Thanks for the feedback... I didn't think anyone really cared for this story when compared to my other. It's been on hiatus for a bit but I think I'll continue it!

This chapter is awesome. I love Max Payne. I've also read your other max Payne story it was also awesome. Please continue and keep up the amazing work.

Hi Sir Lethal,

I enjoyed reading what you have so far. The thought of incorporating the Illuminati into a Max Payne story never crossed my mind, but you can run wild with this twist if done correctly. Since this is only your second story, I'd like to offer some constructive criticism to help you build on this foundation you have.

Firstly, there seems to be no description of the settings, apart from the very first sentence. What does Bob look like? Is Max cleanly shaven with his hair fixed, or does he look ragged and aged? You mentioned the assassin marked his victims with Illuminati symbols. How? Are they sliced into the victim, burned in the skin, painted on? Description can make or a break a story, but with none whatsoever, the story will always suffer.

Also, because this is a sequel to your previous story, you can't assume your readers have already read the previous story. I know I haven't. It would serve you well to begin this one with some back story to give your new readers the ability to "catch up" on events. Max got his daughter back, from where? Why is D.C. his most hated city? Who are The Company and how did he come to cross paths with them in the first place? Why did they help them?

These are critical questions, and without so much as a clue, it's difficult for the reader to become fully engrossed in the plot.

There were more than a few grammatical/spelling errors littered throughout the chapter, but that's something that can be easily fixed with another proofread and update, so I wouldn't dwell on it too much. If you're interested, you can send me your chapters before you publish them and I can proofread them when I have a spare moment. Be careful to spend a bit more time on detail, for instance, painkillers do not go into effect immediately after swallowing them (okay, they do the video game, but still).

Aside from what I've mentioned above, the main thing I want to focus on is the overall mood and tone of the story. The one quiddity of the Max Payne saga is the gloomy and sadistic narrative and description Max uses to express his thoughts, emotions, and surroundings. He's a very dark person, and that didn't seem to come across at all. Granted, this is your story and your take on how the characters should be portrayed, so perhaps this is just my opinion. But when I read Max Payne stories, that ominous tone is what really makes the authenticity come through.

I wish you all the best in your future writing, and like I said above, I'm open to proofread your chapters and offer some tips if you're interested. You've got a great start here and I haven't seen this plot done before, so I'd really like to see it is prosper.

PS - I laughed out loud when Bob gives Max the file that shows multiple Presidents have been assassinated clean and unexpectedly, and says "My theory is that it was an assassin." Lol.

Best,

Monroe