Nosebleed all the way batch

Ok, so I'm not trying to come off as mean, rude, or harsh. But I am going to be honest, as I am a writer myself and like honesty when I recieve reviews.

This story was very rushed. If you had slowed down, paced yourself, went into more detail, added some depth and backstory, and just took your time this could have easily been a multi-chapter work of art. Instead it was kind of cluttered, all over the place, and very hard to follow at times.

Not only that, switching back and forth bewtween POV's not only confuses your reader, but it also adds an inconsentanhcy to the story. Not only that but as a general rule of thumb when it comes to writing any fanfiction (you can find similar tips all over the internet in guides by published writers and veterian fanfiction writers) first person point of view is NOT the way to go with a long story. It is generally meant for drabbles or short one shots. This is be ause first person POV only allows the reader a certian perscpective of the story, and I can see by how you were writing you wanted the readers to get the whole picture (as you kept switching between character POV's). Rather than first person a general rule is to just use third person; this allows you MUCH more room to work with the characters, gives your readers a "whole" picture feel to the story, and allows you to tell the story as a narrative (much like you seen in published books).

I really like the concept as it is not a plot line you see too often in DBZ writing, but I was rather dissappointed in the quality of the work. I know that with a beta reader and pacing yourself this story could have been one for the ages.

Again, Im not trying to be harsh, mead, I'm not trying to flame, hurt anyones feelings, or be rude; but as a veterian fanfiction writer with over 17 years of writing under my belt, I thought it prudent to voice my opionion and honest thoughts.

I hope you have a wonderful day and happy writing.

-Chibi-chan

I felt like someone , buy someone I mean vegeta or goku, should have died in the end like a sacrifice to save the others life. Like give it a twist. Other than that it was really good

This is one of my favorites. Its just hilarious and action packed, no shoujo girly shit.

DAMN YOU! *wipes nosebleed*
you...made...me...blush! with everything! 'sexy guy' oh yes! you gave him a great name...really when i read the lemon i screamed my head off! my mom came in my room yelling "what happened!" i almost died! i said "nothing ummmm errr...it was a spider but i killed it...you can leave now dear mother" i loved the way you discribed goku's attitude...jeice thinkin of goku in that way! gosh! thank you for making me laugh! maravilloso! beautiful *claps*
P.S: no worries i know nothing of guns too.

SOOOOOOO CUTE X3

AWESOME AND CUTE!

You need to make the continuation story! It was so good it needs to continue! Good job!

This was so kawii. Aww it was a pretty good one-shot

Sweet!

Great story really cute, please write more on them.