A good concept with a strong conflict that has a lot of potential and that resonates with your readers.

However, your dialogue is out of character and this let's down the story. Vanille and Fang don't talk like that.

Don't get disheartened, though. You've already shown you can do the hard part of story writing and everything is just a matter of refining technique.

Keep at it.

Ganbare

great! i love this story, can't wait for the next chapter.

Pulse99 dude it's fine it's actually kinda nice! In fact I will finish this review using fang and vanille's accent. It's really nice but I wanna see what happen's when little nille's necklace has been seen! I met little vanille lon'g time ago ahh back then she's sucha klutz and yet so cute. When I met fang, I challenged her to a race I got'a beat up from fang her'e in the race got'a pretty bad mark from that day but it healed but I loved it how ya showed vanille's little tragedy so good job and I betta expect some more from ya Kay!? Oh and vanille says hi!

I'm such a lurker...:B

Nice story. Continue writing…

ohh i want to see Fang give Vanille the necklace - this chappie is soo cute!

they made up yeaaaa happy now so sweet :)

ohh my goodness! please let Vanille Live! please!

let her survive pleas this is so cute and sad at the same moment

ah heartbreaking im almost crying

:p

i love this story! really great!

Hello! Just wanted to drop in and give some thoughts. I like the story, I do. But, I'd say just put a little bit more into descriptions of things like location. I had very little idea what was going on in the world beyond the walls of the scene. Also, be wary in using linguistic voice. You're not writing "Huck Finn", and unless it's truly necessary, let us do the accent work in our heads.