Hello!
I've started to read your story today and it's been great so far! Your writing is subtle but clear enough to follow easily what's going on. I was a bit surprised at your take on Tali meeting Garrus but why the hell not after all. Your Shepard seems kind of shy, that's... cute? Not really my type of Shepard but I'm loving your story so far anyway!

It's such a shame that it wasn't completed. One of the best Mass Effect fanfics out there, I'm certain of that. :) Not the hawt-smexy parts, couldn't give less of a shit about those, but the portrayal of characters and their changes is superb, as well as the smaller-bigger twists to the original story. :) Is there a chance it will ever get finished?

I shouldn't review on my smartphone. :-/ now the full review.

And there I wondered why you post no new chapters.
Okay guys, in case you didn't realize it: This is AU!
And the little girl insult... Go fuck your self, thank you very much.
Dear Smehur, anybody who writes this many comments only to whinewhinewhine is a troll, nothing more. Just ignore them and post the rest of your story. Please?

I too w

Hoooboy, review section is some manner of warzone. o_o I just found this fic a few weeks ago and was wondering why there were no more updates. I see the Unhelpful Criticisms and Flaming Legion found it, which is unfortunate beyond words.

FIRST OF ALL, ANYONE WHO THINKS INSULTING PEOPLE FOR ACTING LIKE YOUNG GIRLS IS INSULTING, Y'ALL CAN JUST GO FUCK A SUNNY WALL, YOU SEXIST PRICKS.

Also, OF COURSE THEY'RE FUCKING PINING FOR EACH OTHER LIKE FUCKING TEENS (OR ANYONE IN LOVE), THEY'RE. FUCKING. LOVERS. Who might have to kill each other, even! If you're not here for the turian romance and possible boning, this is probably NOT written for you!

Okay, so this story. It starts out with an interesting premise, but deteriorates into twilight in space within a couple of chapters. It was a thoroughly disappointing read, at times infuriating. The characters were so out of character, so immature, that I could not believe for a second that they are portrayals of adult, capable people.
Usually, with stories such as these, I don't bother writing a review. But this hit too many of my buttons, so sadly I now spend time writing this.

You have forgotten that you are writing a story, borrowing characters that are already defined by the game to be ruthless, effective, intelligent agents and soldiers. You redefine them in a unrealistic way, which pains me to read. Most of them seem to have the emotional apparatus of a 14 year old, who have just started to go through puberty. They are all are inept at their jobs, and continue to amaze me with their constant reminder of how unqualified they are to handle the happenings in this plot.

Saren's only purpose in this story is to be miserable, and make your readers feel bad for him through cheap "pity me, I am indoctrinated" chapters, and an 'alien hand' syndrome. Nihlus on the other hand, has become a Mary Sue of frightning proportions. All he does, through the entire story is pine after Saren. Need I remind you that Nihlus is a Spectre, he is not Bella Swan, and Saren is not his shining vampire in silver armor. This is just ridiculous. Shepard is constantly redefining the term useless. I am not entierly sure what she is doing in this story, except that she seems to be the tour leader of their Nordmandy and Co. sightseeing trip through space. You have failed at defining Shepard, as Shepard is in the game. She is a leader. Not just a soldier. And it pains me to see you do this to such a resourceful and powerful character. You have reduced her to nothing, and have given Nihlus her role. In my opinion, this story would be better off if you rewrote the summary to be "What if Shepard was dropped on her head as a child, and Nihlus had to do her job?"

Next we have Garrus, and what you have done to him is simply unforgivable. He is a soulful, wonderful and funny character. You missed his tone by such a long shot, you killed Kenny. Instead of a funny, somewhat immature (as he is in ME1), you have written a mean, angry little man. He is jealous, he is cruel. Manipulative and ugly. I do not know how you managed to exchange his tone for something like that. But it is most probably the single worst Garrus i have read. Only thing consistent about Garrus' character in this story is his name. Other than that, you have the entire character wrong. I don't know how one can manage to do that, without it being deliberate. Further on, Liara. I don't know where to start on this one. You made her spill a tray on Saren, and then she used the opportunity to grope the man. A young, scared asari girl, with little experience, just lost a tray on the citadels most feared, most ruthless spectre. On purpose. Do I have to spell it out to you, that this does not compute? And further more, her clingyness to Nihlus is an eyesore to read. I can quite well understand why both Shepard and Garrus turned away from when she started to grope Nihlus' face. I had to do the same.
First thing that stood out, was that Tali went to Garrus with the information. This is clearly not what happens in the game, nor does it make much sense to change it, seeing you still wanted the fight in Chora’s den.

Next, we have the happenings on Eden Prime. Which hurt my brain to read. You try so hard for shocking, deep emotional states in Nihlus when he gets shot by Saren. This part was ridiculous to read. "But Nihlus wasn't angry. He wanted to say so. To comfort the man who had just shot him." This is the single most idiotic line I have read. It is a complete turnover from the trusting puppy you had just described, who got shocked and angry, and then suddenly "Oh no, not angry after all." It made no sense, and actually succeeded in making me face/palm in real life. You deserve a slow clap for that.

Either way, moving on. After Eden Prime, they have absolutely no reason to suspect Saren for anything. None of them. And yet Anderson claims Saren was the one behind the Geth attack. First, they have no proof. The game was flimsy enough in explaining why Shepard believed Saren was behind it all, but you actually managed to give it less sense. Less credibility. And then for some inane reason, without any additional proof, that tiny geth transmit was enough proof to declare Saren as rogue. Has your world never heard of fake audio? Also, Nihlus thought it to be a good idea to listen to sensitive information, while an asari luxury whore listens? In ME1, her reputation is even tarnished, so this makes absolutely no sense.

Next is the painfully rendered jealous romance subplot of Nihlus and Garrus. You have them constantly get on to each other, suddenly distrust each other, and then when they finally almost get it on, you interrupt them with a call. This cliche. It is so bad, so overused, so hopelessly idiotic, that you again managed to make me face/palm. It is clear that of course, only Saren and Nihlus are true love here, and of course it would be bad of Nihlus to betray the man who has done nothing but betray him continuously through this story. Again, this is like a teenage romance, nothing of what I would expect of fully grown military men. They all think like lovestruck brats, with nothing better to do than get drunk and whine about their love-life, and pine for something they cannot have.

After this, nothing of significance really happens. Except whining and pining from Nihlus and that Shepard's strange compulsion is exposed.

That is, until the shocking conversation between Sovereign and Saren. First of all, Nazara was the name the Geth knew Sovereign by, not the name Saren knew it by. Secondly, how does this exchange make even a sliver of sense? In the game, Saren did not come forth to Sovereign with his doubts, which would of course only lead to him being indoctrinated to a bigger degree. Instead, Saren tried to come up with a defense, he started up an entire research facility, with the purpose of monitoring the effects of indoctrination on organics, so he would know the warning signs. And therefore he would know if his own thoughts were no longer only his. And would know when his decisions were rendered invalid.

But in your story, he does the most illogical, insane action. He is perfectly aware he is indoctrinated. And yet, he goes to confront Sovereign, to whine about his petty religious beliefs waning, and wants confirmation from a machine he knows is feeding him lies and altering his memories. This is beyond idiotic.

If Sovereign had any sort of sense left, he would have "upgraded" Saren then and there. But instead it tries to strengthen his resolve, by saying “Synthethis”. Yet another face/palm moment. You will soon need a round of applause again.

And then at the very last of this story, you end it with a half-assed chapter, that you clearly hated to write. There are typos, there are grammatical errors, the characters make even less sense than they did in the start.
At least, this means I’m done with my rant. Which absolutely helped soothe my sore buttons. This story was half-assed, and not thought through. Try better next time, heavens knows we don’t need another Twilight “In space!”.

please post the next chapter already. I have to know what happens next :)

Hey, The Fox Familiar, I must say, I agree with everything you've just said. The comments you left are a bit too harsh, even cruel. XD I didn't comment on any chapters of this fic, 'cause I prefer not to comment at all if I don't like the story, but I just couldn't look at your angry comments and say nothing. XD They brough me so much joy. Really.
Sorry, Smehur, The Fox is harsh and abusive, maybe, but their criticism raises a very good point. Many good points, actually. Fangirls and fanboys of slash and Saren/Nihlus shipper may be ok with that, but your characters are terribly OOC, your story’s logic is crumbling, and Saren and Nihlus are really acting like weak-willed stupid love-sick teenage girls. And Garrus is straight. If he is gay in your story, explain it. I don't know what is good about OOC characters. Slash is actually beside the point here, because no matter if you're writing slash or het, you either keep everyone in character, or warn people about OOC before they become angry and write you rage-comments. So yes, Saren is an evil asshole and the only person he loved – his brother – he killed himself in cold-blood. No tears shed. Yeah. Also, Nihlus is a Spectre. Spectres are the Galaxy's elite agents, ruthless and smart. Not stupid and egoistic soft-hearted emotional children.
And yes, your Shepard is anything but a Ruthless Commander.
Sorry. That may sound upsetting and cruel but those are the facts, regardless of whether you agree or disagree with them; your characters are not themselves and instead of being military men they are acting like a bunch of love-sick children on vacation in Disneyland.
I hope you’ll be able too take an unbiased rational look on how you're writing your characters and will improve them, cause they are really the main problem of the story. Logic holes are coming from OOC. Even if you're making some of canon characters gays, you have no right to make them OOC and turn turian men into little girls. Same for the other characters, such as Liara and her mother. They have their own personalities, they are not yours, they belong to Bioware. You can't change them. Unless this is OOC story, of course. In that case, as I said before, warn readers about OOC. People who don’t like it will not read your story. Problem solved. If you don’t like OOC yourself, and if you want more realism and logic in your story, think again about how you’re writing characters.

Oh, so Powell was executed, not Nihlus. Doesn't matter, because we still got the entire colony dead, or did you forget that?

And why would Nihlus even disagree with Anderson? They worked with each other for years, and Nihlus stated that humanity has potential, unlike Saren. And suddenly, Saren hates humanity, despite having human stocks?

Huh? There are even fewer witnesses in your scenario then there were in the game, and Saren is the longest serving Spectre. He knows his way around. And now he's acting like an idiot? The Council wouldn't even bring him in for a trial in that case! If there was no witness except Nihlus (makes me wonder where Sovereign and the others were) well then, what's all the fuss about?

More inconsistencies. Plus, the people who have inspired/corrected you are equally as shitty, so it's no surprise that you'd fail as much as them.

What the fuck? Nihlus and Garrus fucked? That's fucked up, especially since Garrus is straight. This is proven in canon. And I don't think Nihlus even met Garrus at all, since the former is a Spectre and the latter a C-Sec agent. Plus, the 'full out hug thing'? Fucking gay. You're really trying too hard with this.

'A healthy amount of longing' - No...but Jesus, this was fucked up read.

The whole pastry thing make me thing that they were all hipsters.

"He never stopped liking Nihlus...if he were still to have sex it'd be better than that furious encounter" - So now you're making them gay for no reason, while gleefully ignoring canon. Why do all male characters have to be gay to you sick fucks? That mentality of 'they're so hot...how can they resist each other? I know I couldn't!' is really, really old. Garrus is straight; he talks about having sex with women, and also gets into a romance with Tali if FemShepard doesn't pursue him. And if the turian culture is strict, I would think homosexuality would be punished.

It's also OOC for him. Garrus has a firm sense of right and wrong, so why would he go gay? That's pretty much spitting on his character and making him homosexual to add 'flavour' to this empty story.

Saren? Having a hand in human stocks? Why? He hates humans; so why would he ever invest in human stocks? He even says in game that humans 'need to learn their place'. Or did you forget that, as well?

Why does Garrus have a Geth probe? Wouldn't that already say: "Hey, the Geth are here." And what happened to the human colonists on Eden Prime? Did they just disappear all of a sudden? No, with all the surveillance and big pillars and COLONIES, there's suddenly no one around doing their job in - oh I don't know - watching the planet? It's a fucking human colony. Why they'd just sit there and point at the sky and go 'Oh, pretty!' at the Geth ships is pretty fucking dumb.

"The Alliance wants to implicate Saren" - Even in the game when he WAS responsible, the Council couldn't find any evidence. He has fewer here, especially since no one witnessed him except Nihlus, and for some reason, Shepard's not saying anything? What?

Oh, so NOW Ashley and Kaidan are there. How come they're not acting as witnesses? They were there with Shepard?

Hurr-durr, consistency, what is that? Aside from the cheap faggotry between Nihlus and Garrus (gotta be those voices, eh?) this entire story just falls flat on its face. Why it even goes on for as long as it does escapes me, but 100,000 words ain't that long. I am thankful for that.

Oh, wow, we have the classic cliche of the evil woman acting like a cunt that gets in the way of the buttfucking. I hope you realize that Benezia went to Saren to lead him on the right track, yet ended up being indoctrinated herself. She was under Saren's will. Now she's acting like some twat that Saren hates for no reason.

"Stay away from my things!" - Saren needs to stop acting like a fucking child. And why are there mirrors on Sovereign? He's not a beauty parlor.

And oh my God, sweet sweet Nihlus and his little messages! How cute! I bet all your little fans squealed in delight when they see that.

So, Nihlus sees Saren on Eden Prime, who didn't give him an explanation as to why he was there, and he couldn't notice the Geth. He couldn't put two and two together and suddenly assumes Saren was just there by accident?

Bitch, you've got to be kidding me. This isn't even remotely realistic. Do you even realize how protocol works? If Nihlus got 'accidentally' shot at by Saren, wouldn't you be in the least suspicious? Or is Nihlus as retarded as he acts in this story?

Benezia isn't dumb. She's a Matriarch. The whole fact Saren used her was because of Liara's knowledge of Prothean ruins, which the Reapers wanted to use. But I guess that flew over your head when you wrote this story. There's literally nothing that makes sense in this story. If Tali had information of a Geth attack, and visible proof, why not go to a higher authority? Quarian or not, the Geth are a big issue. Plus, there should be regular patrols on Eden Prime to monitor the surface. Why they didn't notice anything is also unbelievable.

Plus, if Saren is implanted, there is no way he's going to have these touchy-feely emotions. But I guess that womanly logic of yours just decided to make it hot and be done with it? I guess so.

Your female Shepard doesn't sound at all like someone who would be a butcher and yet be a shy little girl. Unless she's a yandere or something. At any case, it's pretty obvious that Saren was working with the Geth, I mean, they were standing right next to him. Why they're denying this is pretty stupid.

Not to mention Nihlus is OOC. He's acting like a love-sick love bird for Saren and not acting like his usual self. He's kind of a pompous asshole, but he's not a weak willed idiot.

As for Shepard, while she can be whatever the player chooses her to be, she's still a competent soldier. If she was a butcher, I'd expect her to be a cold and ruthless woman who doesn't hesitate to get the job done. But here, she's just acting like someone who isn't even fit for war. So, along with your weak grasp of characters, your Saren is by far the worst yet. I don't know what it is with slash fangirls; either they are willfully retarded or just begging for attention, in the end they still manage to create shit. In a way, you pulled a Heplerburg on this story. It's so fanfiction-y that it ceases to be a serious story. Add on to the fact that you have friends that write these female-centric stories and have earned oodles of praise, this makes me more inclined to tear this story a new one.

Once an organic makes contact with a Reaper, they are done for. Saren dedicated himself to Sovereign, and was incapable of feeling any emotion, because to a Reaper, emotion is an organic weakness that is incapable of recognizing logic and reason. There can be no room for error. But here, Saren is the token weak willed, feminine prince charming that is willing to go out of his way to protect Nihlus, his student, while Sovereign acts like nothing is happen.

Sorry, but there IS no hiding from a Reaper. And I could die for one to come here and obliterate this awful story.

Sovereign knows everything. When he takes control of people, their memories, desires, actions, and will become his. That is how the Reapers work. So Saren having these 'love conquers all' moments not only is cheesy, but it is hopelessly unrealistic.

"His envy grew stronger...his feelings got in the way of what had to be done" - Oh, for God's sake, woman. This is not Saren. The only person Saren had any affection for was his brother, Desolas, and when Desolas went bonkers, Saren killed him. Since then, Saren cared about no one but himself. He sees people as assets when needed and as tools to be disposed of. He doesn't have these emotional train wrecks you write him having. Why Sovereign wouldn't know about any of his feelings, or why he wouldn't abolish them, is stupid, and is one of the many errors in this shit-filled story. Saren isn't an envious person at all; he is completely the opposite. If he was envious, he'd probably kill everyone left and right for having better morals than him. Saren just wants to get the job done - no exceptions.

"The beacon didn't speak to synthetics" - It may not, but the Reapers know how to find them. In any case, this attempt of an AU is horrid, and your portrayal of characters goes from a would be space opera into an angsty, 'whatever-shall-I-do' would be romance that stinks of female desire for love.

'Synthetic meat of his palm' - He has synthetic parts that don't even scratch with bullets. Why he'd even tear into his palm I don't know, but I guess it's your way of making him this effeminate, emotional train-wreck that is nowhere near his real personality.

All I can say about this chapter is: boo-fucking-hoo. Nobody cares. It's just a bunch of faggy aliens crying about their feelings, which all mean jack shit. Saren chose to go with Sovereign, and Sovereign took full advantage of him. Or did you forget indoctrination? I guess so, because no wonder this doesn't make sense at all.

"He had a bad feeling about this" - And yet he never said this to anyone?

Nihlus was sent to Eden Prime in the first place to scout out a Prothean beacon that was arranged by the Council. Why he didn't know this, and why nobody else did, is pretty fucking stupid.

Now the Geth are attacking despite the Council having eyes on the planet. Why they didn't notice this is completely fucking stupid. No scouts, no reports, no anything? Unbelievable. Your story-telling is horrid.

Saren is not being rational. Why Sovereign would even allow him to have these fangirl feelings for Nihlus would make Sovereign throw him out of the airlock. Any exposure to Sovereign means being exposed to his influence, which means you gradually become indoctrinated. So Saren's thoughts wouldn't be that cluttered, mainly because he would believe without a doubt that what he was doing was right. There is none of that here, because you are obviously forgetting logic 101, writing 101, and CONSISTENCY. You are awful at Saren.

Now, for Eden Prime. How come no one else noticed that a Geth ship was there? Aren't there anybody watching the damn skies? Relays? People do that for a living! But no, those farming retards and their colonies. They just don't happen to have people trek the surface. Why was Tali there, anyways? How come nobody else who catered her there noticed? You just can't have these things without people noticing!

This is already failing harder than ME 3's endings.