u got me laughing at the GameWhale move. The gold old GameShark... good memories of it.

Can u continue this story? I am really into it. keep up the good work

Can't wait for the main story to update. It's a really good fic

You sir, are amazing (or is it madam the sir tgings an assumption)
This fanfic so far has bren a great mix between srriius and comedic as well as having lengthy chaoters. Im glad people like you put in work like this. *sorry for the horrendous spelling thats what tiny phones do

HOLY ACID TRIP! Welcome back, good sir! It's been a while since I've read this fic.

Good job on the update. It really shows that you still intend to continue this fic.

Keep up the good work.

REON-4213? I see you've played the Surge Concerto series.

HOLY HELL HE'S BACK! AND IN GREAT FASHION AS WELL! In all seriousness I remember myself lurking this fanfiction. Seeing you update this just left me gaping, like honestly. Can't wait for more!

Love the story are you gonna continue

please update Inwant to see the ending of this story

Man, you need to update this quick, the entire story is a real blast and i like to humor, but now that i know lyrica (aka 5pb) is codes relative, I WANT TO KNOW!

Epic story bro.

41,000 words… are you KIDDING ME?!

*Once she's done complaining, IF lashes out with her claw at the Nork. Tearing a wound in it, the green creature fights back, mumbling something incomprehensable while it lashes out with it's spear. It nails IF in the knee, but she's quick to fight back. With Nepgear launching misaimed bolts of plasma, the creature was forced to stay still and try to beat back IF. It's crude spear was no match for IF's claws. She ripped the spear out of it's hand and finished it off. The body of the Nork just disappeared into thin air, just as all bodies do in RPGs.* Mind the tense here. Also, It's is a contraction for it is or it has. Its is a possessive pronoun meaning, more or less, of it or belonging to it. If you can replace it[']s in your sentence with it is or it has, then your word is it's; otherwise, your word is its. Its is the neuter version of his and her. Try plugging her into your sentence where you think its belongs. If the sentence still works grammatically (if not logically) then your word is indeed its.

*"It's advanced!" Compa tried to reinstate the awe-inspiring power of medical technology.* You don’t need to add on ‘tried to reinstate the awe-inspiring power of medical technology’.

Bur Zerch… now THAT is brilliant. As long as it’s only written and not said.

Holy crap, Overkill is mildly intelligent. I don’t think a single canon character in the Neptunia series ever would have figured that out.

I'm all tuckered out; I really don't have much else to say. That was way too long a chapter.

Kind of odd how you didn’t put this reference in Chapter 10 but alright.

“Then that same slithering feeling hit Compa, but her reaction was much more different. Her eyes widened and I could see her shiver and then scream loud enough for deaf people to hear.” It’s okay that she had those physical reactions but Code should not be able to know she felt ‘that same slithering feeling’.

Okay, that Headshot and Overkill part was pretty funny.

Ooh… Well, that Chekhov’s Gun punched me in the gut. Shame it only lasted that long, though. Not everything’s a story arc, though, so it’s alright.

“I ignored the fact that she completely missed what I actually was saying.” You don’t actually need to mention this. The passive attitudes displayed by everyone else make this rather self-evident.

“The lobby itself was nothing more than a long, grand hallway in the shape of a U.” What provides the U shape?

“And one of the smallest too, I had a little holster inside my hoodie that I had stitched in for the little thing.” That would count as a flip-top phone. O_O

Good thing Nepgear didn’t use that speech in the real world; the Internet would be tearing her throat out. It’s essentially the same thing they were doing when they were combating piracy: they were using such strong-arm tactics to force the nation to behave their way. I’ll agree that those people were unpleasant but taking the Internet off (which, by the way, was extremely dangerous given how the Internet going off for even a second can endanger lives) is hugely drastic and heavy-handed. A good lord encourages and inspires, not enforces.

Overall, nothing much to talk about apart from the usual problems of length and putting periods in strings of dialogue when you're meant to put commas.

Dear diary,

Today, I learned that the party knew little to nothing about horror. The last thing you do in a horror scenario is split up from everyone else.

Alright, enough of that joke; time to move on. Firstly, early in the chapter, you said Code saw visions of Neptune and Nepgear interacting and that they spoke to each other. It would've been better if you actually told us what they were saying.

When you described CFW Magic (great cameo, by the way), you forgot to mention her wings. I think it would've worked if you said she looked like a corrupted CPU or something. Also, strange that she'd be called a weak foe when she managed to beat down four CPUs without breaking a sweat. Then again, this is Nepgear’s memory of her and it’s through Code’s focalisation, so it’s understandable that she’s either weakened or Code’s just too proud of his power. Still, cool that you remembered her Ice Impulse.

Also, “were three CPUs”, not “was”. Speaking of which, it's nice to know for sure what their exact fates were. Anyone who saw mk2's normal ending probably could've guessed but it's nice to be sure now. I just hope they don't come back in a completely anticlimactic way.

Enough screwing about; it's time to get to the main attraction that is the horror. Horror, horror, horror. I have no skill in horror as I was terrified of the opening sequence of Silent Hill 2. That said, this could've been done better. I fully understand keeping the characters isolated for the sake of being alone — hard to stay afraid when a good friend's got your back, after all — but this has the effect of bringing about something worse: an episodic chapter. Going back and forth between the four party members would be okay but it felt like they went through the same motions: an almost unbeatable foe of untold horror that they nonetheless overcome anyway, sometimes depressingly easily.

A problem here is the old "show, don't tell" malarkey. “the whisper turned harsh in trying to discourage Overdrive.” The problem here is 'trying to discourage Overdrive'. For one, we can already work that out. For the other instances where it's not immediately obvious, give sensory cues. When you're writing horror, you want to scare the reader, not hang a rusty sign that would have said 'You're scared' before the holes formed in it and turned it into 'You r scar '.

Since this chapter deals with the dark side of Nepgear's mind for the party to see, it would make sense for this to be a psychological horror. While you do have some good moments, like the last part with IF and the artefacts of her friends, it's not really relating to the mind. As I said, most of the monsters are beaten by force and are treated as monsters rather than the psychological scars of Nepgear's soul. Psychological horror is subtle and slow-building, emphasizing how the character is all alone with something that hates them in a very passive aggressive way. You've definitely shown you can do this but you lack the refinement to make it shine.

By the way, I can tell this chapter was for the reader to explore Nepgear's mindset. In that regard, it feels a bit hollow and more like a standard monster-fighting bonanza rather than a ride into a heart of darkness. I think this problem is more due to the sheer length of the chapter rather than you: you have close to 15,000 words and you run out of roads of Nepgear's soul to travel down at around about the 9,000 mark by my guess. You don't exactly have a lot to go with — Nepgear's guilt, her despair and her powerlessness — and, while you do expand on it a bit and give it physical form, we've all seen it before and it's hardly anything new and exciting.

Then again, this is more of a tour for Code and the gang rather than an assault on their psyches. In that regard, if you want to go for unsettling, look at 'Sacrifices' by Lord Mendasuit. It's a take on the Conquest Ending that was, for me, really hard to read. At the same time, maybe you can read 'Repetition' by Nicolas Crossworth and 'Neptunian Theory: Return of the Phantom' by xnobody13. Maybe these will help you out a bit in future endeavours.

By the way, what was that song that Code was humming?

Dear diary,

Today, I learned that IF is a remorseless mass murderer and Nepgear, Code, Overdrive and Compa seem to believe this is acceptable behaviour under a so-so range of circumstances. I am going to put this under effects of dimension hopping (again) and leave it at that. For now.

Bill Chill… nice name. Don’t get the reference but that’s okay. I get the R.O.B reference, though.

I like Xexima. He reminds me of Anonydeath but he’s friendly. What inspired him? The Lich King?

I think XP is written in upper case.

Just so you know, I really do like Code’s characterisation. Compared to all other male OCs that tend to share the same template as a male IF, Code’s much more unique with his love for his weapon, his reverence for his goddess rather treating them as equals (actually, he treats Nepgear like a sister but baby steps) and his worldview, while cynical, is still rather idealistic as he believes good gamership exists still. His frigophobia is also a very unique and realistic flaw that manages to show us his adventurer status while showing us his weakness at the same time. Code may be the most powerful OC the Neptunia has to date and his fear and weakness makes him a hell of a lot more sympathetic. It builds his character much more than his parental loss subplot. What makes it work, however, is its subtlety. You don’t bang us over the head with it and it’s not a central part of his characters; it’s but a single facet of the complex entity that is Code Oprashunal (I still want to know where you get that last name from).

Heh heh heh… Good on you for including Overdrive in that huddle.

Dear diary,

IF is still a murderous psychopath. This is not socially acceptable behaviour.

Alrighty, I’ll wait until later to read the next chapter.