I am not familiar with either fandom, so my comments here are based purely on the technical side of writing. I found a number of sentences to be very long-winded, and it became confusing in parts. An example includes the line " I got onto my feet on the mattress, several months of Pencak Silat, and then a retrain from Vortex Day, training under my waistband." Splitting this into two distinct sentences would have made it flow better.

When Ari brings out the bomb, I felt that the fear of your characters fell flat. It may very well be because I haven't read the whole thing - and thus am not involved with your characters - but I felt no fear with them. Your job as a writer is to get me as empathetic. Slow down some scenes. Heighten the emotions. Play out the senses. Get me involved in there!

There is a lot of passive wording in here, "slight" being your weakness. Look at your sentences. See if you really need that adverb. "The room itself was slightly lit with the cages." vs. "The room was lit with the cages." The latter works fine. In the same paragraph following this, you introduce a heap of characters! I am thoroughly confused and can say that I no longer remember any of them. Unless you really must show me a character at that point, put it off. Group them. Say "Five characters...". It's easier for the reader to keep track.

Throughout this chapter, I noticed that you distinctly separate dialogue and action. It's perfectly acceptable - indeed preferable - to weave the two together. Don't give us talking heads, keep your characters moving. Pay attention one day to how much you think and move during a conversation. Transfer this into your writing.

Maybe it's because I haven't read enough, but I don't think your character's have a distinct enough voice. If you use different POVs - especially in first person - they each need to be unique. Very unique. So we readers don't go flipping (well, in the case of this, scrolling!) back through the story trying to remember who the heck our current narrator is! It may be very well that I can't tell purely because I need to read more of your story - but keep it in mind as you write.

Despite all of this, your dialogue - and thus story - is engaging. Even though I didn't really know the plot or characters, I could find myself interested in what your main characters were doing. Well done!

Nice, glad to see this story is going on again. :)

Good grief, this took me forever. Sorry! Writing three fics at once is proving to be a challenge for me. 0.0

This is just for chapter one:

You did a much better job of introducing Peter here. Mentioning Jeremie designing a program to get him home let us in on the fact he's not an inhabitant of their world without beating us over the head with it, nicely done. The humor was crazy and slapstick, but I think that fit Cassidy's point of view, considering she was freaking out...and she seems like a pretty hyper (shall we say high-strung?) person anyway. Her antics definitely had me grinning.

The back-and-forth between the characters as they alternate between squabbling and panic is too funny. I like their interactions, especially right in the middle when everyone starts talking at once. It's chaos, but that adds to the urgent feeling of them being chased.

I also liked the little aside where you had Cassidy overhear Sissy's phone call. It was great because it felt very IC for her, told us that Sissy had set her sights on Peter (and that Cassidy's jealous), and that not everyone in the school is being chased by crazy wolfmen. Also I can't believe you shot Jim! The buildup where Cassidy keeps thinking of him as the hero was hilarious, but the ending certainly wasn't. He's...well, Jim. I hope it wasn't fatal. :/

For concrit, I would say to try being more intentional with stringing sentences together. Craft your paragraphs so that one leads naturally into the next. Here they tended to be a little manic-which worked to a degree, because as I said before Cassidy's freaking out and we're seeing it from her point of view, but there were a few places that the jump from subject to subject lost me altogether, and I had to read it twice to figure out what had happened.

I would have liked a little bit more explanation as to why the Erasers were after this particular group of kids...but that's something you can do in later chapters.

Man, what a terrible time to faint! It was an exciting way to end it, though. A perfect cliffhanger to kick off an adventure story. :D

Again, sorry this took so long! I'll get to the other chapters as I can.

-Hj

A revamp? Better than nothing! Looks good! Myra

This is a review for the review game. I like this chapter. It has a lot of tension and you do a good job of building it. This sounds like an exciting story and although I'm not super familiar with the fandom, I might go and read the rest of your story anyway.

Things I would work on are your overuse of dialogue. Dialogue moves the story along, but you're missing a lot of good opportunity for description that would make your story even more engrossing. The extra description would also help to buffer your story a little bit and make it flow better. As stands, it's a little choppy to read, until you get closer to the ending where you gave more detail.

That said, that's the absolutely worse thing I could say about this chapter. It's very exciting and really seems to be going places. I think I may go back to the beginning of the story and read it through completely. Very enjoyable and pretty good work. Keep writing.

Love it boo! :D

This is even better than the original! Looking forward to the next update.