Ty for ur hard work! Will u still continue?

Please continue with your story I love it but would like longer chapters

Reborn would kill you for shrieking like that xD

Your story is great! I hope that you can update your story

Great story

you guys are cruel...so cruel...how could you leave tsuna for his fake no good brothers...how can you...at least hibari cares for him...Hibari pls remember tsuna pls...I don't want tsuna to suffer anymore...and I am saying this once...Hurt tsuna and you fucking dead I'm talking about his no good brothers...pls Hibari bite tsuna's brothers to death

This is a great idea and a story that I would very much like to read further, although the performance ... I will focus on compliments to the author for the smart idea.

I know that this is your first story and all, and you'll probably learn in the future, but I hope you don't mind if I give you this constructive criticism...

A paragraph is a bunch of sentences grouped together. But you have like, one sentence per 'paragraph' and it...just doesn't look good. Having a one sentence paragraph gives it sort of like a pause effect, I think. It's for dramatics, you see. Example,

"He wasn't a religious person, by any means, but as he sat on that chair outside those doors he can't help but pray.

'Please, please, please...'.

The clock was ticking away, and her life could be ticking away with it. He hoped and he wished. She was a strong girl, she can fight through this–she always had against anyone trying to hurt them, why not this time too? He gave himself hope that everything will be okay, that he'll hear her laugh again, that they'll go to that clearing in the woods and watch the stars at night, and see that little smile whenever he tripped on clumsy feet before they laugh it off like always.

But it was not to be.

The clock struck twelve, and the doors opened..."

Did you notice that slight pause? That long paragraph about his waiting, that slight build up as he hoped and hoped and hoped, then a short sentence of "but it was not to be."

Dramatic isn't it?

But if every paragraph is just one sentence, then that pause effect just keeps happening and happening. And it sort of snaps me out of the story, prevents me from really being buried in it. I'm not sure how to explain it, or even if you understood with how I explained it.

Now to repeat that example in one per paragraph form...

"He wasn't a religious person, by any means, but as he sat on that chair outside those doors he can't help but pray.

'Please, please, please...'.

The clock was ticking away, and her life could be ticking away with it.

He hoped and he wished.

She was a strong girl, she can fight through this–she always had against anyone trying to hurt them, why not this time too?

He gave himself hope that everything will be okay,

that he'll hear her laugh again,

that they'll go to that clearing in the woods and watch the stars at night,

and see that little smile whenever he tripped on clumsy feet before they laugh it off like always.

But it was not to be.

The clock struck twelve and the doors opened..."

The impact of her death in that one sentence("But it was not to beis...lost on the reader since its not the only one-sentence-in-one-paragraph.

It is even worse if there was no dramatic or emotion-filled scene, and the character is just opening a door. Also worse if it's filled with short sentences.

"He opened the door to a silent house.

Leaving his shoes, he entered.

He looked around for a bit before entering the living room.
He pursed his lips."

I'm not an expert. But I've read some books(Wattpad books, not published) of authors about how to write stories. One of which is from a girl whose father is a writer, so don't doubt her book just because it's not published.

I picked up stuff like what I just told you, along with combining long sentences with short. So um... Yeah.

Please don't get upset, only trying to help.

update!

You said you'll never abandon this but it's been three years already. Are you sure you're going to continue this? (Just so that I won't have false hopes)

i know you love tsuna and all of that and that is why you left it in 27 chapters, but please, i know you also love mokuro a chapter 69 or 96 would be nice you know

I need mooreee

haha your screwed

im enjoying this regardless of the grammar errors. Quite good. been a while since ive read a twin/siblings story where the brothers have a chance to change.

You probably won't see this, but great first chapter!