ya know riku should try to help more

this story is so sad but good!

awesome story. please continue.

Firstly, I would like to point out that this is great, and I liked it, but I also have a few bits of advice

For the first sentence of the story, it would help if you replace the ellipses (the "...") with question marks. It would be much more better.

Give more details on how much Sora loves Riku. And don't just say that Riku's just plain "beautiful". Give him more description and let the reader decide whether or not he's beautiful.

And also with the part where he explained that the school was under reconstruction and it looked "hideous", describe what it looked like (ex: There was no fresh-cut grass, like the brochure for the school had shown. Weeds littered the crumbling dirt. Though, to the side was a mound of fake grass that I suspected was going to be planted in the ground of the front entrance. The sidewalk was severely cracked and eroded that it was as if someone just lightly tapped it with their foot it would fall away into pieces. I gazed in disgust at the entrance. It was obviously being reconstructed, but I couldn't help but think that it looked horrible.)

Don't use the word “said” too much. A little bit is fine, but not a lot. And definitely do NOT capitalize “said”, otherwise the readers attention will be draw to it like a fly to a fly zapper.

And for dialogues a correct way to write it is (and this is how my teachers taught me, so..):

"Sora, lets go and meet your teachers," said my father in the strict voice. ( to make the sentence [not the dialogue sentence] better, make it shorter. Ex: 'my father said strictly.' It's short, sweet, and to the point. (ALWAYS put a comma after the dialogue sentence and before the end quotation mark! Unless it is a question that is being asked or an exclamation:

[ex: “Are you finished with that?” I asked, greedily eying the piece of chocolate cake.

“No way!” He exclaimed, pulling the dish closer to himself.

“Oh, okay,” I murmured.])

"Father, I'm 14 years old. I don't need you babying me," I said in a stern voice.

"Don't talk to me that way Sora!" He yelled.

"Yes sir," I replied.

Also, be descriptive to what their faces look like and what hand motions they are giving. You don't just stand there with a blank look in your face and your hands hanging by your sides when you're yelling at someone, do you? Follow human habits. Study human nature. It gives more depth to your writing. For example, give your character an irritating habit like tapping his foot when he gets impatient or is taking a test. Make his tongue stick out when he's concentrating or make him bite at his fingernails. Or tap his pencil when bored. Humans fidget and squirm.

“We walked out the door of the school and my parents were still arguing and my brother had his earphones in listening to some screamo so he couldn't hear them, but I had to sit there and listen to the entire thing. We got into the car and drove out of the schools parking lot. We got onto the highway and they were still arguing. What my father didn't realize was that the car was heading right into a truck. The car was going 75mph's when we hit the truck. The car flipped upside down and the car caught on fire! I thought I was dead...”

Would be more effective as:

“As we walked out of the school, my parents were still arguing. My brother had his earphone in, and from what I could here it sounded like he was listening to some metal music with people screaming insanely. He was banging his head to the music, so obviously he couldn't hear our parents, but I had to be here and listen to the entire argument. As we got into our car and drove out of the school's parking lot, they were still fighting and didn't stop even as we got onto the freeway. What we all failed to realize was that my father was speeding at 75 miles an hour right into a semi-truck. The last thing I remember seeing was the front and window of the car come crashing in, the glass cutting at my skin, and the seat belt stopping me as I lurched forward. Then, everything went black.

/italics/ Am I dead?”

More description Better story

Better Story More Reviews

More Reviews Happy you

Happy You Happy Me

Happy Me Fun Drunk Party of One

Fun Drunk Party of One Insane Hangover the Next Morning

Insane Hangover the Next Morning Cranky Me

Cranky Me Better Writing

Better Writing More Reviews (for me)

More Reviews (for me) Fun Drunk Party of One

See what I see? Lol

Here's a website I ALWAYS use and has severely helped me with my writing and grammar (take away spaces):

www. Waynesthisandthat writefanfic .htm

Again, good start for a story, and with minor adjustments it can become absolutely excellent!

I want to read the next chapter to see what happens!

~Jenx