So good

I like it

great story, i really like it even though there were a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but nothing serious enough to make it not understandable what was meant

thiz chapter is very, very, abramaric principal pantheon preachy

So initially I had a problem with the offsetting writing; it's a bit 'jittery' and the parting message to Cullen was far too nice for a bitter child and a demon.
Ten years later though..."kind demon". Being told as a tale in the middle of the street in broad daylight without fear of chantry.

It set a 'good' tone for the story. That's bad; it just doesn't suit the abomination premise in the slightest.

It's "Persecute", not "Prosecute".

It's too bad you never see or hear from that girl (the blood mage) again. I invited her over to my camp, but she never came.

I like your idea but I can't bring myself to keep reading. the only reason I got as far in a I did was by skipping one in three paragraphs. Your phrasing and grammar are so stilted, and you're dialogue makes my teeth ache.

Chapter 4
- as she had mastered... the time span for such a task seems to short, perhaps you could increase it
- you could try and replace the word fancy, it doesn't sound right when the author is describing something, if it was the thought of a character it would sound better, it makes your vocabulary sound very limited
- okay is to much of an english word to fit into the world of Ferelden have you every heard the word used in the games? or read it in the books? try reworking the phrase, maybe just Yes father
- Crows not Crow
- thank you Ser Roland, no need for the full name the people probably already know it, we the readers don't true however telling us his name this way look's childish. Likewise the whole dialogue makes Fergus looks rather dim, he couldn't figure that out by himself? you could remove the dialogue or rewrite it, or the last option is to make it intentional on their part for Oren
- do they need to announce why they joined the Grey Wardens and what they are good at ?
- You nearly lost it - just for to much like an american expression again not something you would hear in Fereldan.
- read news clips? what exactly are news clips? they didn't exactly have newspapers or TV's or radios back then, maybe they heard rumors
- no, Howe would never think that, ever, she is still a mage and an abomination, he would be a laughing stock and risk rebellion
- you could have had Aveline meet Nathaniel during her travels, if she traveled through the Free Marches, when she arrived at Highever and met him she could have given him a package or two from Nathaniel, a few gifts for his siblings, maybe a letter for his father, flowers for his mother's grave, Howe would remark that those are favorite kind, maybe add a bottle of wine that they both drank when she died
- Like she could walk romm filled with children and not bat an eyelash - what does this meen? it doesn't make any sense? are you missing a word or two? did you want to imply that she could kill a room filled with children?
- I go talk/ I will go to talk
- I would have... rework the phrase it doesn't make a lot sense
- Gray Warden / Grey Warden
- interesting addition to Oriana's past
- Shianni and we
- with the power Aveline has she could have retaken the castle, heck after the death of those soldiers the castle could be held and they didn't need to abadone it, just use a spell to contact Fergus and have him return, doesn't Aveline know shapeshifting?
- here's hoping she will help in retaking it later
- iy / it
- two tops / two at most.
- well damn the castle has been put through the ringer, the magic she used there would have seriously damaged the land, I'm refering to the small army of soldiers she slaughtered, did those spells damage the walls of the castle as well? their foundations perhaps?
- you could if you wanted say that the veil is weak there after the deaths caused by Howe and Aveline's spells and slaughter of the troops forcing her to return and fix the mess she helped to create. While it is true that normaly that much death doesn't cause a tear in the Veil you could use the deaths and magic as an excuse for such a thing to help expand the story
- you know now that I think about it four people even if starting out later could still get to Ostagar faster then Fergus and his army, who would most likey be on foot as well.

Chapter 5

- it good to see some of Eleanor's thoughts
- and killed her husband
- her country/ her land - her country is Ferelden
- she only has one girl, unless you want to add some angst and later reveal that she lost a child either a miscarage or who died very young
- a girl she still loves/ loved
- as she like/ liked/ hoped/ desired
- perhaps you could change the thoughts of the characters and use italic to identify them
- happen / happened
- Cailan admited a bit to freely his relation of the empress
- so Aveline has met Celene, when, how, why - she had to have met her after the change
- by the way Duncan ... rework the phrase it sounds off, passing from one conversation to another just seems so flippant, perhaps make it a new sentence
- progress / progressed
- homes/ home
- same mistake as before, Wynne is stateing facts that while good for us to know makes your writting look amateurish, people don't ramble out like that
- despite your old age
- you're repeating the words old bat

The Ten Commandments of Reviewing - created by FictionReader98 and Zoneshifter D, post them if you agree and use them yourself

1) Thou shalt point out the parts you enjoy
2) Thou shalt point out the parts you disliked, if any.
3) Thou shalt point out the parts you utterly hated and explain why
4) Thou shalt write with good grammar!
5) Thou shalt not give annonymous reviews, for the authors might want to reply to thine criticism!
6) Thou shalt not flame
7) Thou shalt write a four sentence paragraph minimum!
8) Thou shalt use constructive criticism!
9) Thou shalt review as much as possible, not merely once!
10) Thou shalt voice thine expectations

if you have time and one of my stories catche's your interest I would ask you give it the same treatment.

- Shianni had seen more of/ had instead of have
- the city was one / was instead of is
- is was still small / remove the letter a
- around rather than / add the word be
- had not changed
- I think your beta's need a beta
- rise in the tower '' you are missing punctuation marks
- and of course magic see above mistake
- couldnt't the templars use force and have the mages become obidient again or they are afraid of it triggering a conflict that would crack the tower wide open?
- Cullen was being a bit to straight forward with the information
- why mention his name right after the word you in the same sentence, you wanted us to know his name right? you could just refrase it like Greagoir since when did you have...
- um the sentence when Aveline adresses Irving and Petra sounds odd, she hopes they are doing well and then says that she sees that they are doing well.
- a medalion that he has on at all time could bite him in the ass if another mage found it, an assignments outside the tower I could understand having it with him and in the tower he must have been known by the people he was reporting to as a spy so why still carry it with him at all time? why not stash it away somewhere?
- Greagoir doesn't question how she got into the tower in the first place?
- damn Aveline has a good kill count on her
- ah well played by Aveline, it look's like that was always her plan
- to accept her punishment,. remove the punctuation mark ,
- great things are in him - sounds a tad suspicious if there are templars around and hear that they could become warry of him.

The Ten Commandments of Reviewing - created by FictionReader98 and Zoneshifter D, post them if you agree and use them yourself

1) Thou shalt point out the parts you enjoy
2) Thou shalt point out the parts you disliked, if any.
3) Thou shalt point out the parts you utterly hated and explain why
4) Thou shalt write with good grammar!
5) Thou shalt not give annonymous reviews, for the authors might want to reply to thine criticism!
6) Thou shalt not flame
7) Thou shalt write a four sentence paragraph minimum!
8) Thou shalt use constructive criticism!
9) Thou shalt review as much as possible, not merely once!
10) Thou shalt voice thine expectations

- curious as to why you are rewriting it or changing some chapters
- I think the greatest evil the world ever faced will probably be the new threat in DA Inqusition
- it was and confirmed with Wynne amd Anders that not all spirits of the fade are evil and now with the new elven mage in Inquisition it is yet again confirmed that not all of them evil, as long as you keep an open mind and not go in thinking everyone is evil you can find some good ones. In this regard congrats on the idea you pretty much antisipated Bioware

May have to reread this then. Been working on my own little projects

Hrm...well I read through a bit, and it feels a little bit choppy on the flow. Not to mention ancient all-knowing spirits are hard to work into fiction without them appearing either Mary Sue-ish, or manipulative secretive bastards.

Not sure I'm going to continue.

SONOFABITCH!

I had an idea similar to this! Now I can't read this fic until I have my outline done for fear of being influenced and unintentionally plagiarizing. Damn you and your idea that parallels mine! DX

great chapter , Keep the good writing and hope for more updates soon and Really awesome story, can't wait to read more:)

great chapter , Keep the good writing and hope for more updates soon