thought. also, when you use 'he thought' and the line of thought ends with a full stop, you replace it with a comma. Here are some examples. :) The parts in the slashes indicate where italics should be.

[ /That was one of the worst,/ he thought.] [ /I wonder where he is,/ she thought.]

. (nightmare's) plurals do not need apostrophes in them. :)
[ nightmares]

. (He let his eyes re-open, the white blur now vanished from his vision. ) This sentence has a comma splice- a comma where a full stop should be. To change this, you can either leave the sentence as is and change 'vanished' to 'vanishing', or you can change the comma to a full stop.

[ He let his eyes re-open, the white blur now vanishing from his vision. ]
[ He let his eyes re-open. The white blur now vanished from his vision. ]

. (wont ) Here is a guide I wrote to the apostrophe of contraction. :)

Apostrophe- Contraction
‘Your’ is showing said you’s possession. [your dog] You need ‘ you’re ‘, the contracted form of ‘ you are’. [ You’re cool.]

. ‘Its’ is showing a possession of said it. [Its tongue] Here, you would use ‘ it’s’ , the contracted form of ‘it is’. [ It’s nice.]

You’re- you are, It’s- it is, I’ll- I will, I’m- I am, You’ll- you will, can’t- cannot, don’t- do not, won’t- will not, shouldn’t- should not, couldn’t- could not, wouldn’t- would not.

...Therefore here, 'wont' should be 'won't. :)

. (not matter how ) It should be 'no matter' here. :)

. (it may be) Since this piece is in present tense, this part needs to be changed to 'it may have been'.

. (A beam of yellow line ) Instead of 'line', a better word to use might be 'energy' or 'light', or possibly 'matter'. :)

. ("Daddy?" A soft voice came once ) I think that 'came' might be better as 'called' here. :)

Also, here is a guide I wrote to punctuating dialogue. Should you have any questions about it, or if anything needs to be clarified, please PM me and ask. :)

. . . . . . . . . .

[“This is my dog.”] If this line followed with a dialogue tag, then you would have to replace the full stop/period at the end of it with a comma. You do not capitalise the first word of a dialogue tag UNLESS it starts with a name, or anything else that would normally need capitalising. Examples:

[“This is my dog,” I said.] … [“This is my dog,” he said.]… [“This is my dog,” Jim said.]

A dialogue tag is something that describes how something is said, such as: [Said, asked, snapped, shouted, bellowed, yelled, and screamed and whispered.]

[“This is right.” He said. ] Nope! [“This is right,” He said.] Nope! [“This is right.” he said.] Nope! Finally… [“This is right,” he said.] Yep!

Some words that are better not used as dialogue tags: Sighed, laughed, giggled, and chuckled. Instead of using these as dialogue tags, try using this instead, or just leave it as not being a dialogue tag (example 2.)
[“That’s silly,” said Chelsea, with a chuckle.]
[ “That’s silly.” Chelsea chuckled.]

[“This is my dog,” Jim smiled.] This is incorrect, because one cannot smile words. Things that aren’t dialogue tags are slightly different. You leave the full stop/period as a full stop/ period when the next part is not a dialogue tag. If it doesn’t describe how something is said, then chances are that it is not a dialogue tag. In this case, you capitalise the ‘non-dialogue tag’ as if it were the start of a new sentence.

[“That’s nice.” Jim smiled. ] [“That’s a good idea.” Andy took off his coat.] [“That’s splendid.” He swished his long hair.]

Not [“That’s nice,” he smiled’] or [That’s nice.” he smiled] but [“That’s nice.” He smiled. ]

[“Are you crazy?”] [“That’s amazing!”] Now, in these cases, you don’t need any extra commas or full stops/periods. Just remember- is it a dialogue tag after? Don’t capitalise it (UNLESS it starts with a name or something else that needs capitalising.) Is it not? Then, do capitalise it.

[“Are you crazy?” he asked.] [“Are you crazy?” He leapt back.] [“That’s neat!” she exclaimed.] [“That’s neat!” She clapped.]

When it comes to two different sections, then this is how it goes.

[“This is great,” he said, “and I like the colours.”]
[“This is great,” he said. “Well done.”]
[“This is great.” He put down his mug. “I really like this place.”]

When it’s a line of dialogue on its own, you still need the full stop/question mark/ exclamation mark etc. at the end of it.
[ “Nice.”]
[ “Awesome!”]
[ “What?”]
[ “I see…]

. . . . . . . . . . . .

. (his fathers ) Here is a small guide on the apostrophe of possession. :)

[Marys hat] [Johns scarf] This is incorrect, because there’s no possession apostrophe. The possession apostrophe shows that they ‘possess’ the object after it. You put it just before the S.

[Mary’s hat] [John’s scarf] [The dog’s tail] [The cat’s paw]

When the word ends in S, then you’d use this:

[Silas’s shirt] [Thomas’s book]

When it com