WAR? I AM GOING T YOU

Great chapters! I'm loving this sooooo much!

Please please please please update!

A Linkin Park song? How edgy. It’s also not one of the most overused emo songs out there. We really know how edgy Myra is now. Totally edgy. All she’s missing is the garden shears on her wrists. Mirage is...back at Autobot base? Huh? That’s...strange. Oh, well. More KO torture for the BDSM fans.

We have a discussion of Myra’s past, Mirage’s, and the caste system. It could have been interesting, except neither author knows about any caste system or what effect, positive or negative, it has on a society. Google is your friend. In any case, Myra shows her emo side because every bitch has to have it, and when a character is clearly not worth saving, we tack on the typical excuse that her family’s granddad or something killed a dude in a car with a stick and stole his goat, or some shit. We don’t know. I don’t know, nobody knows. There’s nothing to gleam from this story.

I just finished Chapter Twenty Five. Boy, was it ever disappointing.

I think, my dear, is either that you are trying too hard or are not trying hard enough. Nothing makes sense in this story. Your two OCs need to be gutted and crucified and just about any other torture device I could think of, I’d use on them. Erica can’t stop crying for more than five minutes, gets angry at stupid fucking preps and boys, kisses Bluestreak while drunk (and underage! And under curfew!) and Jack, while crying and wondering why nobody likes her. Jesus, with her attitude she might as well rip out her own vagina with a coat hanger. Her foster father grounds her for good reason, she disobeys him, gets drunk, and does whatever she wants and suffers zero consequences whatsoever. She’s a star athlete and student and yet can’t use common sense. She falls in love with boys she just meets, and doesn’t have an ounce of suspicion to the holoform of Bluestreak who is clearly not a student and who clearly has no student history whatever, and since Erica is a photographer for the school you’d think she’d use her brain once in a while.

But she doesn’t compare to Myra. Oh, how I hate this bitch. This one is mouthy, doesn’t have ANY common sense, and goes drinking and has parties in her parent’s house despite her voicing her hatred of preps and anyone who isn’t her. No wonder she isn’t popular; she isn’t nice at all. In fact, she’s one of those girls in high school that is a wannabe Amazonian warrior that will literally rip your head off if you try to show her kindness because she’s one of those ‘empowered’ women. She also hates her grandparents for being Mussolini supporters/deniers/whatever for whatever reason because you haven’t even bothered to attach backstories to these characters.

Knock Out. Oh, you ruined him as much as slash fangirls do. He’s a subliminal down-low driller in this one, gets beaten up every other day, gets tortured and throttled by Megatron despite the fact that in canon Knock Out is his only medic, an inventor in his own right and a scientist. Knock Out KNOWS he’s in demand; he KNOWS he’s good and that’s why he’s able to be cocky and get away with it. Megatron gets annoyed with him sometimes but Megatron understands KO’s usefulness. KO is also not a down-low driller, either, if you weren’t busy fapping to that.

Shockwave. Seriously? He’s the typical anime psychopathic yandere, even when he isn’t. Like I said before: Shockwave is all about practicality. He has no need for senseless torture when he just does evil things by plugging X into Y and thinking it can be Z. It’s all for science. That’s why he’s so feared and revered.

Lunerbolt. Who is she, again? A robotic Casey Anthony? That’s some research for you to do. Nightraider sounds way more badass, TBH.

Megatron. This male ho can’t get the bitches in line. Throttles people when he doesn’t get his way and acts like an idiot.

Mirage. Whiny emo bitch. Needs to get the pipe out of his ass or GTFO.

Bluestreak. Needs to realize Erica is a dumb blonde and get out of there.

Chance. About the only logical character there, and he’s a dog.

Along with bad writing, you can’t write plots or characters to save your life. I can’t figure this plot out. You can’t use proper literary terms, such as metaphors, similes, imagery, dramatic irony, irony, black comedy, foreshadowing, or tension. It’s all foreign to you despite you taking Creative Writing classes. Your teachers either suck or you can’t learn very well. I blame both.

So, my final verdict is:

Get rid of it. It stinks of mediocrity and needs to go. You need to re-read this, plan out what you want to do, and for the love of God – know your canon! It wouldn’t hurt you to do some research on caste systems, either. God knows the fandom needs to.

It’s not a complete fail, but it could be breezed through without the reader missing much. That’s not what you want. You want readers to stick around and stay there. You, on the other hand, are incapable of attracting attention. It’s not as bad as slash fics, admittedly, but it is still bad.

In case you ever wondered, the 'stupid fucking preps' line is from 'My Immortal'. Myra and Erica do sound like Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way. It's too bad no one is shooting angstily.

Chapter Nineteen/Twenty/Twenty One

-

Were Myra’s great-grandparents supporters of Mussolini? I gathered that from the ‘Things My Ancestors Did 60 Years Ago’ bit. Doesn’t matter. She’s still a mouthy wench with zero personality. Fowler is also aware of these girls and surprisingly wasn’t made aware of them earlier, given the huge police chase and the missing persons report of Erica. She’s also still walking around A-OK and crossing arms over chests like a pro, even though she smashed her knee cap in. Gotta be that magic Stretch Armstrong stuff.

Chapter Twenty was just a flashback because flashbacks are that crucial to getting a point across. Please note the obvious sarcasm.

We know Jazz has a verbal tic. When people write it, it sounds like he has shit in his mouth. Just write it like normal dialogue.

Now we have more Decepticons and some super-dee-duper evil plans. Oh noez. We also have the ‘everyone just knew Breakdown and Knock Out were getting it on’ thing. Right. You even managed to get Dreadwing out of character. He doesn’t much care for sand in his gears unless it interferes with his duties. Other than that, he couldn’t care less about his appearance. Megatron tortures more people for no reason for no reason, Mirage and Knock Out’s relationship get discovered and everyone is metaphorically screwed.

Except that no one cares. You haven’t even bothered exploring any actual concept and just threw everything together expecting it to work. I am here to tell you that it doesn’t. Your attempt at creating tragedy or likable characters has failed. There is no concept of consistency, or anything for that matter. It is boring, overly long and I don’t even think you sat there re-reading this.

Because if this is supposed to be a polished product, I wouldn’t touch it with a high powered hydro-electric laser.

We are getting nearer the end and I’ll give you my final verdict.

Chapters Fifteen/Sixteen/Seventeen/Eighteen

-

Hell, yeah! Interrogations! Except that they do nothing at all to advance the plot! Prime now knows that KO is Mirage’s brother! Oh noez! What will he do now? KO gets tortured by Megatron and still acts like nothing happened! Cue inconsistencies!

Honey, do you even re-read your work?

Mirage back talks Optimus Prime again and Optimus Prime gets all angry. He should. People that mouthy should have their mouths welded shut. Lunarbolt returns and is apparently healthy...BUT THERE’S A TWIST! SHE’S SECRETLY REPROGRAMMED TO INFILTRATE THE AUTOBOTS AND MURDER THEM ALL! WILL LOVE PREVAIL?!

Blah blah, blah-de-de-blah-blah-blah. That’s what your story is. If you can’t summarize your chapters in five sentences, then you can’t make your readers understand their entirety. It’s not that hard.

Erica kisses Jack and makes him feel bad because Reasons. Why is she getting depressed? Because her unstable personality can’t handle loss? Because she can’t make rational decisions and acts dumber than most girls her age? Girl, make up your damn mind. Erica falls in love, doesn’t fall in love, hates someone, doesn’t hate them, and more in the span of a fucking minute. Holy shit. She’s the typical teen romance/adventure heroine in mainstream novels: they’re all equally dumb and shitty. No one can relate to them!

My fucking God. What did you do to Knock Out? He’s being tortured every other chapter and now Shockwave is going to tarnish his finish. Canon. You don’t understand it. My God, I am just amazed at how retarded everyone acts. It’s like they’re willfully stupid or just ridiculously stupid or plain stupid! Who knows!

Myra isn’t faithful to her former boyfriends. Why am I not surprised? She looks, dresses and acts like street trash. Of course she’d have Mirage swear at an innocent blonde girl who doesn’t understand Italian because she’s a prep and we all know how they are.

Bumblebee dies? Oh, we don’t care because he was just a background character. It’s not like his death has any effect on the story because, you know, you have to make the audience care.

Trigger warnings? Oh fucking no, I guess I should shove my offended-ness back in my wounded ego and go away. Not. I am so eager to read about them and give you word for it, though.

Ratchet...is a drinker...what? What. WHAT?! You have got to be kidding me. He can’t drink because he needs to – I don’t know – HEAL PEOPLE. He’s a doctor and the only doctor on the base! If your only doctor is drunk and God forbid someone actually get shot and they’re not there, you are more or less fucked. But what the Hell do you know? Nothing. NOTHING, MY POOR DEAR.

There’s a difference between a miscarriage and murdering your own child. The latter is called infanticide. The former implies there were situations in which the fetus was unable to survive, whether due to injury to the mother or to severe physiological problems. Do not confuse the two. In any case, the would-be emotions in this chapter were...interesting, to say the least. They were so forced that I nearly choked on them, and were so poorly written that I am still wondering WTH is going on here. What, exactly, are you trying to prove?

The Hell do I know. I am so confused by this point.

Chapter Twelve/Thirteen/Fourteen

-

Mirage goes Michael Jackson mode and instead of dangling babies from banisters, he scratches a Prime across the chest. With no punishment.

Yeah, that wouldn’t happen. I suspect this is the DoTM Mirage, given the Italian accent and all? Mirage in that continuity isn’t some outburst-ridden five-year-old. He has more tact and grace and laughs in the face of an enemy in battle. He dances around them and bests them with his skill, because he knows he has it. People like that usually don’t freak out at every moment. As for Lunarbolt, I still don’t know who she is, but as a Brit, she’s entitled to be an opinionated bitch. Right? Right. Who knows who this lassie is.

I thought Myra’s parents were gone for a week. It takes a while to get from Nevada to Florida. Look at a map.

Erica is at the Autobot base, away from home, away from a foster father that clearly was worried about her and grounded her for her own safety. Screw him, then, because these feisty heroines are taking over! Give me a break. You’re also making Miko unbearable for no reason at all other than the fact that you hate her. I don’t care if you do, but you can at least offer some stability to her personality, unlike the PMSing Myra who needs some lye to the face.

Erica in a drunken state – despite being underage – kisses Bluestreak, a character who, not even a chapter earlier, this girl was lamenting about because he lied to her and kidnapped her. She has amazing memory and forgiveness skills just to pass that on by. Realistically, if Erica’s character is to ever be examined in proper context, she’s reserved about her life because she doesn’t know who is going to give her up, or give up on her. She doesn’t pursue her dreams because of this emotional detachment and struggles to find a niche to hold on to. She does find some comfort in the foster family she is in and wishes some day to meet the now drunk mother that gave her up, despite her never mentioning her mother being an alcoholic.

Now had you even been consistent with your own character, you’d realize the shortcomings and actually build on what you had. You don’t, and instead shove these ridiculous things in chutes that are stuffed to the brim with nonsensical nonsense. Myra’s character is even worse. Her parents are Italians, she’s a star athlete, and is mouthy because...because she’s Italian? That doesn’t make sense and can be considered an offensive stereotype to some. But since I’m not a person easily offended, I can ignore this, but still. If you’re going to use stereotypes you need to use them in the proper context; ergo, put them in a situation that actually works. Here, Myra just stuffs her face full of pasta and pizza and offers to beat up people and those stupid fucking preps at school. She sounds like one of those reclusive, testosterone ridden butches that are secret lesbians. Who knows? Maybe she likes the strap-ons.

How much did Erica have to drink? Rum in fruit cocktails only has about an average alcohol content of 12-13%, depending on how it is mixed and what parts sweet and sour it is mixed in. If Erica had anything to eat, or drank water in between, she may be buzzed, but she’d still be aware of her surroundings. We don’t know how much she drank, if she drank at all, and whether she drank it without stopping for food or water. The fact is: you know NOTHING about alcoholic beverages. Teenagers shouldn’t be having alcohol that is 90% proof! That is lethal, man.

So Lunarbolt and Soundwave were hitched? If Lunarbolt was walking through the forest, she should’ve noticed that any animal would have been silent at the presence of an intruder. No matter how silent someone may be, the surroundings can’t be silenced. Insects quiet before a storm, birds stop singing and animals run for shelter. Lunarbolt isn’t that perceptive. We also have the prankster Twins – not a cliché – and we have more of Myra and Erica. I still do not understand why the Autobots were so willing to accept them under their roof so quickly without, you know, finding out what their motives were. Ever heard of investigative reporting?

Shockwave is not sociopathic. He is neurotypical. He’s just devoid of basic emotions. He still feels them, but he largely sees them as hindrance to his work. That’s why he’s such a coveted scientist. As for Lunarbolt, what does her standing mean? If she’s high caste, then automatically all of the Decepticons, aside from newly minted Vehicons, are going to hate her. Her acting conceited is just digging her own grave. And, of course, we have the Almost Raped sentiment.

Honestly? The name Nightraider sounds way more badass and her background of luring victims to their graves while being born in the Kaon pits sounds way more interesting than what she is now. Why not stick with that? Apparently, she went from lowest caste ever to high caste and took the Britishness with her. The entire background and dialogue between her and Megatron is so clichéd I wonder if I haven’t seen it before – oh, right, I have. Megatron, being the awesome pimp that he is, can’t help it with the ladies. I bet Lunarbolt really LOVED the D – of D-16. LOL.

I gotta say the torture scene was popcorn worthy. But not really. It was your typical of the mill torture scene, except that it doesn’t work because we have no idea who Lunarbolt is, so we, the audience, is emotionally detached from her, and Shockwave is being a nutjob for no reason. Again, he’s just batshit crazy. He’s very competent, and that is what is scary about him. Mirage also loses his bolts over Sunstreaker’s accusation that he killed Jazz, and again, nobody cares because you haven’t bothered to make us care. You just think slapping pieces together without bridging them together is going to get you the story you want. It doesn’t work that way. Everything needs a purpose, and everyone has to have a purpose for that purpose. Otherwise, they’re mindless zombies in an overly complicated or silly simple plot that shouldn’t pass the beta test.

So far I am skimming through this because I am so used to stories like these I already know what’s going to happen before it happens. It’s not that hard. One of the rules of writing is to never be predictable. That’s how you earn your audience. Perhaps you should have learned the ropes by yourself, aye?

Chapter Nine/Ten/Eleven

-

The Preppers start talking again in their unfunny dialogue, Bluestreak leaves them on the couch in public view for all to see instead of dropping them off at another secluded location (which is the smart thing to do) and the girls wonder why eight alien robots are staring at them. I am wondering why they’re even accepting them. I suppose you’ve never heard of liabilities. All of the Autobots laugh at Myra’s jokes when they really are not that funny to begin with. I’d put The Bridle on that bitch and that, my dear, would be funny.

Blah blah blah, police chases, unfunny dialogue, more useless crap...blah blah blah. I’m not believing any of this. No wonder slash fangirls are so cocky. With people like you to compare to, why wouldn’t they be?

Myra dresses like a bum because she’s not like those stupid preps. She’s so awesome because LOLOL LOOK AT ME I IZ ITALIAN! Oh, shut up. She’s a mouthpiece who think she’s not a prep but has less emotion and personality than the ones mentioned in this story.

“He had a lot of wrinkles which meant he smiled a lot” – Wat. Wrinkles don’t always mean you laugh a lot; it means you’re getting old.

Myra’s parents are also strangely forgiving of their daughter going missing for an entire night and no one there to tell them what happened. They must be neglectful parents or they honestly don’t give a shit. They also conveniently go on vacation leaving the house empty so Myra can go raging Italian because she can. There still isn’t an explanation of why these girls are so trusting or so believing, or even what they do in their free time, because the authoresses didn’t bother to go in depth with them. You just threw in caricatures of yourselves and thought everyone else would share your sense of humour. Surprise, surprise! No one does, because not all of us are as immature as you.

Erica is also running around no problem despite having to wear a knee brace. Knee injuries don’t heal overnight, you know. But screw continuity!

Also screw her worried cop dad! She can go to parties as much as she wants! She also has a feminine figure despite being a varsity basketball player! Sorry, but do you even realize what those girls look like? They’re hardly feminine. The testosterone makes them look like men. Their breasts are smaller, they have bigger muscles, and their faces look like a man’s. There are a few exceptions, but given Erica’s appearance, she’s this dainty, feminine girl who wears dresses, disobeys her foster father after going missing for ten minutes to a full day (yes, her father would totally let her out like that) and she goes out and parties with a bad knee that heals in five minutes. Makes absolute sense!

“You hunt, do archery, and can apparently talk down a highly intelligent, sass speaking, twenty foot robot” – Myra dresses like a Vegas prostitute that came out of a crack house and she does archery and hunting. What does she hunt out in Nevada? Rattlesnakes? I don’t know because you haven’t damn well answered! Plus, having a huge party ONE DAY after your alien encounter really, really stretches the parameters. They are also suddenly forgiving of those stupid fucking preps. Miko also texts everyone to go to the party despite neither girl knowing anyone in the school. Hell, even Miko and the gang are close only to themselves, because adding more people into the circle arouses suspicion. But hey, that’s logic. We don’t need no stinking logic.

Why are they having a fully party with sophomores? You do realize those kids like to party with LSD and beer, right? You also can’t expect me to believe nobody is going to report a whole house party with tons of kids and cars and unimaginable amounts of liquor. This is not Superbad. Oh, wait. The sirens come at the end. Perfect.

Miko started this entire party and the cops showed up. That’s ridiculously dumb, even for Miko’s part. I just see her as a girl that wants to party with people she knows – after all, she IS an exchange student. She’s not going to throw this huge party with Autobots and while knowing that
Erica and Myra were recently endangered due to Mirage and Bluestreak’s actions. You’d think everyone would have a contingency plan, but no. Myra just whines in the backseat, trying to be a badass, when all she really needs is a roll of duct tape around the mouth. These characters all have shouting matches for no reason and it gets boring really quick. It makes me want to click the ‘delete’ button, if there was one for story chapters. I will say it now that Erica and Myra are unrelenting fools, who don’t even act like normal teenagers. They –literally- have no sense of right or wrong and can’t remember what they did five minutes earlier. Fact is, I haven’t seen such sloppy wannabe romance writing since Smeyer. Oh, yeah, I went there. Guess your Creative Writing teacher didn’t give you the rundown, aye?

The nobles of Cybertron were divided in their allegiances during the war. Some did, in fact, go to the Decepticons, and others were slaughtered during the uprising. Some committed suicide, and others went into hiding. Barricade’s speech and all that doesn’t move me. The dialogue is forced, cheesy, and is ripped out of some badly dubbed anime. Mirage, based on the way he’s acting, is not a competent fighter and can’t think ahead for more than five minutes, and Barricade surprisingly is docile. He’s a ruthless enforcer who likes to tear the throats out of people, and if Myra and Erica and the others are all idling around, rest assured Barricade would just scoop them up and take off with them, torturing them or ditching them at 200 mph. You never know. Barricade is an interesting character. Not here, apparently.

Uh-oh. We have some ‘Your Momma’ insults. Seriously? Seriously...? Seriously.

Chapter Six/ Seven/Eight

-

Ah, copyrighted song lyrics to show how much Erica is a Taylor Swift. If her music is blaring so loud and she’s dancing around the kitchen from her iHome (srs) how can she hear the microwave or her phone ‘ding’? If she sucks that much at pasta – which is one of the easiest things to make – maybe she should be paying attention to her cooking rather than dancing around like an idiot. Also: unsafe to have pets in the kitchen. Their hair gets in the food and all.

OMG MYRA SO ITALIAN SHE HAS TO HELP WITH PASTA, AREN’T I FUNNY TEE HEE?!

Girls really do like to write pages and pages about clothes and think people give a shit. Anyone wearing Converse needs some buckshot, just saying. Bad fashion taste.

Erica barely knows Bluestreak and he’s already giving her flowers. She’s also the flattest wench I’ve read recently. Myra is worse, though, because the authors honestly think she’s cool. She’s also showing him her house, her room, her belongings, what have you. She barely knows the guy! Not to mention Bluestreak voices how Erica wants to be an actress, even though she admitted to him in the previous chapter that she wanted to do it but didn’t have the courage or the talent. Erica’s not even consistent with herself. She starts crying when Bluestreak rummages around in her room and steals her flash drive. I don’t know about you, but I’d be suspicious of letting a guy linger that long in my room. Don’t want him sniffing the panties or anything. Erica shouldn’t be shocked, but she is, because apparently badass chicks are so dumb not to properly read people. It must be those stupid fucking preps.

There are descriptions of Chance the Dog that I’m beginning to see him as the Brian of the story, in which his voice doesn’t matter and shouldn’t be there. Erica’s still crying over Bluestreak despite her not even knowing him or even building a proper relationship with him (you know, like how all relationships start) and she didn’t even strike up a long, detailed conversation with him. You can’t mourn, pity, or be sad about something or someone you don’t know.

Landing on your knee after being knocked into full force, especially in basketball, WILL cause bruising. The area will be red immediately and if the knee cap is busted, you won’t be able to put any weight on it. Why does June have a knee brace, again? Oh, right, convenience. Myra also runs her mouth again like a stereotypical Italian; an Ezio Auditore on steroids and not even half as cool. Erica also screams how nobody likes her and they have these OMG SO TOUGH expectations on her, though the readers wouldn’t know that because the author is too damn lazy to write how much people expect of her. All I can say is: bitch deserves it for being so stupid. She screams, she wails, she whines and rolls her eyes and that’s it. She has no personality. She’s the stereotypical ‘I have no parents’ cliché that should be in Naruto. She shouldn’t be bitching to Bluestreak because if she wasn’t like those stupid fucking preps, she’d have a thing called common sense.

Bluestreak now kidnaps Erica and cue the Decepticons. Except Erica really doesn’t have any dirt on any Cybertronian. She’s just an amateur photographer that the audience doesn’t care or know about. If you mean to tell me she couldn’t hear Bluestreak approaching or the Vehicons prowling around, she must be deaf, blind, dumb or just retarded. An empty street, in the middle of the night? Sound echoes. But fuck logic. Myra is also jogging by herself in the middle of the night for God knows why but hey, fuck logic. Bluestreak is also going to tell them all about his history because who needs build up, right? Fuck logic!

Mirage goes full emo mode with Ratchet, complaining how KO is his older bro and how he won’t put out. Shockwave does some shooting angstily and his best Moronic Idiots impression. No one cares.
They’ve been gone ten minutes? That’s...hardly a cause to alert an Amber Alert. An hour? You brush it off. Ten hours? You grow concerned. A day? Worry sets in. After 48 hours do you have the time to issue a Missing Persons Report, sooner if the missing involved are underage. Since these girls are teenagers, you have to wait a few hours before calling in the cops. It’s clear you didn’t bother to do your research. Yes, they're still considered kids, but they are still teenagers. They at least could have left a text message to Erica's foster father telling him they're alright.

It’s hardly believable that both girls would believe Bluestreak’s story so easily. Both of them are not having panic attacks; both of them are not exhibiting normal human reactions, mainly: a) freaking the absolute fuck out; b) fainting; c) pissing themselves, or d) attempt suicide. Depends on who you ask. However, I assume everyone is an idiot and are that gullible to believe everything everyone says. Erica is just that. She’s incapable of thinking for herself and Myra is just a mouthy Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way that doesn’t have enough black.

Sorry, who are these people again? I don’t recall ANY EXPOSITION OR BUILD UP TO THE MAIN ENCOUNTER.

Egaz. Some people really are that dense.

Chapter Five

-

It can’t be! Oh, it can’t be! THE HORROR! OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

You write KO smirking more than five times. Get a damn thesaurus. Everyone rolls their eyes, crosses their arms over their chests, or has some emotionally scarring background because OMG so edgy! Good God. The villainy is worse than that of Disney. KO is evil because Reasons. He has more PMSing syndrome than a woman has; he gets angry one moment, takes it back and laughs calmly, crosses his arms over his chest, what have you. You obviously don’t know how body language works. Someone easily angered usually stays angry. Someone who is naturally cocky may know how to keep their anger in check, or at least use it to their advantage. Of course sine KO and Mirage are brothers – for some reason not explained – it makes it edgier and therefore, the audience should give two shits more.

It’s too bad I don’t.

“At least you don’t have to be Megatron’s punching bag” – Again, OOC for KO. He’s arrogant and intelligent, and Megatron’s not dumb enough to kill him at the whim of a threat. He is aware KO is the way he is, but more or less expects KO to be reasonable so he can keep a scientist/doctor/technician on board, when they are sorely lacking. Sure, KO is no Shockwave, but Shockwave is older than KO, with more experience, and less inclinations to be swayed by trivial matters.

Jesus Christ. What did you do to Shockwave? You turned him from competent and scary-ass scientist into some cackling, ‘Look-at-me-I’m-evil’ archetype that made me pause and wonder whether this was actually fucking happening. It was.

Knock Out also has some feels for Mirage, but I honestly don’t care because the dialogue and the attempted story line are so bad that it makes me wonder why you didn’t try to bring in Jaden Smith to narrate it. It has as much feeling as ‘After Earth’. You mean to tell me both KO’s and Mirage’s proximity sensors didn’t detect Shockwave approaching? Or hear him? Or see him? Where is this gigantic forest in Nevada in a place that has no forests? Nevada is dry. There is more vegetation to the north, or in places where the jetstream comes in, but otherwise? Dry as Hell. You didn’t even bother to do basic research for climate and weather conditions. Pathetic.

Cybertronians do not require oxygen, therefore, crushing their necks won’t cut off their oxygen supply. It can, however, cut off their Energon supply, as there are vital cables in the neck. KO’s morality is laughably bad, because I would expect someone like him to see Shockwave and know that he is outmatched. Shockwave is an accomplished warrior, as is KO, but they have their own systems of fighting. I don’t know why Shockwave thinks he’s going to send a message to anyone by punishing KO, because honestly, nothing has happened to make Shockwave reach those sorts of conclusions. Mirage is looking for Myra, who has pictures of him and who is friends with a friend with a flashdrive with compromising photos (again, makes me wonder why they didn’t just send out a signal to wipe the drive clean) who is supposed to capture Myra (for reasons no one knows) and who has a terrible, no-good, very bad history with his long-lost brother Knock Out, when these characters are so unlike each other that aside from their colour schemes there’s nothing relatable to them.

Your writing teacher should have taught you that if you aren’t able to create compelling plots or write good characters than your work is as good as dead. You won’t get any good criticism on AO3, but I’m here to give it to you.

“That was the fabled Shockwave” – It’s virtually impossible for any Cybertronian from the War not to know who Shockwave is. He’s that infamous. He’s also appeared in quite a few fights, as well, if he needs to. As for the torture scene involving KO, again, Megatron is cold and cruel, but not that cruel. KO also is good with words and he’d find a way to worm out of the situation. Unlike Starscream KO has more concrete loyalties – no matter how selfish they may be.

For the third time, KO is also a gifted medic and inventor, so along with Shockwave, he is desperately needed on the Nemesis, else in canon Megatron would have killed him for meddling with human affairs such as street races and would not have allowed KO to avenge Breakdown. Torture is only good when you are getting information out of someone for a concrete purpose; otherwise, it’s just a useless tool to invoke pity in readers.

Wait a second. You wrote Myra moving Mirage to HER garage, and now he’s in Miko’s? Huh? Did you even proofread for consistency? How’d he travel the many-unknown-miles to get from Point A to B without being caught? I guess he stole a warping device from Shockwave, or something.

The flashback scene was your typical ‘Here let me explain to you how horrible the past is through italics’ cliché. KO was part of a noble caste (okay?) and his parents got murdered and he has to look out for his little brother. The Insecticons go full evil retard. The Insecticons were employed when Megatron had full control of the Decepticon forces, because they allied themselves with him.

They are a Hive Mind and can be controlled. Once they find a master – Queen, King, what have you – that they admire, they will swear fealty to that individual. Hardshell was a good example of this. Of course, canonical facts and just facts in general don’t matter to you, because everything here is either a steaming pile of shit or a cliché that should have been killed years ago.

Inb4 Miko is a bitch.

Chapter Four

-

Who is this Lunarbolt chick? Aside from her being the waifu of Optimus Prime, she really has no right to be there. All I get is that she’s supposed to be a strong female character and wannabe badass, like the other two chicks that can’t stop running their mouths for more than five minutes. The dialogue is bad, almost laughably bad, and the story line is childish and inane. I’m not sure what your goal was with this fic, but in any case, it is poorly written. I skimmed ahead and saw what you did to Knock Out’s character – pure blasphemy. I shall also discuss that.

How come the Autobots DON’T know Shockwave is with Megatron? Shockwave is one of his most loyal and effective lieutenants. Damn right they should be expecting trouble.

Ah, yes, the Twins come along with their prank wars. You know, I see this trope used so often that it’s become tiresome to read. I assume it’s going to bring in the ‘laughs’ that are truly not funny. I also notice that you make Miko an absolute brat to be around, which speaks more on the author’s part rather than stay true to the character. She’s a kid. She’s a foreigner. She just came from Japan, world of giant mecha robot anime and vending machines where you can buy underwear, and suddenly she comes to America and sees actual giant robots. Why wouldn’t she be excited? She’s not that much of a stain; she does have a degree of courage and dedication to her comrades. Later on you make her so unrealistically bitchy that it looks like she aged fifteen years rather than be the 13-year-old that she is.

What, exactly, is Shockwave doing that has to be stopped? You didn’t answer. I assume that it’s some evil plot that involves mutating robots and humans, or something of the sort. If you are going to introduce a Big Bad, they need to have a reason to be there and serve as an actual antagonist. You just can’t write ‘this guy is bad’ and keep telling the audience that he is without showing us how he is. Ever heard of ‘show, not tell’? Shockwave, especially in TFP, isn’t much of a ‘mad scientist’, either. He’s scary because he’s so ruthlessly effective. He has no care for the emotional struggles of his subjects, just whether or not they’ll fit into his theories. He does everything in the name of fact and logic. So he’s definitely not mad in that case.

So...Mirage and Knock Out are brothers? What a twist! It’s a shame that even this brief mention of the latter completely destroys his character. Knock Out is vain, cocky, and sly, which doesn’t imply that he’s psychologically broken. In fact, it’s the opposite. He knows he’s good and knows how to play his cards. When Starscream threatened him in ‘Speed Metal’, KO had the cockiest, ‘What are you going to do?’ look on his face, which of course was wiped off when Starscream scratched his paint. If KO was that badly beaten and broken by Megatron, then he wouldn’t be that cocky and certainly wouldn’t be around anyone. Megatron may not have time for his antics, but he still needs and respects him for his medical and scientific skill. KO is an inventor too, you know. You need them in times of war.

I’m going to be honest with you: I cannot stand Myra. She rolls her eyes more than a cookie gets beaten in a mixer bowl, and she thinks she’s so much better than the other girls just because she’s a wannabe badass bitch. But that’s what she is: a bitch. If that was intentional I could understand, because that’s what you’re aiming for, but when you’re trying to make them the stars of the show while hiding under the illusion that they are ‘strong’, well then, it’s safe to say you have damn well failed.

“Italian spy”? Cybertronians do not have human ethnicities. This is the one from DoTM right?

Prowl and Jazz...sired Bluestreak? Wow, didn’t know he was a butt-baby. Makes me glad they’re dead now.

Funny how you mention being such a stickler for grammar and punctuation, yet I see tons of errors.

When you write dialogue, you don’t add commas. Here’s an example:

“Alright everyone hit the showers and go home.”

Needs to be:

“Alright, everyone. Hit the showers and go home.”

Among other things. Perhaps your co-author needs some lessons in writing proper dialogue that doesn’t sound like a feminist banged her drum.

Chapter Two

-

Erica is a member of the Varsity basketball team, and is being interviewed for no reason other than her being a member of the team. If you had attached importance to this event and actually built up this character, it’d make it matter, but it doesn’t. The bulk of this chapter was just this chick getting dressed and picking out her clothes. We don’t care. It’s what Tara Gilebsie did with ‘My Immortal’. Is Erica Ebony? Sounds like it.

Her foster parents clearly have wealth, sending their foster daughter to ballet and her quitting shortly thereafter. We don’t have much of an explanation for both of these things, either. I get that’s she happy to finally find a foster home, but it’s not that easy. We don’t know how long she’s been with these people or what she honestly feels about life in general, but all we get is that she’s a bubbly photographer and basketball player that have a lot of time on her hands.

Bluestreak is standing at the front of the class, sits down, and is asked to come up to the front to introduce himself. Why didn’t the teacher just keep him up there? It would’ve been easier.

Of course Erica has to be One of Those Girls That’s Not Like The Other Girls clichés. How is she different from the other girls? She blushed at the boy, notices the blue streak in his hair twice, and when she’s not playing the pity card, she’s smirking at how much better she is than everyone else. What a bitch. Plus, car engines are hot. She’d be burning her hand if she were touching it.
And we have the ‘most men can’t keep it in their pants’ cliché. Yes, yes, we know Myra and Erica are just so much better because they’re not /those/ types of girls, but they’re still bitches that whine because boys don’t flock to them.

Chapter three will be combined with this review because the chapters are short enough.

Myra is not an interesting character. She’s the Spanish Spitfire cliché, and even then, doesn’t have any notable traits. If Bluestreak has to steal the flashdrive from Erica, why didn’t he just sneak into her house when she wasn’t home and take it then? He could have used a sedative on the dog and saved time and money. Oh, yeah. I forgot. We needed the cheesy romance.

Erica also just met Bluestreak, and already she’s falling head over heels for him. If she has any trust issues, especially since she’s adopted, why doesn’t that come into play? We have that ‘Be Yourself’ Disney schtick and it really, really seems forced. They’re in the auditorium for minutes that are not named (lunch is what? Twenty minutes?) Erica gets a pat on the back for her moody behaviour (Mommy doesn’t love me) and she outright says to Bluestreak: “You just met me.” Sorry. I’m not going to tell someone my life’s story, even if I just met them and they seem the nicest person in the world. It’s called building up trust.

I can breeze through these chapters, thankfully. Unfortunately for you, there’s not much worth saving.

Chapter One

-

I found this story on AO3, discovered that you had an FFnet account and decided to review it. You are asking for reviews, are a writer-in-training, and are looking for some advice. Well, it is my utmost pleasure to give it to you.

But first we need to start with the slash, including the one between Breakdown and Knock Out. I have forayed too far into this story yet, but when I find it, you’ll hear from me. The second is your overtly feminist tones, including female characters that are supposed to be ‘badass’. I shall be the judge of that.

Right off the bat we have a description of a robin mother feeding her babies, which has no relation to the paragraph next to it. I assume you did not learn that paragraphs are to be ordered and each a set of new ideas. One needs to flow into the other in a logical fashion. If you fail to do that, the reader is left scratching their heads. Ah, yes, the girl is taking pictures. There is a description of her clothes (we don’t care) and two months left before school is out, in the middle of spring. School semesters end differently in different countries, so a brief ‘the school year would end in X, because we are Y’ would help. The description of the Cobra being alone is somehow suspicious to the character, but it doesn’t seem to be that way because the author has not shown how it is. She just says it.

A bicycle driving past a person without them hearing it is unrealistic. If Erica knows how to handle a camera, she should know that distractions need to fade into the background. A skilled cameraman or photographer knows how to drown out background noise. As for Myra, she honestly sounds like the mouthy feminist-Sue that I encounter often from writers that want to create strong female characters and end up falling right on their ass. The syntax itself is simple, which isn’t bad by itself but is not stylish. Now I often come to see many writers trying to be stylish when they are not, so in this case it’s a case of too much simplicity – and mouthiness.

Wait a moment. Erica’s getting cold in Nevada? Do you know what the average temperature is over there?

Southern Nevada

Average annual temperatures

High FLow FPlaceHigh CLow C
7759Boulder City2515
8657Callville Bay, Lake Mead3014
8059Las Vegas
2715
8760Laughlin3116
8256North Las Vegas2813
7448Red Rock Canyon State Park23 9
8158Valley of Fire State Park2715

Reno Area

Average temperatures for the year

High FLow FPlaceHigh CLow C
6636Carson City19 2
7042Hawthorne21 5
6840Reno
20 4
6040Virginia City16 4

Central Nevada

Average yearly temperatures

High FLow FPlaceHigh CLow C
7138Caliente22 3
6129Ely16 -2
5933Eureka15 1
5936Great Basin National Park15 2
6524Spring Valley State Park18 -4
6737Tonopah19 3

Northern Nevada

Annual average temperature

High FLow FPlaceHigh CLow C
6231Elko17 0
6025Mountain City15 -4
6032Ruby Lake16 0
6933Rye Patch Reservoir Dam20 0
6633Winnemucca19 0

Courtesy of the National Climate Centre. Where I come from, Canada, none of those temperatures are that cold. If you ARE in the desert, however, the actual desert, then we have actual temperature fluctuations. We’re not in northern Nevada; at least, you haven’t written that we are.

It’s also not smart to let your dog run home alone, no matter how trained it is. A car can easily hit and kill it. Or rattlesnakes. There are always those.

Erica’s father is dead and she’s a foster kid, though I don’t really care because you haven’t made me care. So far, she’s just flat. Myra just sounds like the wannabe badass that doesn’t have anything to show for it. This is the first chapter, it’s short, thank goodness, but we’ve got a ways to go. Let’s see what we find.

Your writing is great! Very vivid characters. I'm not really in your fandom, but I still love the story. 3, Aly.

Gah! Where is the next chapter? It can't end here for me! Ugh this was such a great read so far. I'm really, really stoked for the next chapter! Will be keeping my eyes peeled!