I like the way you wrote Lockhart

Oh I should have reviewed this ages ago! I love this fic, Lockhart was never a favorite character of mine but the way you write it is just SO good, like he is still a bad person but at the same time his relationship with Harry is really nice, I love it. Thank you so much!

That was beautiful. Simply beautiful.

'"Harry, how could you?" Ron demanded the minute Harry came out of the library.

Harry wondered just how long he had been standing there. He, Hermione, and Neville had been doing their homework in the library for the past two hours. Normally, he'd have done it in his common room but Neville and – more to the point – Hermione were in different houses. "Talk about déjà vu. Is this about me having been sorted into Slytherin again? Because I thought we talked about this."

"Do you really think that will ever be settled, Harry?" Neville asked, amused.

"If nothing else, Ron has to let it go once we all graduate," Hermione said reasonably.

Neville snorted. "That's almost adorable."

"This isn't about that!" Ron claimed. He paused. "Well…it sort of is but only a little."

"Is it safe to say that every problem you have with me will in some way involve me being a Slytherin?" Harry asked, resigned.

Ron nodded. "That's a good bet and if it's not, I'll make sure to mention it."

"What is it this time?" Harry inquired.

"You said that-" Ron cut himself off and looked around suspiciously before continuing in a much quieter voice. "You said that Snape was your favorite teacher."

"No one's going to attack you for repeating that," Hermione told him, rolling her eyes.

"You never know," Ron disagreed. "Why would you say such a thing?"

"Because he is?" Harry asked rhetorically, deciding that telling anyone what his real motivation was would be too much of a risk for that information getting back to Snape or Dumbledore. Telling Ron would be a horrible idea either way as he would promptly denounce the plan as Slytherin and therefore unacceptable and he'd start worrying about Harry again. Loudly and frequently.

Ron laughed. "Please, Harry. Snape's nobody's favorite teacher."

"The Slytherins all seem to adore him," Neville pointed out.

"That's different," Ron said after taking a moment to digest that. Apparently he had honestly never noticed this natural result of Snape's blatant favoritism. "They're Slytherins."

"So am I," Harry pointed out.

"But you're not a real Slytherin," Ron said dismissively.

"I know that you probably intend that as a compliment but it's really not," Harry told Ron, a bit annoyed.

"I'm just trying to protect you here," Ron assured him.

"From what?" Harry demanded. "Being a Slytherin?"

Ron nodded again. "Yes, that's absolutely it."

"It's a little late for that," Harry pointed out.

"Never let it be said that a Weasley gives up easily!" Ron declared. "Unless, of course, we don't want to do whatever it is we're attempting and then it's a bloody miracle we even started."

"Ron, you're being really unreasonable here," Hermione told him seriously. "Snape is a Hogwarts professor and therefore he can't be that bad."

"Hermione, I hate to break it to you but the man is pure evil," Ron countered, equal solemn.

"Funny," Neville remarked casually. "And here I thought that label was reserved for the Dark Lord and people who use muggle pesticides."

"He was hired by Dumbledore!" Hermione exclaimed.

"So was Lockhart," Ron retorted. He glanced sheepishly at Harry. "No offense."

"Why would he take offence that you keep insulting everything he is or cares about?" Neville asked rhetorically.

Ron shrugged. "Percy kind of insisted that I apologize if I say something like that. But that's not the point!"

"There was a point?" Harry asked, beginning to get a headache.

"Why are you claiming that Snape is your favorite teacher?" Ron demanded.

Harry opened his mouth to answer.

"And don't just tell me that he is," Ron continued quickly. "Tell me why in the world you're under that delusion."

"So he can't really be my favorite teacher?" Harry demanded. "It has to be a delusion."

"That's pretty presumptuous of you, Ron," Hermione agreed. "Does he have to have the same favorite teacher as you?"

"No," Ron replied. "Just as long as it isn't Snape. I mean, how am I supposed to save him from being evil if he insists on doing a thing like that?"

"How do you propose to save him from being evil without that?" Neville asked. "I mean, it's not like you really do anything but occasionally accuse him of being evil anyway-"

"That's quite enough of that," Harry said suddenly, dragging Neville away from Ron. The last thing he needed was Ron to actively attempt to 'save' him.'

Right. This is a essential part of the 'Hogwarts experience' yeah?

Why is that hat singing?" Zacharias demanded. "Hats should not sing."

"I'm with you," Harry said with no small degree of surprise.

Zacharias glared at him. "It's a lovely and time-honored tradition, you heathen."

Huh?!

Well, that was simply delightful.
Lockhart was perfectly in character and did not get any power us or other enhancements - and still managed to win. A very good work.

Honestly? Aside from Sirius’ being innocent now something that everyone knows, and thus the far better choice for raising Harry, both with being able to give him a magical upbringing and knowledge of the darker arts, Gilderoy is probably a good choice. Just because Lockhart himself has no talent doesn’t mean he can’t get Harry all the books and tutors he needs and then claim he taught him everything he knows, thus proving that, if Harry is so talented, clearly so too must Gilderoy be.

is there. a sequel to this?

What an awesome, fun story! I really enjoyed reading it.

Ok, just WTF is going on in this chapter?
There is the utterly confusing mis-conversation about Sam beckett and Godot (and quantum leap, and...)

Then there is Draco, covered in blood and feathers. For the THIRD TIME, but he didn't consider it worth mentioning before? Draco? Who both in canon and in your story is a bit of a neat freak, who does **not** like the sight of blood? That Draco woke up repeatedly, covered in blood, and DIDN'T MENTION IT!?

So the tom riddle in the diary manages to possess Draco, make him kill off the roosters. Even after the Basilisk is dead. Surely you cannot claim that the possession is strong enough to completely control Draco, access his memory of where the roosters are and how to kill them, yet it is too stupid to notice that the Basilisk is dead?

That... simply does not fly.
Not even in a parody.
Not even in a silly slapstick satire.

Snape must REALLY WANT Harry to misbehave.
After all, if he is already punishing Harry for absolutely nothing, then what is there to deter Harry from misbehaving? It's not as if he will be punished any more, right?

I loved the part when Draco came running in covered in chicken blood!

dumbledore "and i run a school in my spare time"

Just that one statement, there, should be enough to convict a person of a great many charges of fraud and child abuse.
The dropping an infant off on a doorstep with a note, in the middle of winter, and NOT CHECKING UP ON HIM, *EVER*, is just the cherry on the cake.

I find myself on Lockhart's side in this. Petunia and her husband DO NOT WANT Harry. Dumbledore would be cruel to force them to play at being a family.
I can pity Sirius and Remus, but I do think they could have tried harder instead of treating Dumbledore's word as law. They were the Marauders! They couldn't have used their infamous ingenuity?

I should have known that Rita Skeeter and Gilderoy Lockhart were natural allies (as long as they both benefit).