Blue Dragon
Effect
hmmGalaxy Eyes?

As promised, here's my review of the remaining chapters.

I'll start off my perusal of this chapter by saying that I'm waiving all language/culture problems over to Mikan, since she's qualified to point them out and I'm not. As such I'll be trying to overlook them in my own reviews, since I'm unable to articulate the exact reason they're wrong- with one exception. A good portion of this chapter focuses on Himawari's refusal to be less formal with her friends, only using the "-san" honorific. Except- and Mikan, correct me if I'm wrong here- it's really not all that unusual for friends, particularly ones who are a little more distant, to continue using honorifics like that. I bring this up because if you put that into perspective, a lot of the conflict in this chapter becomes slightly silly.

Moving on from realms I have no business commenting on to realms where I feel a bit safer, I really, really have to say that this chapter really feels like the start of the fanfic. Shimo, Kagi, Migi, and Himawari are introduced; the audience gets a chance to examine each of them, and three of the four main characters actually get to demonstrate their deck. Furthermore, in the interest of fairness you actually did do a bit more subtle character exposition this chapter than you did during the last one. The scene where Shimo's room is displayed is actually a nice way to show the reader what kind of a person he is, and the various memorabilia in it felt natural- I got a kick out of the JACK ATLAS meme reference, too, since it worked with the scene. Admittedly, when reading the conversation between Shimo and Kagi my first thought- well, after "why does Shimo refer to her by first name but everyone else refers to him by his surname"- was "The poor guy doesn't realize she's gay, does he".

I'm going to slightly segue here and discuss this, because I think it's worth bringing up at this point- having read ahead in the fanfic, I'm treating Himawari being in the closet and Himawari wanting to avoid physical contact as primarily being separate issues. When I first read this chapter I was actually kind of hoping that the reason Himawari was keeping her distance from Shimo and Kagi was primarily due to a crush on Kagi. Given the contents of future chapters, that honestly seems unlikely, and since we've had little to nothing in the way of any hints as to her behavior she just comes off as being antisocial and detached because that's just who she is. I don't have any problems with that, per say, but I do think it limits her as a POV character since it means she will have to be dragged into any activity that involves the cast at large.

I know this may be a cheap shot, incidentally, but am I the only one who looked at the outfit Kagi is described as wearing and immediately thought "So who's she cosplaying as?" It's rather elaborate-sounding for everyday clothing, even given anime standards of such.

Moving on to the duel which comprises the bulk of the chapter, I'm really torn. In the days of post-Silent-X and the advent of Vanguard I've really felt less and less interested in turning my reviews into rants about duel choreography, because I just don't care about it as much as I used to. On the other hand, the duel choreography here really, really needs some work. As such I'm going to establish a happy medium and announce one thing that supersedes the choreography here: There was really no reason for Himawari to agree to this duel. We don't know why she'd bet the information in question on the outcome of a card game, and we don't know why she'd do it at Migi's suggestion when she met him only recently. It just feels a bit awkward as a set-up for a duel between the two.

On to the choreography rant. I think most of the fault here lies with Himawari's deck, which I'm not fond of, though some of Shimo's plays are definitely rather impressively poor. Ame-no-Mihashira is kind of a lame damage guard, particularly since you can basically wall direct attacks for as long as you want if you don't leave your opponent any target monsters on the field. The Exceeds and synchros she uses really don't scream "spirit support". And then some of her card choices just seem odd- I get the myth reference but Otohime? Really? And -Gundari-? Neos Spiral Force being in Shimo's deck seems tame by comparison.

By the by, I can't say enough good things about Gemini Hero- it's a very solid E-Hero variant and as much as Shimo needs to work to avoid being pegged as a Judai stand-in to begin with, I think the deck fits him. That said, his use of it is just bizarre- he gemini summons Neos Alius against an empty field on his second turn, when he could just as easily have normal summoned another monster and tried to force more direct damage, particularly after Himawari played that field spell. He's seen her duel before since they're friends, and this probably isn't his first time playing her, so having him forget the effect of a key card in her deck just feels really awkward. He also makes a number of bad choices in his plays- Gemini Spark's target should have been Ame-no-Mihashira, period. He can do more damage swapping direct attacks than Himawari can, and he had Hero Blast ready to go if she did put something bulkier than Inaba White Rabbit into play. And no, Migi and Kagi, leaving Spring of Rebirth is not a bad idea- of the three, wimpy LP gain is the least of the priority targets.

Then there's Kin-Ki, who, quite frankly, I don't really want to comment on the balance issues of- it's pretty bulky and easy to get out for a no-battle-destruct wall, and it also blocks effect destruction twice before that effect's negated, which I can see getting pretty ridonkulous. What I found odd was the way Himawari used him- she randomly suspects Honest in Shimo's hand, which, of course, she'd have no way of knowing he'd drawn, and then rather than taking the time to make use of her currently indestructible monster and force Shimo to use Honest while she has the LP to survive it, she just rams it into a target which posed absolutely no danger to her. And then everyone compliments her on the move. Um... no. No, that wasn't really all that clever. Generally if you're facing Honest and you have the LP, the best thing you can do is force a defensive use of it, so that you get to pick which of your monsters the opponent takes. Otherwise you set yourself up for taking a punch to the face when they use Honest on their turn, probably with a bulkier light monster.

Going for game the turn he did was Shimo's biggest mistake of the game, though, honestly. Himawari had a large hand, and a spirit- heavy deck. She could negate at least one instance of direct damage. Rather than use Honest, he should have gone for minimal damage and attacked with Nova Master, getting a free draw and- more importantly- preserving Honest in his hand, where he could then use it to counter attacks on his weaker light-attributes. Since he loses to Double Attack, this is really a game-ending play for him.

Also, I have to comment on this line, which really reaches the pinnacle of awkward dialogue for this fanfic:

" "A last turn victory again..." Migi murmured. "Does Higure-san do that a lot?" "

Yes, Migi, people generally do win on the last turn of a duel. It's rather difficult not to win on the last turn, in fact.

Ultimately, I think this is a stronger chapter than chapter one but still fairly weak. Really not much else to say, so I'll hand the floor to Mikan and move on to chapter three.

I really love this fic. PLZ update soon.

So, I'm rather late to the party it looks like, but nonetheless I'll be commenting on this fanfic as well. I have to admit, Digi, the first chapter seemed "meh" and I attributed that to my recent lack of interest in Yu-Gi-Oh; but having read all six now I think I can safely say that you're really selling yourself short with this fanfic. I know you're a better writer than this, I've seen you write and RP more engaging characters than this, and I'm left kind of shaking my head and staring at the fanfic, asking "what went wrong here"? Something has indeed gone wrong here- terribly, horribly wrong. Mikan already covered all of the inconsistencies between this fanfic and actual Japanese culture in far more depth and from a more informed position than I could ever hope to claim, so I'm going to level my criticism of the fanfic squarely where my own area of "expertise" is- the characters, the general tone of the writing, the duel choreography, and the use of the tropes peculiar to the Duel Academia sub-genre of Yu-Gi-Oh OC Fanfiction.

To begin with, I am not crazy about this fanfic beginning at the point it did and with the scene it did at all. I will be the last one to criticize anyone for having a gay/bisexual protagonist, particularly an apparently closeted one. I will, however, point out that there has to be a better way of delivering that information than walking us all the way through an extended padding scene of Himawari getting dressed, where the narrator constantly tries to make the reader understand he's not perving for her or anything with the constant refrain of her curves and breasts being "slight" or her frame being "average" while simultaneously bombarding us with sensual imagery, particularly when set in the backdrop of Himawari's dream. It's really disingenuous and kind of smacks of the "she' not a sue, really!" tactic some authors take where they're careful to avoid describing any one part of the character as being attractive, and thus end up describing the character as a whole with "superlative average-ness". The scene is also filled with needless details- I could have gone the whole fanfic and never wondered what color Himawari's panties and bra were, let alone what time she put them on. In short, your description is saying one thing about the character, but the context and nature of the description says another entirely.

Even leaving out Narrator McPerviness and his drooling over poor Himawari in the shower, the opening scene of the fanfic in general adds almost nothing to the story. Himawari's dream serves as a way to let the reader know she's into girls, perhaps, but there are far more subtle ways to let on that your character is in the closet, and they pay off much more ultimately. If the dream is supposed to be a flashback or premonition, it could have taken place anywhere- even at Duel Academia. Going through the motions of getting Himawari through the morning shower she apparently wouldn't normally take and introducing her family was ultimately pointless because we change settings to the Academia in the nextchapter, meaning that both of those characters may as well have not existed from this point forward. This opening is just so much padding, and it really feels awkward.

The story then moves to the second most unnecessary scene in any Academia fanfic- the application duel. You follow the sub-genre formula, as outlined in the first episode of GX, to the letter here- the first exam the viewers see is a short duel which demonstrates the talents of a student who will become either a rival or an ally of the main character later in the fanfic. The lead character has his or her named called, and faces a proctor who generally falls into one end or the other of the examiner spectrum- either pointlessly arrogant and cruel (the Chronos end) or helpful, cheerful, and otherwise encouraging in an effort to be "original" (the Mr. Ladyfinger end). To be honest, I've always felt these duels painfully unnecessary unless we're setting up information about one or more characters which will become important later in the story. The duel's conclusion is foregone- win or lose, the main characters will progress and enter the Academia. Otherwise the story won't continue. There is no reason whatsoever to show this process unless you want to reveal something about one or more of the participating characters besides their deck, because we've all seen it before. Sometimes this opening works, but to make it work you really need to be punching the cheesy factor up to eleven and that just isn't happening here.

I have to comment on the duels in order at this point- first Tadashi Migi vs. Oheina. This is the weaker of the two duels this chapter in so many ways. Having read ahead, Tadashi has what I honestly think is my favorite deck of all of the leads you've introduced so far, so I can't fault you for that. What I can fault you for is the sheer insanity that is handing an exam proctor a deck packing Big Jaws and Aero Shark. These cards have been out for three sets or so now, and they really aren't getting any more interesting or powerful with each released set- they're junk cards. An examiner whose job is to seriously test an applicant would not run those in a deck. No sane duelist who could afford decent cards and knew how to play the game would run them in a deck. Furthermore, if you're going to use Exceeds in this fanfic, for the love of all that is savory please actually use them well. Oheina should have summoned Lancer- Migi points this out himself, and it's one of the few situations where that waste of extra deck space would have been, y'know, useful. Instead we are presented with Aero Shark, summoned when neither player had anything removed from the game and thus put on the field at a point when its burn effect would do absolutely no good. The Mokey Mokey OTK could still be used in response to Lancer- just add Limit Reverse and Inferno Reckless Summon to recover the three. Also, six cards in Oheina's hand at the beginning of the turn and absolutely nothing to set? Really?

Also, I really fail to see how Oheina was holding anything "up his sleeve" in the course of a three-turn duel. When you win that quickly you aren't holding back, you're just slaughtering opponents.

The battle of Mr. Ladyfinger vs. Himawari, however, is the duel that takes up the majority of the chapter, and in theory the majority of my review should be devoted to it, but this one feels harder to comment on. The moves, from what I've read, are a bit more solid than Oheina's shenanigans, but I really, really, really have to question some of this dialogue. Himawari and Mr. Ladyfinger's comment on the T-Set move just feels awkward and stunted because it interrupts the flow of the duel to comment on something that really needed no comment. They aren't trash-talking and they aren't being bombastic about their favorite monsters or anything, so interrupting each player's turn to comment on a double set maneuver just sticks out as padding a chapter which would already lose two cup sizes if you removed it all.

I feel iffy on commenting on your glaringly obvious Fate/Stay Night reference, in part because it'd be hypocritical of me to call you out for making the reference and then drawing attention to it as such after I did the same thing in the second chapter of Burning Red with Achan's deck. On the other hand, I think it's a tad less hypocritical if I take this time to publicly announce I think that was a mistake on my part. Making the reference is one thing, drawing extra attention to it and then driving it home over and over again is another- and sometimes characters just aren't geeky enough to make references like that work, Ladyfinger included.

I can, on the other hand, say that Archer feels hurt that the Unlimited Blade Works chant was so mangled- it's in awkward English to begin with and thus sounds weird, but in the context of a synchro chant it becomes really odd sounding, particularly since you switched gears from a lament over losing everything you ever cared about while fighting to protect it ("these hands will never hold anything") to the very shounen "fight against injustice!". There's also an element of silly here- "I have forged over a thousand blades" makes sense for Archer to say because his ability is to "trace" and create copies of legendary weapons. In regards to Seven Swords Warrior, there is no existing lore that in any way indicates he's forged even a single blade- if anything he struck me as more of a Ben Kei, collecting and wielding weapons that other people have forged. I know I'm nitpicky here, but synchro speeches are serious business.

Finally, on to the chapter resolution- Himawari's post-analysis of the game was more pointless padding, it adds nothing new and we've already seen everything that just happened less than a full scene ago. Migi's chat with his special duel monster is invoking Academia cliche #4 (The Rival with the Mysterious Spirit Card), but I'll leave that be for now beyond saying you tipped your hand rather early there. Everything else just kind of felt like the chapter meandering to a halt when it realized it had wrapped everything up.

As a last comment, you really need to increase your narrator's caffeine ration or something. He has a bad habit of falling asleep and trailing off with an ellipsis every time you begin to lapse into a flashback or change settings.

Yeah, in summary, not your best work at all. I don't know who you have beta-reading this for you, if anyone, but there's quite a bit here they didn't catch, enough to warrant several chapter revisions. I'm going to go ahead and comment on the future chapters too since there's more than enough material in them, but for now, I suggest you seriously stop and re-read. Pay attention to Mikan's comments too, culture-stomping is painfully awkward to read, particularly if you have any knowledge of the stomped culture.

Japanese culture fail here. There is no such thing as an 'important' entrance exam. Grammatically speaking, from a Japanese pov, what you just said would be rephrased as 'taisetsu shiken' and that's redundant.

'Shiken wa shiken' an exam is an exam. You do this one line down but if you're going to insert Onee-chan, make sure you capitalize the first letter. It's a proper noun.

Japanese culture fail here. There is no such thing as an 'important' entrace exam. Grammatically speaking, from a Japanese language POV, what you said would be translated as '大切試験' '大切' is taisetsu, important, and '試験' is shiken or exam. You don't need to put the two together and most people wouldn't especially not younger siblings. It's redundant.

'試験は試験' Shiken wa shiken, an exam is an exam.

Also, and you do this a few more lines down, if you're going to use 'Onee-chan' or other honorifc variants, capitalize them when you write them as romanji. They're proper nouns. 'Onee-chan' replaces the name.

Also, are you aware that a morning shower is highly uncommon in a Japanese household? Most houses do not have a seperate shower. The bathtub and 'shower' system are in a room seperate from the toilet [uchi and soto but that's another culture point entirely] and one does not usually shower in the morning. Unless they are sick, a Japanese person usually takes a nightly shower before soaking in a tub. It's a mini purification ritual. This is not to say no one takes morning showers in Japan but it's very very VERY uncommon.

I would scrap it if I were you because from what I've seen you've established a very traditional family but this is a very western function. ; It comes across as culture clashing which, when you're deailng with Japan, means it's coming across as weeabooish.

/"I'll get something on my way there, okaa-san!" With that, Himawari was out of the door and gone into the open world and towards her Academia entrance exam... /

Again, if you're going to use these honorofics, you need to use them properly. Okaa-san not okaa-san. Also, you're forgetting 'I'll see you later/Ittekimasu/いってきます！!' It is a STAPLE phrase the same as 'itadakimasu' and if you're going to neglect it for an 'Okaa-san' then Hina-chan is quite the entitled little monster. It's something kids learn early and it's important.

You're using both Academy and Academia? o.O I understand the two terms are fluid but you might want to put in some input here. Like her age. Did she finish elementary school? Is she transfering? Is this between middle and highschool?

Because your surnames are a bit...confusing to say the least, let me explain briefly how Japanese names work. The western world goes like this: FIRSTNAME LASTNAME. Japan goes like this: LASTNAMEFIRSTNAME. Names are usually written in Kanji and there is no space between words when writing in kana/kanji. LASTNAME-san is appropriate unless the two are on a friendly basis or the person in question is very out of the ordinary friendly.

Classmates will usually refer to eachother as LASTNAME-san-kun-chan depending on the last name/gender of the person in question [kun is masculine, chan is feminine. They're not hard and fast rules but they're generally how things work]

How does the applicant know the professor's name? Teachers and people of 'higher status' are NEVER referred to by their first name in almost EVERY circumstance. LASTNAME-sensei. ALWAYS. Very few exceptions! You need to state the LASTNAMEFIRSTNAME of this guy or make it VERY CLEAR (i.e. a nicely timed announcer) that Oheina is his LASTNAME.

Mr Digi, if you're going to use honorifics like chan/san/kun etc, you might want to try and be consistant. The proctor has a good chance of using -san or -chan here. 'Applicant-san!' etc. If you aren't going to be consistant, don't use them at all.

This is particularily apparent after your duel. 'Good job Applicant 57' should be 'Good Job Applicant 57-san. [It does actually make sense in kana, the romanji's a bit awkward tho, not going to lie. The reason it makes sense is because the 'Applicant' part of the counter would more than likely be replaced with -ban which is a generic counter (Japan has many MANY counters for counting things, you can't count paper the same way you count your toes) and put a -san on the end of that, it's freaking funny.] especially since not two lines later, he refers to the student as 'Tadashi-san'. The -san there does NOT make sense if Applicant does not have a -san. Understand?

I have a HUGE problem with the following segment.

"The crowd parted, and he emerged onto the stairway. As Tadashi climbed, he suddenly became aware of the young woman descending an instant before he knocked into her, quickly moving aside but too slow to prevent his hand brushing on hers. The girl flinched as if stung, but quickly recovered, glancing at him.

"Sorry... I don't like to be touched," she said softly. "I'm Higure Himawari.""

If she was ACTUALLY APOLOGIZING she would be bowing as she apologized. It's small and nitpicky maybe but it's a huge blaring culture fail. A word apology means very very little compared to a bow apology in Japan. It should be at least shoulders and head if not closer to a 45 degree bow if she's softly apologizing. It would explain her quiet demeanor AND her lowered vocal volume. A Japanese girl would not just apologize, she would bow with her hands pressed together infront of her pelvis.

ALSO.

"And as she walked away, Migi let himself shudder slightly at what that touch had felt like, heat and cold intertwined, impossibly, blinding light and dark crossing his vision. "

Two lines ago he was 'Tadashi'. Make up your mind and stick to it. If you're going to, in narration, refer to people by their first names you can or you can refer to them by their last names. Do not just randomly switch because it sounds cool. It's improper. In manga, in anime and in books, the shift from LASTNAME to FIRSTNAME is gradual. It doesn't happen in one page. This is a bad weeaboo habit and you should cut it out. ;

Why, in her head cannon, are you not using the blasted honorifcs? Migi? They just met. unless that's his LASTNAME (Which I'm not too sure, you seem to like to flip between the two display forms) he should be going by 'Tadashi-san' in her head because THEY JUST MET.

Also, Odayakana Sensehi? The lastname [Assuming Odayakana is his last name] isn't terrible but the surname is not really used EVER for a firstname because of all the different meanings it has. Like this one: 繊指 - This Kanji reads 'senshi' so I'm going to now think of this character as 'Slender Women Fingers-sensei' because you weren't clear on the meaning.

Japanese is a phonetically barren language. They do not have many phonetic sounds and most sounds repeat. They're differentiated by different characters. more common names like 'Tomo' and 'Ken' and 'Yuki' are easier to understand the meaning behind. Senshi/Slender-woman-fingers-sensei is not.

Also, as this second proctor is using honorofics, the first proctor should as well. If you don't want to come across as a raging weeaboo, you need to be accurate and consistant.

/ She was just silent, staring up into the audience, where Migi met her gaze. "What do you think, then?" /

What do you think then, Tadashi-san is the proper thought here.

/"That was a good game, Higure-san" he said.

"Thank you," She replied curtly./

For consistancy/accuracy it should be 'Thank you, Tadashi-san' not just thank you. A 'thank you' is not polite enough.

Also, again on consistancy, are you going to narrate from LASTNAME or FIRSTNAME? Migi and Himamori are both first names. Shimo is a LASTNAME. And yes, before you ask, being this constant with apparent MAIN CHARACTERS is important.

The 'Shimo Hikaru' would be 'Shimo Hikaru desu' in Japanese. Because there is no translation for desu, you should do something along the lines of 'It's Shimo Hikaru' etc etc because as it is, it's out of place and much too blunt.

Is the 'passenger' from Stephenie Meyer's "The Host"?

That's my best guess.

Also, I loved this chapter and Kagi in general! The way she stands up for things like she does, makes me wish she were the main protagonist instead of Himawari. But, I know you, and you have epic reasons behind everything.

Btw, great job on making that Obelisk Blue snob so hateable!

I have no idea about the passenger stuff, I didn't even understand that much about the scene.

Right review. I mist say I really liked this chap. The only thing that struck me as odd was that Maiya just ran into Kagi. She should know that most blues and yellows would greatly disapprove that a red would start a conversation with a yellow. You could have had Kagi walk thru a hallway and accidently bumped into Maiya or something. But that is just me overthinking stuff.

And Evil Heroes huh? It surprises me that you don't want to use them for a more malicious opponent. I can see they represent that Takeo's will to protect his sister has become twisted, but still.

Oh yeah, are Kagi and Shimo their first names or their last names? I'm a bit confussed about that.

Happy writing.

Well, Himawari certainly isn't the typical only do-good type of main character, but I like that about her. I don't know if you meant to do this, but I think some people (or at least myself) can probably see a bit of ourselves in her with the way she acted at the end - Having opinions about something but not actually wanting to take an active role in it for whatever reason.

Interesting chapter. I think I understand a little more by what you meant by breakind down a Yu-Gi-Oh! protagonist - Himawari's indifference is obvious compared to her predecessor's.

On the other hand I canunderstand the logic of her reasoning and truthfully Shimo-tachi don't need someone who lack's the will to fight for others, but I also find it strange because I got the sense she cared for her cards.

In any case I hope she break out of her shell or she'll never be a 'True Duelist'- someone who not only trust in themselves but in others and well. I think that's why Yugi,Judai and Yusei's existence shines so brightly. Great work, keep it up!

evil heroes! awww, don't use all the good cards too quickly. you'll find it harder to make the duels interesting later on. and himawari is mean! i know she has problems but still! i love this fic by the way! i really love it!

In Ch1 when Migi's remark "One of I2's designers must be a fan, huh?" at Odayakana's Field Spell - was this a reference to Bleach?

Yet another entertaining chapter from you Digidramon!

Migi certainly has one powerful deck! He brought it to the Obelisk Blue like it was nothing.

Also, I'm very curious as to who was standing near the volcano.

And what's going on with the white entity? It taunts Kagi and then silently apologizes to her and Shimo for what it so come. All of thos makes me eagter to know what's going on, and gives me chills, anticipating what is coming next!

OMG,loved this chapter so much! Glad you added in my suggestion - I found it super easy to follow the duel! Loved Junk Warrior's surprise appearance - Love that monster.

I feel the need to yell out 'Scrap Fist!' whenever he attacks. I guess since Yusei's not using him you used a different chant? Is 'Vanguard' real?

Also I'm finding it a bit hard to keep track of all the characters, perhaps you could do a character profile each chapter? One last thing, I was curios about Sirius but the card's name came up as 'Seirios'. Looking forward to the next installment!

Let me just say these two things:

1. I am very, very, VERY sorry for not revieweing your previous chapters (stupid lazy-ass-ness...).

2. You do a much better job at coming up with original stories like this than me (trust me-you'll find 6W's to be a total rewrite of the Dark Signer arc of 5D's).

Just saying. :P

this is really good. so mysterious. but why do you keep bringing up vanguard?