me encanto pero me gustaría que hagas un faifnc de los bebes que sean gemelos una nena un nene onegai

Great short story, I love it.

You have MANY grammatical errors. I suggest you proof-read or perhaps invest in a beta-reader. I read the first paragraph and got a headache, not cool; which could also say you might have punctuation errors but I didn't get that far. You could double the popularity of this fanfic if you were to fix your many mistakes. Good Luck.

Jaa'ne

Awful grammar, which really killed it. Half of of made no sense at all.
Once you get the idea written down you should read through it and make the required spelling and and grammatical corrections, read through it again to make sure you haven't missed anything and then post.
Just a little constructive criticism.

oh..i can't help but say the ending is hanging on a loose thread..you should've made an epilogue or something.

god! i have to laugh when she saw his 'manhood'. she doesn't know if it can fit? lol

I remember this story! I like it! for some reason felt the ned to review again!

if only this was real 'nosebleed' great story :3

You REALLY need to edit your chapters before submitting! Some of your sentences made nosence and they also were a little clutered, but other then that I liked your diaolog and your plot! You where descirptive and the pace of the story was good!

woah~ i was just reading the first two chapter this morning and you have updted it already! it was nice, especially the 2nd chapter where naru recieved the news about mai from lin, haha, i almost laugh...

the last part though was pure lemon, i liked it though. :) can you add more:) teehee

:)

Naru was scary and romantic in some eird way, however i am glad that he also love her and saved her. i am also glad that they are together.

MAIxNARU forever!

keep the good work.

c ya!

;-)

The ending was not enough for me but all in all it was a very Good Story! :]