becha itll end badly

lol i love it definitely the ending

That's a spider - ;-;

Alright, I suppose my last review were a little harsh. This story is alright, but it’s lacking.
Let me point out the good first:
isn’t incredibly beautiful, and you didn’t describe her so we’d think so.
and Peter’s rocky relationship. I enjoy reading about an OC who doesn’t get along with their love interest at first. It’s more realistic, and the readers can relate to it easier.
fact that you didn’t make any cliché second prophecy about Peter and his Twu Wuv. You kept it to the books, and you gave Luna a purpose to be in Narnia so that she wasn’t just randomly there.
having a temper and being argumentative is a good thing. It shows she has flaws that she must overcome.
loves Peter for legitimate reasons, not just because he’s OMG!Hot.
6.I liked that you had her get turned to stone (maybe not the way you did it, but that you did it).
However, there were a many things that I didn’t like while reading this story. Most of them involved your character, while others involved your portrayal of the other characters.
First, let me talk about Luna:
name Luna, though it is pretty, does not fit nicely to the 1940s of which she would have existed. Luna is a very uncommon name, one that is unlikely to be given to a baby, especially during those times.
going to Lucy with Narnia the first time. When an OC does that, it sends off major Mary Sue signals, despite who your character is.
3.I feel like you didn’t tell us enough about Luna’s family life. I couldn’t tell if she was Professor Kirke’s adopted granddaughter or biological granddaughter. I wasn’t sure if she was Narnian or British. I wasn’t sure if James Kirkwall was Narnian or British. If he was Narnian, how did he get Luna to England? If he was British, how did he get to Narnia? I was left severely unsatisfied in that area.
me, it seems like Luna can get away with saying whatever she wants to anybody she wants. And no one questions her. She’s yelled at both Peter and Edmund at least twice, with no repercussions, no real fighting back. She always has the last word.
5.(I know I reviewed about this before, but I’ll elaborate) Luna’s gift with a sword and shield. First, the shield was identical to Peter’s. You should give Luna her own original shield design, if you are going to give her a shield at all. Second, although she received them, she didn’t use her weapons. It’s like she just got them to have, and not to use. Her necklace was a good gift, as it had meaning to her personally. But a sword and shield serve no real meaning other than to make her look cool and defy what women were like in those days. Women were not meant to be in the frontline of battles. Even when they are older, Queen Lucy is only allowed to be with the archers. Your character should not be an exception.
getting stabbed instead of Edmund. This is a MAJOR Canon fraud, as Edmund gets stabbed in both the book and the movie. Having your OC take his place is very unsettling for a reader.
All in all, I feel like Luna is a Mary Sue. She may have flaws, but she breaks major Canon rules and never faces repercussions.
Now, here are some things I noticed with the story itself:
first time Lucy and Luna go to Narnia, you have Susan and Peter talk with the Professor. That talk normally takes place after Edmund and Lucy go to Narnia, but if you have it taking place that early, than Lucy wouldn’t go to Narnia a second time, Edmund wouldn’t have went at all, and Edmund wouldn’t have betrayed his family. The part where Peter calls Edmund a “little lire” would not happen, because what’s Edmund lying about? You omitted the part where Edmund denies going to Narnia entirely. But getting rid of the scene where Edmund and Lucy go to Narnia, you are implying that Edmund never met the White Witch, never ate the Turkish, and never agreed to meet her. Delight Am I making sense?
you made Luna say something like “Don’t touch my book” I found that to be very annoying. You got that from Austin and Ally, didn’t you?
point of views can be a good thing, if you know what to do. You have to put yourself in their shoes, write what they would be thinking in a situation, and not what you want them to think. There were certain times when I cringed at some of the things you had your Peter think.
the song “Breakeven” in either the first or second chapter (can’t remember which, sorry!). That song was written in 2008. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe takes place in year 1940. Obviously, nobody would have heard of that song yet.
write “haha” a lot after a phrase that is supposed to be funny. I would not recommend doing that, considering it distracts from the actual humour of the phrase and makes the reader think you are writing in ch4tsp34k.
issues (wrong uses of there, their, and they’re, among other things), spelling mistakes (“you little lire” should be “liar”), and other small, Canonical issues that annoy some readers on end. For me personally, a story not written in proper grammar is not a story worth reading.
Now, I’ve told you the bad, and hopefully you’ve seen it. Let’s talk about what you can do to fix it:
Luna’s character. Write a list of her good qualities and her bad qualities. Balance out her good and bad; make her believable. A liable relatable character is a likable character, so try to make her as realistic as possible. Use a friend who’s personality you feel is similar to how you want Luna’s to be and use her as a model for creating you character.
into the Golden Age a few chapters and talk about Luna and Peter’s relationship when they’re older. Tell us how they became engaged. Describe their wedding. Did they want children? Did they fight like they always have? Tell us more!
’s good at music, right? Elaborate on that! Don’t just make it some pointless skill that Luna has. Maybe make her write a song for Peter in the Golden Age. Make her gift from Father Christmas be something that has to do with music, like receiving an enchanted lyre or a song book that never fills up.
up with original line for Luna that doesn’t involve her flipping out. When you steal a character’s line, you just piss off the readers.
the story to first person point of view, and only alternate between Luna and Peter. If this is a Peter/OC love story, than who cares what Edmund was thinking?
more detail when you describe things. It’s easy to say what your character is seeing, but what about what they see, smell, feel, and hear? Imagine you are blindfolded and walking on a beach near Cair Paravel. How would describe the experience? Use things like that as your guide.
the books! They are more inspirational than any of the movies combined, and they make for such a wonderful read. You’ll meet new characters, discover more plots, and ultimately improve your writing.
I sincerely hope you take my advice, or at least consider it for future fanfics. If you have any question about character creating or any other story advice, please do message me!
x Queen Angie (not a professional, but good judge of stories)

Wait...so she was stabbed instead of Edmund? :/

There is a reason that the girls didn't recieve swords from Father Christmas, you know. It's because in those times, women wern't meant to fight.
But I suppose Mary Sues are generally an exception.

This story is cool and great!

Only four chapters in and really enjoying it! A lovely take on such a beautiful story :)

Good thirteen chapters. Perhaps a really great story

Read all of the last 3 chapters. Nice end but they are children again poor Peter and Luna.

Good story.

lovely

Aw man, it's all over! Grr. But I still loved it and that Peter/Luna moment was beyond adorable! Great ending :) x

will you write a squel

First of all, I could have killed you for chapter 11. But it's all ok. Second of all, this story is great and I'm so happy to see Peter and Luna happy. And not dead, which is also a bonus. Can't wait for the next one! :) x

update asap