walker?

I'm sorry, I'm not sure how I found this fic but I'm dropping it here.
Her mother knew exactly what monster she left her kids with. If she went into a police station and told her story with all the bruises to match, no judge in the world would leave kids with that man.

You wrote her with trust issues that take a long time to solve and for such shitty reasons she forgave her mother. I skimmed through the next chapter and looks like she is moving back in. I have so many problems with this chapter alone and can't take the rest of the story being the same.

I going to stop ranting now otherwise I never finish. I'm sorry if you ever read this, I guess I'm just getting to old.

Loved your story , now favourited!

This story is badly written. Maybe do some editing? Good general story line though.

Paul Walker ? Lahote?

Ok I really wanted to read this story but I must stop now.
The story description sounded interesting (abused girl is often to find but they can be good)
But after reading the chapters till now I must stop. The main character's history of abuse is not really convincing. Aswell as her relationship with Paul. (His surname is Lahote not Walker btw) After 10 years of abuse and rape from one of your parents you act diffrent. And if you have a bully since nearly five years you don't just accept his apology -that comes out of the blue- and after two weeks start a relationship. And Love is really, really farfetched. I really wanted to read this fanfiction because the plot would be not that bad. But everything works out way to fast, you rush through the plot in no time.
Your writing is also not the best, there are a lot of errors.
Maybe edit it before uploading or search for a beta who can help you with that. The idea of the songtexts is nice but not if it is longer than the chapter itself. And there are a little to much.

Okay, no. Just no. You don't just forgive 10 years of abuse because your undead mom says she's sorry (which I'm not even sure you wrote that she did, I'm too mad to let this sink in) and that she would have taken her kids if she could've. Sure she feared for her life, and sure she promised to come back, but honestly what the fuck? This treatment of the severity of the whole situation is just insulting nearly to the point of insensitivity. I'm angry, I'm trying to be constructive about my criticism, but this is just- NO. If she couldn't forgive Paul for 'lying' to her, how can she forgive her mother for letting her live through all that abuse KNOWINGLY with an "Oh yeah, we're cool" ? I was looking forward to going on and reading this whole fic, but I can't get over this point. I don't even know if you'll ever read this review, but goddamn, I don't even have words for how terrible this just made me feel. It was just extreme. Alright, critique over. Shame it was written off like this...

I tried to like your story. I ready tried. But, I just can't get passed the way it's written. It's moving too fast and it's just not well written. I think if you slowed down, and made sure to proof read it might be better.

Alright... Wow gonna go full on bitchy right now.

Story line is good. Writing style? Horrible. You don't specify who's talking, your use of language is elementary and the fact that you don't use paragraphs really sets off my inner grammar nazi. After major editing, this could turn into a really good story but at the moment, i kind of don't want to continue on (but I will, because I want to see what happens)

Oh and the abuse story line seems really fast paced. You literally say that Sophia's being hiding the abuse from everyone, but within the first chapter someone finds out about it (btw why would your OC randomly strip in someone's bathroom?)

Before I start reading, I like the story line and stuff.

But.

I literally cannot comprehend the fact that you named Paul Lahote, Paul *Walker* (why?) and the OC Sophia *Strawberry Fields*... I don't think there's a more Mary-Sue name than that :') Other than that, I have high hopes for the book.

I may sound really bitchy, but I'm actually more amused than anything lmao.

Paul Walker? Really? His last name is Lahote not Walker

The idea behind this story is great.
The actual story...not so much.
In fact, can honestly say that it is horrible.
The writing, character development, and plot format all really really terrible.
Extremely one dimensional.

I love that song it was really cool

Isn't his last name lahote? I got really confused while reading this part because I didn't know if you meant to make 'walker' his last name or just didn't know it in general

You r correct we want him to die.