A lovely read, and it proves that I definitely need to reread Gakuen Alice again because I'm already forgetting way too many things.

Hello, (Mark of) Athena!

Before anything, I really like that most of your fics are about the side characters, and not just about the mainstream NatsuMikan. I like focusing on the non-mainstream, on the uncommon, and you quenched my craving for those kinds of stories :)

Okaaay, now to the story.

I really like how you never seem to run out of words and phrases to use for a certain scene or for a certain thought, how you can stretch one short scene/thought into a paragraph of sentences without having the statements seem redundant. I really want to write like that sometimes but I am not able to, so I salute you for that. Keep that up. I also like how you played with words. How you used them really captured the dramatic feel of the story.

But at some instances, I slightly cringe at how some of your sentences are structured. For example, "The decision she made then was suicide- that he knew." "that he knew" seems awkward to read. Maybe "he knew that"? I know both phrases mean the same thing, but I think the latter could be understood better. I feel like raising my brow at the story title as well. It seems related only to Mikan's side of the story; I can't pinpoint its relevance to Grandpa and Shiki's points of view.

I hope you don't feel bad, though (it's my first time critiquing so dlkhasdhakljdlak). For a beginner (and for a third year high school student!), you're a very good writer. You have a whole lot ahead of you. I can never question Maria adding you to the Underappreciated Authors doc in AOGA.

Keep writing. I'm looking forward to more of your works. :)

- Christa/Vanilla Secrets

Title was a bit generic, but it fit the story well enough. I think you could find a title that suited it a little better, but it's okay. Summary was fine, but take out the semi-colon. They are not two complete thoughts.

Don't put "one". Just say "He clearly remembers that day." It flows much better, and feels a lot less repetitive. "Silky brown hair' disrupts the flow of your story as well because of where you put it.

"Yet" should be taken out. It's preferable you reword the two sentences, actually. You use unneeded hyphens way too often in them. Commas would suffice. As for the second "yet"... Well, I have no idea why it's there. Like, at all.

...I would like to know who woke up, because you'd think that with Yuka being in the snow and all, she wouldn't be sleeping. But then you say that her amber eyes were something Mikan acquired... So... I'm confused.

After reading the whole thing in Mikan's grandfather's POV, I have to admit that I do like it, however, there are a lot of mistakes. You have quite a few unnecessary words squeezed into some sentences. Your semi-colon was used incorrectly. Some of the descriptions were terribly awkward because of the way they were phrased. For example: "albeit rather painfully and sadly"... Eh? Because of that, the impact on me wasn't as strong as it could have been. I mean, you know, strange woman in pain crying out names, thrusting a baby bundle into your arms... It's a nice way to get some of the waterworks going. But I can't say I felt any. The slight awkwardness struck a wall between me and the story. I think that if you tweaked it a bit it would be a little better. Nonetheless, I liked that last sentence very much. (Even though there are two mistakes in it.)

I'm very happy to say that after reading Shiki's part, though, whatever awkwardness that was in the first part was made up for just a bit. I think that there is still room for improvement, but I actually did feel something in Shiki's part. You portrayed him nicely, and I really liked it. There was the recognition of Yuka's non-existent feelings for him, his obvious admiration of her strength, and in the last part, his opinion up for the world, to her defense. Those were the three reasons I actually felt something. So, perfection there, Athena ;)

As for Mikan's part, remember to state who you're talking about properly in the case of the whole "he or she or she or he or what" case. It's confusing otherwise. Fix that. Also, the repetitive "sometimes" were fine, but I think that after the third, you should've used a different word to start. The fourth line breaks the feeling up a bit, even though all the lines you used were good.

"But then, she's gone. Dead." Awkward phrasing alert! Reword that.

Although Mikan was a little OOC to me, I do like how much she, you know, obviously regrets everything. Haha! Last sentence was nice. Take out that "her mother" stuff, though, and connect the two sentences with a comma. The power of punctuation!

I like that you showed three different POVs, but I think that on some level, they're too different. In some ways, I fail to see how they are exactly relevant, but I guess they're similar enough (topic-wise) to keep.

Anyway, can I just say your formatting is beautiful? 'Cause it is, you know. It's so organized. Thank. The. Lord. Congrats - there weren't many tense mistakes. I did spot a few, but still, hurrah! ;D

All in all, I like the idea of this. Formatting was good, spelling was good, and your tenses were better than usual. Grammar was okay, punctuation needs a recheck, and your sentence construction for this story needs work. But revise it and maybe there's room in my extremely small list of favourites for you somewhere ;) /shotdead

Off to review the next one,

Ariie x

/bottom lip was trembling the whole time *sniff*

(I forgot that the review button is already much more /appealing/ that it was before OTL)

I loved every single line-every single word. From the POV of the grandfather-Shiki-Mikan. Definitely a good piece!

It's also rare (for me) to find someone (who just started /so you say/ writing) who writes using different kinds of sentences-from simple sentences to complex-Yeah, you got it.

At the start of every pov, it confused me on who is who (but maybe that's only because I haven't read the manga for so long orz).

I'm not good with criticizing so I hope this is okay. -bows-

Keep writing! :D

-Black Maya-

aaaaaaawww... that's just sooo touching :')

... i'm sorry for being dramatic, but really, that was some kind of a heartfelt oneshot. Good JOB!

:)

This was beautiful.

Hands down. It truly was. I loved every single line of it, from Mikan's grandfather's part, to Shiki's and to Mikan's.

The way you wrote it makes me feel something for Yuka. Honestly speaking, I had never liked her in the manga. She's a strong character, I know..but I never really liked the fact that she abandoned her only daughter. But after reading this wonderful piece, I sort of forgave Yuka for leaving Mikan. It makes sense, why she did it.

This was a perfect piece for today's occasion :-) I'm sure all mothers around the world would tear up a bit after reading this. It makes you realise how precious and special a mother is and how their love is so important.

Great work! :-D

-Riya