This Alternate World you've created is interesting.

"Now go get cleaned up for supper." / "Yes, sir."

I'm counting this as the opening, even though it's roughly the first third-plus of the story. It's not very strong. We don't see anything different from what we expect from Dean. I would have hoped for more elaboration, more emotions in the response to the "They're saying you'll... that you'll never come back" line. While it's true that's about the limit of what he can say with any surety, I would think he would put more effort into comforting his son more than "I'll do my best."

ooo

Beaking my reading - just got to the part after the line break, and it's a pretty dense grey wall. I'm glad I'm not as sleep-deprived as I am normally, but it is still daunting.

Onward...

ooo

The musings on the nature of Elven trust sometimes meanders into the realm of pure exposition. Seeing that we are inside Castiel's head, I'd like to see this background more frequently anchored to him - his thoughts, his physical reactions, be they slight and even subconscious.

Without a binding to the character, as a reader, I find this sort of narrative to be of questionable relevance. Yes, I am sure it is relevant to the story as a whole, but that's looking at it more from an editor's perspective. In the-here-and-the-now, if it's not plainly tied to a character, then I am less interested in it.

ooo

"...despite being the Eldest of El and El's own appointed(,) Steward still carried himself with more humility..." Missing comma.

ooo

"It would be a new experience to be given orders and have to question and consider before obeying them."

That's a nice place to put horizontal line. There's nothing more to immediately come, but it gives both the MC and us the readers a sense of anticipation, as well as some food for thought until that time.

ooo

"If the rumours she heard were true, she would need it again before long."

Odd place to end the chapter. Ending with either Castiel's ponderings or the humans' departure seems a better ending. Yes, this has a sense of foreboding, but the character hasn't appeared in this chapter before now, so it seems odd to close on her.

ooo

As a chapter, it's a good bridge chapter, one of those necessary exercises to do between one interesting chapter and the next. Bridge chapters are the unsung heroes of writing - they're needed, but the best ones are brief and unobtrusive.

As per our PM conversation, I understand this story is on indefinite hiatus, so I'll end with my impressions of what I've read so far: it's so AU it may as well be o-fic. That's not a bad thing. In fact, it's great for someone like me who has only a passing familiarity with the canon. However, I can see die-hard Supernatural-fans dropping it: they want more of the same, and this story tries to explore the characters motivations and behaviours outside of their normal circumstance.

"She knew she really, should, but she couldn't form the words, so she simply made herself smile and hoped they understood."

Very good opening paragraph. The dark doubt of, "Maybe you never had a baby who lived" is wonderfully done.

"If this was what honour felt like, Kate didn't want it." All in all, a great opener. We really get into Kate's head, not just her thoughts, but her fears, her latent rage. While the phrase itself might be cliched in any other context, it fits so well here that the possibility that it is a cliche didn't strike me until after I read it.

'Neither Sam nor Dean had ever called their stepmother "Mom;"' While grammatically correct, the oddity of seeing the semicolon in the quotes makes me wonder if the two sentences are so close that they require a semicolon. They certainly are close enough to justify it, but that's not the same as requiring it.

"...basically left Sam and Dean to their own devices... an arrangement that had worked out rather well due to Dean's considerable experience and the rules and instructions John had drilled into him until they were almost as natural as breathing."

Unfortunately, this did trip my cliche sensor. "To their own devices," "drilled into him," and "as natural as breathing." Unlike the opener, the context here isn't so compelling as to distract my eye. Apologies for raising such a banal nit.

"It hadn't bee(n) until Adam..." Missing letter. My fics always have these little bugs, but this work has been clean until now. Again, sorry for being such a hair-splitter.

"The younger women had not left her side, and though they were always gentle, somehow it felt as though they were physically preventing her from running away or otherwise making a scene."

I like this line. There's some truth in it, to begin with. However, it also gives more insight into Kate's mindset - quiet desperation, stifling solitude, and that feeling she has to be strong, to not avail herself of friendships even though all wouldn't blame her. It's a great line that shows her situation, and how unenviable it is.

Adam's reminisicing is wonderful, though there's a subtle perspective shift from him to Jo.

The writing where Shaman Jim initiates the Oath, Adam recites it, and even the info-dump about the "unto death" clause all flows very smoothly. It pulled me along, and only upon hitting the paragraph break did I have to consciously stop reading to jot down these thoughts.

The ending seems abrupt. Yes, the Etching is the culmination of the ceremony (or at least that is my understanding), but nothing until this point indicated it was something so big that it warranted its own chapter. Morever, the way the chapter died off doesn't seem to justify stopping there, instead of going ahead with the Etching.

Overall, the chapter is good. Overall, the pace to this point is slow, with each scene almost equal parts rememberances and current activity. This is fine, so long as it is consistent, which it seems to be. While Supernatural is (from what little I've seen of it) an action/suspense/paranormal canon, the fact that this is AU absolves it of any obligation to match its canon in terms of pacing and priorities. As such, I enjoy this pace very much, though others might now.

I'm not a fan of longish author's notes, but that's one area where I feel to go further is to needlessly quibble over something that is wholly subjective. To address some of these points:

- Sorry you had technical difficulties. I share your befuddlement as to the keyboard layout and the priority given the calculator. If you're still lacking MSWord, you might be able to get by with OpenOffice.

- Because I'm relatively unfamilar with the canon, I find Kate not to be hatable. Instead, I find her quite compelling and sympathetic. I don't see any obvious signs of mental illness here, just aa frightened mother: she's supposed to be proud of her son, but she harbored fears for his life for so long, that now, for him to take the Oath, its just a re-emergence of her fears, but all at once.

- I'm not strong on reading the signifigance of lyrics, so I'm afraid I'm one of the people who just skipped the quotes. Apologies for it. I didn't find them to be distracting or too many in number. Like A/Ns, so long as they aren't too big a distraction, I don't feel I've any right to criticize them.

'"Jess?" Sam's voice was worried. "What's wrong?"'

That seems an odd place to break a chapter intro. To start with, it doesn't ask a strong enough fictive question: "what's wrong" is too easily answered, correctly or not, as "morning sickness." Now, this might not necessarily be the right answer, but it's too convenient of one, so the reader isn't pulled along by curiosity.

"Seeing Missouri." I'm guessing she's the village medical expert, at whatever level of medical advancement they might be.

The Lisa sequence is a much better opening. It's longer, so it gives us a chance to get to know Lisa, to develop sympathy for her.

"Yes, Jess. You have a little one in there." I'm guessing this is not expected, and might not be desired. It does cause us to feel some of her fear and concern.

The next paragraph seems overly long. While it's grammatically correct, it seems out of place in the story's flow in terms of size. Taken as one grey blob, it has the feel of being a bit forced and artificial, chock full of necessary background, yet not quite flowing organically.

Lisa's turn with Missouri is equally effective in making this reader care about her. Her decision not to tell until Dean has left for his heart's sake is especially telling and compelling.

As a place to close the chapter, it's very good. It is a bit of a down beat, a stopping point. A chapter doesn't necessarily need to always end in a cliffhanger. This leaves us worried about both wives, while answering most of our questions. The one open one that I have is "is this a coincidence, or something unnatural?" However, that's more meta-knowledge because I know the story is based on Supernatural, so that sort of event might occur.

Overall, the chapter stands very well. Yes, it's not an action chapter. It's not even a very chatty chapter - there is a lot of dialogue, but it's not very happy and not very fast. There's a lot of concern and hesitation. Setup chapters are required, else The Big Denouement won't work well at best, and might not work at all at worst. There might be a way to have a little more punch in one of the conversations, but I like the chapter's pacing, tone, and atmosphere.

Evermore Ch2 Review

"Dean was looking at her with so much honest pain in his eyes"

I'd lose the word 'honest.' In most cases, it's redundant. In the few cases where it's feigned, then ... Lisa wouldn't see it, so it doesn't belong.

"So she did, and she felt something tearing in her heart as she choked on the words, fervently blinking back tears."

You may want to find another way to refer to Lisa, either by description, by inference, or some othre means. There's a lot of 'she' in this sentence, and the human eye can be distracted by the repetition.

"He silently prayed to a god he doubted even existed that he could return to his wife and son."

This is a minor quibble (as are the above, sorry!) but I'd try to make mention of Dean and Lisa's son earlier.

I'll consider this the intro. (The HR line below it help me determine that. :) )

We have the start of a quest. Dean is The Reluctant Hero in the best Campbellian fashion. It's a trope, so I'm going to say it's not a very strong opener. The writing is well done (as usual), but there's not a lot to go on to differentiate this from too many other stories that start with The Quest Begins.

The implied fictive question is, "Will he succeed?" but that's stock. Aside from the fact that it is Dean Winchester (or at least his namesake), this doesn't pull me in by my nose. I suspect that's what makes fanfic fanfic - the comfort in knowing that there's a pre-established reading pool.

"Regarding the younger Elf as an officer..."

High Elf / younger Elf seem to be used a little much. See previous chapter's comment about 'she'. If there aren't more ways to uniquely refer to one or the other, this may indicate that the characters need a little more description and develpment.

Again, incredibly minor nit.

"And what is it your place to do, then, brother?" / "To serve and obey to the very best of my ability, my Lord."

I love this exchange. It speaks a great deal about the relationship Michael and Castiel have, especially how one finds the fraternal bonds to be a possibly useful tool, while the other, more subordinate, one does not waver from his station. It builds up the reader's investment in the character.

"The Prophet Edlund who deserves respect for the favour El has shown him is, of course, also human."

This reads a little clumsily for me. It doesn't quite fit in the conversatonal flow, either. The previous thought was that El on High has decreed that humans are to be cared for and protected. While Edlund has personally received El's nod, he is already a human, and therefore already cared for and protected. Why bring him up?

"The Prophet Edlund has had a vision concerning a certain human named Dean Winchester."

There's a cognitive leap here that I'm missing. Until now, it reads like "meddle not in the affairs of angels" - that they did not often mingle with humans. While the Prophet has indeed El's favour, there's not a first-degree link between Michael and Edlund. A simple mention of how this became Michael (and therefore Castiel)'s problem will suffice.

"El has reveald to me that the Prohpe Edlund had a vision concerning a certain human named Dean Winchester."

"Constructing and repairing arrows was something her father had taught her"

A minor data-dump. It's worth whinging about because the vehicle by which this and the subsequent facts are conveyed to the reader is not obvious. It defaults to the author speaking directly to the reader, which is to be avoided. By having Dean see her deftness and then having /him/ remember her background would work, but only to an extent. The stuff at home wouldn't be covered by this.

At that point, the question becomes, "Why include it?"

"Anger and disbelief /flash/ across her features."

Tense shift.

"I can take only those the village can spare"

At this point, I don't see Jo as being essential. If previous mention was made that females are treasured because of need to fight the blight by reproducing, then that makes the sentence work. As it stands, I'm ejected from the fictive illusion and asking, "Why can't the village spare her?"

"Ellen glared up at him over the counter she was cleaning with violent swipes of a white towel."

This is an odd pan to pick. We have an incidental clause in this sentence, "over the counter she was cleaning." If we drop the clause, Ellen glares at Dean with ... well you get the picture.

Yes, it's obvious that "with violent swipes" belongs with "the counter she was cleaning," but this is the sort of thing some writing teachers (and editor) red-pen.

"Caleb Blacker worked alongside Bobby in the smithy"

Another small data-dump, one that can be partially alleviated by simply having Bobby say something like "You're not planning on taking Caleb with you, are you? I can't run this smithy by myself, you know."

"Dean was also a capable blacksmith,"

More of the same. It can be worked into Bobby's dialog, but not w/o me rewriting more of your text that I feel comfortable. This is your story, and while I have little reserve about suggesting changes, I don't like to try to take over a story for more than a sentence.

'Dean shook his head. "No sir.'

I think there should be a comma between the two words. The "sir" is surprising. We don't have any idea of Bobby's age or station, so to have Dean append the honorific makes me wonder why.

And that interrupts how smoothly the story flows.

I'm mixed about the closing scene. I like Bobby's resignation to the fact Adam is doing something possibly fatal, and at the very least, foolhardy. It's a good ending scene for Bobby's story, but this is Dean's, so there should be something from Dean, even if it's as simple as him thinking to himself, "I hope so, too"

The chapter is well done. The dialog is smooth. The speakers aren't necessarily distinct, but seeing as they're mostly NPC townspeople, they don't have to be. This may be a matter of preference, but I prefer conveying facts to the reader by way of dialog over direct exposition. Or, if it can only be shown by the narrative, then somehow anchor that passage to one of the primary characters.

I'm deliberately forcing myself to stop after choosing some point as the conclusion to the chapter intro, and I'm consciously looking for areas to discuss. (In other words, I'm not a very good test-reader. Then again, authors rarely are. We're too interesting in the background workings of a story to enjoy it at face value.) I would imagine, as a regular reader, I would find the dialog to be smooth, and overlook the data-dumpage.

Evermore Ch1 Review

"My Lord, Michael, the Prophet Edlund has had a vision."

Eats, shoots, and leaves. Is it "My Lord, (named) Michael" or "My Lord, (Michael, the Prophet Edlund)"? I'm not strong on Supernatural, so I may be asking an idiot's question, but that speed bump isn't a good start to a chapter.

"Michael had no choice but to cast him out, and the Elf Azazel and the Elf Alistaiel followed with Lucifael who went to the land that is called today the Land of Loss and built from the stones there the Fortress of Scourge for himself and his followers and it is from there that the blight has spread across the land."

This feels like a good place stop and digest the previous paragraphs as the intro. It is very strong. I like the pacing, the confidence of voice, the formal langauge, and the time-beyond-time feel to it. It invites the reader in, and concludes here with a smooth transition to the humans' POV.

"The need became greater with each passing day."

Very smooth transition between past and present tense. Applause.

"So it was with the most desperate and painful faith that John Winchester..."

Read alone, the paragraph is a weak closing paragraph. It doesn't give us enough investment in either Winchester to care if Dean makes it or not, nor what he finds there should be succeed.

Together with the rest of the work, it's moderate. It's really riding on the coattails of the strenght of the opening and body. We have an origin story that is similar enough, but different enough, to be comfortably familiar yet still interesting. We have a plight that vexes all humankind. So, this is likely the "last, best hope," to steal some TV show's slogan.

Taken together, it is strong enough to interest me in reading the next chapter, but not compellingly so.

Overall, the chapter reads very well. As was promised by the introduction, the language is fluid and rich, yet not overly ornate or obfuscated. The scope is consistent - we have a clash of angels, and now we have a trial of the whole race. It is short, a blessing in our ADHD world. If this is reprsentative of the rest of the work, the quality of writing will be very enjoyable.

I've been reading through the archives and just hit this one. I really like your story so far, but I see its been some time since you updated it. I hope you plan to finish it, but can understand if you have discontinued it.
At any rate, unfinished or not, its a very neat AU.

Excellent! Although, I was kinda disappointed the cliffie just stopped... But I understand the need to move the story along. It was great to watch Castiel start his journey of emotions. In a world where everyone trusts and no one's lied, I can only imagine his thoughts after being called out by the second in command. I'm really excited to see them begin their journey and all the reactions were spot on, although I would have liked to have seen the reactions of the hunters as well.

I really enjoyed what you've written so far and I can't wait to read the next installment!

Gah, cliffie! I really liked this one. It was so emotionally charged it was hard to rip away from it. You dd really well with Kate's depression, extremely believable. Adam is going to be very interesting I believe. I just read his wiki page and his history is very interesting... Anywho, on to the next chapter!

Another good chapter! I really enjoyed Missouri's character and the dialogue between the her and the two mothers. Great job!

Another good chapter! Nothing to critique in this one, everything was sound! I'm curious as to who this Kate and Adam are... Everyone seems quite sure of an explosion, and I'm quite fond of explosions, I might say. Looking forward to more!

Well, I have to say, it was a little difficult... Very interesting story so far, though. It actually reminds me of a book trilogy called The Circle by Ted Dekker. Excellent read.

As for the flow of the chapter, I think you may have too many ideas in too few words... I don't want to sound presumptuous, but you may need to expand the second portion of this chapter. After High Elf Lucifael fell is when it started to get a little difficult. Maybe some dialogue?

Anyway, I really liked the first chapter and look forward to reading more!

I love this. keep going. I would love to read more

I really enjoyed what's true from the show with the whole new world you've created. The only way I could picture it was as dolphins leaping over another, graceful and clever at the same time.

As well, Led Zepplin titles awesome.

Although I would be careful just how much you end up paralleling...

Great first chapter!

Yay! An update :) thanks for updating this story! I loved the entire chapter and the part with the elves was awesome! I loved getting inside Castiel's head :) please update as soon as you can :)