I would love to see that story portrayed as a movie! I suggest we call it: Yin Yang Yo! Family Is Forever

it should of been carl

nice

Good job. I think you did a nice job combing the action and romance in this story. The OCs were likable and the ending was nicely done. It was a good story.

Ha ha ha! Yang just kissed his own triplet sister! That was hilarious!

ass

ass abuse

I agree with Driving with Whiskey. Cartuneslover, I could do a much better fanfiction with my eyes closed. You need to grow up and take some fucking criticism otherwise people are gonna think you're weird. Your characters are OOC, it's too cutesy to the point of me wanting to throw up and you constantly ignore the "show don't tell" rule. Cartuneslover. You are a HACK!

Normally I'd read the entire fic first and review it all in one go, but with this, I don't think I'll be able to. Not because of its length but because I'll have to reread it for my notes and my head hurts too much for that right now.

I'll come out and say it: I hate this fic. This is your only warning, proceed with caution.

Alright, so it's the first chapter, set right after the episode everyone in this fandom has seen by now, and yet you explain what happened like we haven't. While I'm a firm believer in the 'show don't tell rule' (like every writer should be), I will admit, sometimes exposition is necessary for readers' context, if only in small, well-spaced chunks. Here, it simply is not.

Speaking of the show don't tell rule, I feel I must remind you of it. Things like "her hands threatening to create fire" didn't need to be flat-out spoken. "The fur of her paws darkening as a vermilion glow began to seep over them," would work much better, because it infers that she's threatening him with Fire-orbs as well as adding description. Readers like to use their imaginations, the least you could do is help them out some more.

Another instance of poor-description would be "ginormous monsters terrorized left and right, smashing shops, causing fire to the streets." Character and setting description can be done either of two ways: you weave fragments of it into related action sequences, or use one info-dump and then never again until the sequel. (Personally I find the former better, but hey, to each his own.) When you edit, it's best to enter the story as a new reader and read it aloud. Ever tempted to skim? Does anything sound awkward? In this case, does the wording conjure up too many different images without enough specifies?

One more thing that makes your prose plebeian is the constant and tiring dialogue tags. "Just become Mom [because in this use it should be a pronoun] was entitled 'most beautiful woman in the world' doesn't mean you'll be next," Yang insulted." Clearly what he said was an insult, so why must you add a tag?

Or another: "Oh, that was hardly humorous..." Yin told him dryly." Knowing Yin, we can infer that it was said dryly without the modifier. Modifiers for dialogue should only be used when they add something new to the phrase they work for. For example, "I can't believe my mom's sending me back to Alaska!" Joe told her cheerfully," would have a properly used dialect modifier. From the phrase alone, the reader infers that he's saying it with dread, yet is proven wrong.

You use ellipses excessively. "Lena closed her eyes...and the next thing she knew...she was pushed out of the way." None of those three phrases feel as though they need to have omissions, not even for emphasis. (Why didn't she move herself outta the way?)

Now, we have the meat. You're introducing a new character into the fray, however, right off the bat many things are wrong. Bi. Is. Human. There are no humans in canon, except for the episode "Yin Yang You," which hardly counts, constituting only Lena's species to the universe. Yin and Yang would not try to immediately befriend this girl, they would be having fits! Don't you remember how they said the human world blew chowder?

I also severely doubt they're going to find what is essentially a hairless ape attractive, because again, they live in an all-antros universe.

Neither one of your FCS are interesting in any way, shape, or form. Gem is the perfect mate; Bi is the perfect daughter. I understand a desire to have your FCs universally liked, still and all perfection is just boring and obnoxious. Don't think that I hate your FCs because I'm biased, oh no, I don't mind FCs at all if done properly. If I was biased, I never would have clicked the link in the first place. If you want more information on how to improve your FCs, read this: ( fullmetal-phantom.d)( /art/The-)(Guide-to-Fancharacters-179901908).

I would not use litmus tests, personally, because I once plugged myself in and came up as a Sue, blasted things.

The birth of Bi is defiantly going onto the list of "stupid shit I've read." First, if she's a triplet, she would've been removed from the womb at the same time Yin and Yang were, that's just plain ole' logic.

Plus, Ti and Chai wipe Yo's memory, but not hers? What? Dead or alive, it would have taken more than a few doctors to drag them out, being Woo Foo Masters after all. *And tigers.* They left Yin and Yang out in the middle of nowhere? They're going to take the chance that the twins are picked up by slave auctioneers, starve, or otherwise? Gem would assume that, because Yo is happy to not have commitments after he forgets her (like many normal men would), he'd never be able to fall for her again? Again, your logic is abysmally and indefensibly absent.

Welp, that should be it right now. For closing, do I think I know absolutely everything about writing? No. We all have our own ways of doing it, some more right than others. Do I think you should never write again? A score over, no, I wouldn't have even bothered with this in-depth review if that was so.

You have potential, Cartuneslover, and I have read some more of and liked other works of yourn. Were they amazing? Nah, however I am a follower of the theory that it takes at least 100,000 (or, better, ten years of penning) bad words for the good to flow out, a goal everyone on this site is steadily creeping towards, and if we can have someone to point out some of the flaws (however much of a pompous bitch they'll admit they are), well, maybe we'll get there just a bit faster.

(For the record, a writers'-help website I would recommend would be HollyLisle's homepage; she's a professional, unlike I. For videos, you may want to give MelinaPendulum a try.)

Laters.

Would it have killed them to have ONE panda child! JK! I just love baby pandas!

This sounds really good!

You have heart in your story that many others don't...it seeps through the words and into the soul. Good job

This catches the spirit of the show well, and I had to laugh at the fire department line...lol

that was a sweet ending :) and i want to poke that baby sitter! XD

You should totally do some more of those YYY fanfics; they're good...