This is great. Would love to read more. What a cliffhanger, poor Zane.

Hi so I just read this story last year and I tried to just except that it wouldn't be finished but I can't this story has been nagging me ever since I read it. Please I know you've probably forgotten about it but I haven't and until its finished I will not be able to move on. PLEASE HELP ME. I NEED OUT! P.S. I LOVE YOU!

Wow, that's a pretty big cliff to leave us hanging over.

Can you please finish this? It's bugging me! Or at least wrap up the story in outline form?

oh my god please update asap! I luv this fic so much and cant wait to find out what happens!

I think this story has great potential and I'd love to see the rest!

Hi,

I really love this story, i hope to see more soon;)

Kat

wow really really good. i like the Ash character and i love that Zane is jealous. more please really good.

Wow this is one awesome story! Update soon!

Amazing looking forward to more.

You shot Zane! Wow, I don't know how I feel about that. Except that it was fun to read, so okay, go ahead, torture the guy. :) And actually, given his crass comment about his date (the "not as hot as your date"), he deserved a little pain.

It's interesting to see what you're doing with all the characters. I hope they get it together soon!

So overall I am liking this story. You are developing an interesting and convoluted plot, and I can pretty well follow what's going on at any given time.

Ash is an interesting character, though I fear in Ch5 he is displaying his shallow side. It seems obvious to me that he's more interested in Jo being his lady than much of anything else, which may be how you want it, but if it isn't then... Mostly it's the narrative voice with him, his commentary to the reader that sets that up. Dropping things like him needing to get her ready to answer his question or the like would lessen that.

On the jargon, I love it. I'm not military myself, but I've had several friends who were, and a number of years ago I was involved in a long running military simulation game with a bunch of ex-Navy pilots that ran us through the ATOPS manual to teach us civvie landlubbers how to really fly. I learned many lessons about mouthing off there. But the jargon, love that! I can still talk like that if I need to and it sells the military characters. My only complaint is that you break it down before each chapter, and I would be happier seeing it explained in the story.

This is especially true for me in chapter 4, where most of the jargon is up front, I think I would have enjoyed actually seeing Jo explain those things rather than reading the brief that she explained them. Something like that would give you a setting for a really satisfying Fargo freak-out moment or something similar, too.

Now, while I can follow everything, that's not to say that this couldn't be cleaned up. There's occasional run-ons and verb confusions, as well as some spell-check proof misspellings, but they aren't killers like they are in some pieces. I know I run into this stuff all the time in my own writing, so I'm not telling you this from on high. Of late, to fix a lot of this stuff in my own work, I've taken to running it through a program with a grammar checker like MS Word. If you don't have that, Sun Microsystems makes Open Office, a free processor that operates a little different, but still has a grammar checker. There may be other programs out there with it.

Again, this doesn't kill your work at all, but it does take me out from time to time. Do as thou wilt.

All that said, I think I would like to see less attention to every character. You have good snippets from everyone, but sometimes I don't need to know what everyone involved in a scene thinks. I wish I had some really good examples to point you at for 3rd person omniscient, but most of the work I read and follow is either 3rd Limited or 1st person. It's not that omni can't be done, it's just that with some of the bouncing it gets a little hard to follow.

I hope I don't seem overly critical, because I really do like where you're going and all of the characters, and especially the cliffhanger at the end of 5. I really do like Asher and Clay, and I'm kinda rooting for Zane to be left out in the cold, but not dead.

Please continue!

And thank you for the story so far.

Best!

What's so fun about each chapter is that I usually find myself yelling at that characters while I'm reading because of the misdirections that you've written in. It's great. This chapter was no exception-everybody got yelled at, LOL. Well, not Clayton and Grace (who continues to be so awesome). Something I noticed in this chapter is to watch out for you sentence structure-there were a few spots where I think the sentence seemed too long or could have been punctuated differently to flow a little more clearly.

I always feel so bad enjoying Zane's anxiety but he needs to get it together and get serious about admitting his feelings for Jo. This is a nice journey for her though having to figure out if she and Asher could work now that their circumstances are so different (and with Zane dragging his feet). I don't know why I didn't think before that Zane was not only being set up but actually manipulated. I feel so terrible for him by the end. Things aren't looking so good, yikes. But you've got a knack for the bait and switch so I'm not even going to try to figure out what'll happen next!

Wow, love where you are going with this. Can't wait to see what you do with unconscious Zane and where this trust situation.

Another great appearance from Grace! You continue to use her in a really smart way and I wonder how their interactions might shift if the tension amongst everyone gets worse. It's painful to see the cracks forming within the group. They really are worse off when they're not working together even if they believe its for nobler reasons. I guess that's what happens when you put so many Type A's together, LOL. Jack and Henry would be able to clue in that something classified might be going on and Jo and Fargo would realize that they need to try another tactic to throw Carter off.

The interaction between Jo and Zane was fun too. He wasn't in much of the chapter but you made it count for a lot! It's smart of him to keep his game sharp with Asher around. It's nice to see how much he's being protected too (I'm sure Zane would be so shocked if he knew). And I'm pretty much game for anything that gets Jo talking about her past. This was an interesting update. I'm so ready for what's next.