This was cute! :)

Lol That last line is brilliant! "Don't talk like that," Oliver snapped. At Percy's questioning face, he clarified, "You make us sound old already." XD I've always loved how Percy came back to his family side where he belongs at the end of the book. I love it even more to think that Oliver and Percy are the best of friends. They really do belong together, whether romantically or as best friends.

ferret nin

Oh, I'm so sorry this has taken me so long! This was excellent. Really excellent. I enjoyed it emensely :) A couple quick comments and scoring:
Vocabulary 4/5 - it's what I've given everybody so far. you handle the language really well, but I didn't have to look up words, which means there's always room for broadening.
Flow 3/5 - While the three part set-up worked really well for a framing device, the transitions between scenes were quite abrupt and jarring. Concider using X's or some other separation symbol, or else to smoothe over transitions. For instance, between the first and second scenes, the line about how Percy's and Oliver's conversations always stayed easy-going is followed imediately by the opposite sort of conversation. It's not quitelogical there. Also, be careful with summary paragraphs. They're a great tool, but telling rather than showing drains a story of meaning. That's not to say you need to show all those years, but maybe just stick to events and leave the commentary about their relationship to a minimum.
Dialogue 4/5 - You did pretty well here. The words felt natural and real and you certainly avoided the pitfall of stilted dialogue.
Characterization 4/5 - I really liked the portrayal of the characters at its essence, but there were times - particularly in the dialogue - when it seemed rather OOC for Oliver or Percy to be saying or acting the way that they were. For instance, the intro scene was very character-building and an excellent intro to who Percy and Oliver were in relation to each other, but Percy's way of talking ot Oliver seemed... to casual for the very errect person he is.
Description 3.5/5 - I particularly liked the imagery at the beginning with the grass, and there were other phrases that jumped out at me and made me feel what the characters were feeling, but I think more description of actions, of particular feelings - physiological or psychological - would have enhanced the story. Description does not only have to be setting, but also people, internally, externally, action, tone, description is everywhere. It's like the flour of writing. Don't be afraid to add a little more to puff up your work, give it some extra padding.
Use of Quote 3.5/5 - I think it worked very well at the end, but I suppose I would have liked the gesture to be emphasized a little more to really drive home the point. To make the quote pop, you could focus on Oliver's meager dwellings being a batchelor and all, proud that he could offer Percy a bed (and also add in a bit of how Percy has changed, that is, he was a very status-driven, materialistic-minded sort before all this who might feel embarassed or degraded to be sleeping on a sagging old couch, but now and because it's Oliver's, it's one of the best places he could be). I also didn't quite understand that exchange. Percy says his parents want him to come home so why is he going to Oliver's?
First score 22/30 or 73%
I'm gonna give you nine out of ten for the second score, the measure of how well the friendship was protrayed, because I really felt how much these two meant to each other (in particular Oliver's action at the end, stepping forward and just embracing his wayward friend, speaking into his shoulder, that was excellent, and so true to having just survived a war. Might have mentioned that detail in conjucture to that aciton though, explaining a little more the utter shock and tragedy and relief of standing there. Might also have been good to put them on the Quidditch pitch. I can't remember if they were or not). But a brief explanation for the context of their friendship would have really driven this home. A brief bit of naration explaning that they were the only two boys in their year and house, or else that Oliver had needed tutoring or Percy had wanted to learn to fly like his brothers (for all of about five seconds when they were young) or whatever other reason they have for being such good friends and yet so different people.
ALright, averaging your scores, you end up with... 81.5/100
Good job! I'm so glad you wrote this and turned it in. I like to think these two were friends, even if it's not in the books and it's always nice to flesh out some less-than-explored areas of the HP world. Great writing and great story-telling! Keep an eye out for the results :)

love it I could totally imagine those too being friends is there gonna be another chapter I hope soo .