I like the flow! awesome very interesting1

Wonderful! Just came across your story and love this chapter. I do hope you will be writing more.

I don’t know much about Skyrim but I like your fic so far. You’re doing fine and I’d like to see more.
You haven’t made a lot of errors considering you don’t have a beta to help you with that.

Maybe add a page break when it shifts from Cloud to Zack
I also found 2 instances where you wrote though instead of through, like in the next sentence:
Angeal worked to change his mind (through) the whole night, reassuring Cloud that he didn’t need brute strength to make it {in} their faction. - in might be better as into
You also say later that the sun’s only setting so night should be evening.

Overall, I think your writing's better than you give yourself credit for, maybe add a bit more description and we'll see where it goes. It also helps to have a general idea of where you're going.

great story. keep writing. update soon. I can't wait to read more! This is getting interesting.

Vincent should be a vampire who works for the Dark Brotherhood. Cloud can either meet him on a assignment (and keep running into him) or join the Brotherhood. Yuffie could be a member of the Thieves' Guild (same as the idea with Vincent. Cloud keeps running into her or he joins the Guild).

Personally I think he should join the Companions, Dark Brotherhood, and Thieves' Guild (in no particually order).

Also is there any pairings? Is Cloud homosexual or just shy?

I'm looking forward to seeing more of this!

So far this looks pretty interesting. Sadly I can't think of much to say in terms of constructive criticism. Well, maybe describe the characters or what they're wearing a tiny bit more. Or in the case of necessary O/C characters describe what they look like (ex. - Cloud's mother, Avera). Unless you're trying to let the reader's imagination fill in the blanks; which is fine.

Overall I like the idea and can't wait to read more.

Thank you for posting and best of luck with this story.

- Takai