Aww I would have loved to read the original chapter 10. I have read and re-read this multiple times because I love the way you write this :D

Very good. It's nice to see a realistic enemy for once. Most SM enemies should be able to curb-stomp the senshi, and fail to do so out of idiocy and internal strife.

I more or less agree with the previous poster that the description of the generals/colonels where not very good, other than that the story is very engaging,

since vita is trapped in the time/space whatever, is she eventually found by setsuna?

For some reason when you write about the police I can understand it better than the villains (see note from previous chapter about that). I guess because I know more or less what police look like? Something to think about and it was on my mind a bit.

About the girls talking about their respective families finding out about their double lives... Usagi's mom is an interesting case. She knows something is different about her daughter, and it's very evident in the manga, especially in the end (well, Ikuko, Kenji and Shingo actually end up being brutally murdered so if you went with that there wouldn't be much of a story...). Ikuko is a very good mother to Usagi and seems to be very knowing, which is surprising that she hasn't made sense of it all yet. Perhaps there was some help from Luna-P with that one.

I think that your negative take on all the parents is a little too harsh, much like I think Saeko is taking things too easy. I think if you want to go with the perspective that Rei's father only wants justice, you should back that up a little bit more, rather than it being just a passive remark. I'm saying this if you chose to proceed with that one. Those are jut my lowly opinions, take them as you may.

This was on my mind since the beginning of the chapter so I'm finally glad that I got to the end to say it, since I think it's important.

When you talk about the new characters, I get confused. I don't know if it's because there wasn't enough description or what, but they're a little bit indistinguishable from one another. That make sense? I don't think it's bad that you wrote new villains, on the contrary I find it interesting and I'm curious how you are going to explore this more with how they relate to other canon villains (Galaxia and Beryl, but I guess primarily Beryl since she was directly mentioned in your story).

I think maybe I'll pick a little on Saeko, maybe not because of your writing about her, but how she's acting. She acts way too cool about the whole situation in my opinion and what bugged me is that Ami is trying to talk to her about the incident the night before and she walks off to go to work. Now I'm not a mother yet, but I think I can put myself in Saeko's position. She hasn't missed work ever, she's put her career over her relationship with her daughter and not even twelve hours ago she finds out that deep down, she doesn't know her daughter ~at all~. First thing she does? Drops her life for work. I don't know if a mother would really do that. *shrug* I think it's always a good thing when your characters are likable, especially protagonists. At the moment it almost seems like she's an antagonist.

Non-story wise there were some words that bothered me. Your use of "totally" was one, I believe. Like this one~ " But Setsuna couldn't totally deny it to herself however, both of them were worried about the precedents and the concerns on how it might affect their futures. " I d k, but most of the time, if not all, you are writing in a more formal tone, so this sentence could do without it.

I loved Setsuna's comment about the ears, it sounded just like something she would say I bet.

So yeah, uaaahhh I think that's about all the constructive points I have for now.

Hey,

I've already discussed some of the issues I have with the battles and villains. After thinking about it, I don't know if I'm the best to judge them as I've never been too drawn to action scenes, whether written or otherwise. Those are obviously the hardest for me to get through. Keep in mind when I read Harry Potter I skimmed through all the Quidditch scenes. O_O;; Perhaps I ramble.

Anyways, I think I'm going to critique the latter half since that's what I found the most interesting in how the deal with Saeko finding out about the identities of a few of the Senshi. The explination they all give her could use a little work. What bugged me the most was the word choice~ activated. I don't remember if I'm remembering dubbed dialogue or not (I can get confused sometimes and it's been about a year since the last time I watched SM) but I remembered them referring to it as "awakening". That's perhaps being picky. Somehow Minako saying activated is a little bit out of character? I don't know, doesn't seem like a word they'd use?

How you explained it to Saeko leaves a lot of holes, and should probably focus more on Ami. Also, Saeko did not see Haruka nor Michiru transform, so they could have possibly kept their identities a secret still. What seemed off was the disjointedness of the story of how they came to be. The story about Neptune and Uranus is a little more complicated then the henshin sticks falling into their lap. Remember in S when Michiru kept pushing Haruka about their "mission"? Episode 110 goes into detail about Michiru being awakened first. Haruka is awakened during a youma attack; that's when she first transforms. And it's not like it was an accident that they moved to Tokyo. It was following their mission. They use that word all the time, "mission"...

The very last scene though I think you did well, I read in your author note that you were concerned with the corniness, but it didn't seem corny at all to me. I suppose Saeko is a very reserved person, maybe moreso than Ami (probably because of the circle of friends Ami has to open her up). I would think that as a mother she would show MORE concern for her daughter's well-being. Also, come to think of it, also as a mother she would question the line where they said that they were born into these roles. Thoughts may go through her head about "is she my daughter" "am I her true mother" etc. Those would be LEGITIMATE concerns she would have, especially because there is no other close family in the picture. This is just a woman's perspective :P Take it as you may.

I'll try and read another chapter sometime next week. Toodles Imac.

~~

Hey hey hey! I finished the second chapter!

Okay, nothing seemingly wrong with canonical details, except dates. Pokemon came out in 96 and I do believe that Usagi and company are in 8th grade in 92-93, so I'm unsure if it would place pokemon in with 18 mos after the battle with Galaxia. I don't really know, its half past one so i may just be off the deep end.

In formal writing I would avoid using contractions. Its a tad distracting and makes reading disjointed. In speech it's fine, of course. I would also reccomend different word choices to avoid the same feeling of sloppyness. you're telling a story, you aren't chatting to someone casually.

There was one major error I saw (maybe I'm wrong) but somewhere you flipped scenes and I got way confused. there was about two small paragraphs of minako, ami and saeko shopping then flipped to the outer senshi without a line break. Way confused.

capitalizations, comma splices. Commas aren't your friend, I'd just avoid them because when you use them the sentences become huge, run-ons that have lost the original intention of the sentence. when in doubt just use a period.

I think you should have spent time describing your villians because they are all the same

to me. spend a little time developing them with apperance so I can visualize them more easily when I read and I'm less apt to skip over them.

alright, I'm done. hope this will be a nice surprise for you when you come back from your (more than probable) nap.

~love ally

better late than never, eh?

So you know your gramatical errors. I suggest a beta reader to fix them because you know your own eyes don't catch as many errors as a fresh set. The first part with the girls talking about christmas was difficult to get through; that's where I stopped reading yesterday or the day before because the sentences were run-ons or lacked proper structure. HOWEVER I did become interested (srsly, not just sayinng this) after I got over your grammar problems (there were also a few very minor misspellings).

There were portions that seemed to run on. not quite run-on sentence but maybe a bit of a ramble (considering who wrote this~ no surprises P).

overall my favorite part was the interaction between Ami and her mother. I didn't think I would be if we're playing truth time but you captured it very well. I like the small details.

best wishes and I hope you find my words helpful and constructive~

Ally~*~

Great plot, awesome story D

I still have some problems with it...especially the grammar and such. What probably irked me most was that names were often accidentally not capitalized and the proper format for quotations [some kind of punctuation before the end quotation (comma, period, exclamation mark, ellipses, etc.)]. Usually, I would immediately just not read the FanFic, but this was too much of an intriguing plot for me not to finish. And near the end, it was more about wanting to find out more.

Another one? The rating. I honestly don't think you can pass this off as an M. The only reason I could think is that you might be too much graphic violence, but I really didn't think so; thus I would rate it T.

I really do love how much you explore things, mostly Ami & Saeko's feelings. It's much unlike the very shallow other FanFics, and it was honestly a great read.

You had me so into this story until the transformation phrases. Why do you Mercury and Venus using their R an S phrases and not their SuperS and Stars phrases when this is set AFTER the defeat of Galaxia? And why are Uranus and Saturn using phrases they never had. The proper phrases should of been:

Uranus Crystal Power Make UP!

Saturn Crystal Power Make UP!

Mercury Crystal Power Make UP!

and

Venus Crystal Power Make UP!

it is 2:23 am...

i finished the story! youpi!

thanks for the great work.

"She had feigned complete forgetfulness when it came to asking why she was kidnapped at all, but the investigators understood on that score and it was never brought up again." ha? i could have done ith their point of view in this case.

""I guess I can't beat the real thing" Hiroyoshi admitted as he admired the figurine through the plastic box." Oo :)

i am just wondering why chiba didn't even telephone or usagi raves about it , specially for christmas, but in all im rather glad he's not here , so forget it.

"By the end of the third minute of the battle, Sailor Mercury had won against all six auto-troops and achieved an all-time record for destroying enemy targets."

wohoo! never anger a senshi!

a little too easy in contrast with the other fight , but alright... go mercury!

scrolls traps! wohoo! (again)

i like when the senshis win.:)

"Just dandy…only had half a ton dropped on me" uranus really needs to stop eating sweets.:p

"…its time to help our friend" yea... i thought you forger about that.

" uncaring for the wellbeing of the common people"

duh and his own slaughter was alright?

the explanation the general gave was very necessary to the story in my mind.

'What's a temporal hammer doing in the garden here…' talks about finding a spike in a hay sack.

ô fate...