Wow! The story just keeps getting better! I can't wait, to keep reading! I really like the suspense and the way you set up the chapters. My heart races when something remotely "dangerous" happens. I think this chapter is really sweet. I like how you had both Kay and Oliver "ask for favors" before Oliver asked her out! I also, like how Kali is coming along! I like the names you came up with. They're creative.

By, now you probably have more than one story up on

Point One: I just wanted to say, you shouldn't switch tenses. For example:

INCORRECT: He grabbes his bag and walked to the train.

This in incorrect since grabbs is present and walked is past.

CORRECT: He grabbed his bag and walked to the train. OR He grabbes his bag and walks to the train.

Tense is very important. Make sure it matches.

Point Two: Make sure your word choice makes the sentence flow. Also, the use of synonyms of "said" should only be used in context and when they add to the quote.

Your sentence, “But we grew up hearing about that from our parents!” he explained, but realizing that it was hopeless to try and stop him from reading that book, “So, any sign of Malfoy?”

It would be better this way, "But we grew up hearing about that from our parents!," he exclaimes, but he realized his efforts to explain were hopless because it wouldn't stop him from reading the book anyway, "So any sign of Malfoy?" he inquired.

Flow is as important to the story as who's telling it, tense, true to cannon, or character pairings and scence structure. Flow is what gives a story life. And your story has lots of life! It's just at some points that it gets confusing.

Ponit Three: This is what you wrote, “That Aunt Ginny married Uncle Draco? Why yes, I do find it quite odd and thought she had better sense than to chose that slimy…. OW!” commented Will till Rhiannon smacked him upside the head.

This is an alternative: "That Aunt Ginny married Uncle Draco? Why, yes I do find it quite odd. I thought she had better sense than to chose that slimy... OW!," exclamimed Will after Riannon smacked him updise the head.

I think it's funny you've made the Malfoy's and Weasley's related. I don't know if all three are related or not. But it's the same thing with flow.

Point Four: You wrote: *She had been gone for a long time and isn't coming back* he thought.

Just for reference ** are used for actions such as *smack* *slap* or *slam*. They are usually located in beginning dialouge that some authors/authoresses use to introduce or make an interesting lead for a story. Thoughts, when they are expressed in writing are usually in single quotes '' and are italicized. But you do wonderfully with putting the commas inside the quotation marks.

M... What else?

I really love how you have mystery and suspense in chapter one. That's a great technique. And it's pretty well written for a first sory submitted. My first story was ten billion times worse! I have revised it at least seven times. And if you find any of the above errors in my fictions Deja Vu? Phoenix Feathers, Through the Reflections, or As It Happened call me on them. It's only fair. And you don't have to read anything I wrote if you don't want. Loved the fic!

OMG OMG OMG! your story was AMAZING! i laughed, i cried, i was un able to put it down. keepe up the INCREDIBLE WORK!

Very good story! I liked chapter 2 best and 43 the least beacuse that's where it ended! My name is Kali too! (It sounds like callie though, I hate my name.)

Please email me & tell me what happened to Kristina. PLEASE!

irishchic799

I'm so glad Kali is alive! You've got to finish everything about Kali or I might just have to kill you(joking:).

irishchic799

Wow! You pulled the old switcheroo on us! I didn't see that one coming!
Are you going to continue with, or should I look for a sequel?

i love this story...it is so many different stories in one, it's great! i hope this isn't the end though...what happened to Kristina? Awesome job!

I LOVE it! That was the PERFECT ending. It just screams sequal, right? Please?

cool, really cool

hellO! Wow! wat an amazing story...now I've actually been a fan since perhaps the begining and then lost the link to the story and recently (maybe 6 or 7 chaps ago) found it again...All I firstly have to congratulate u on finishing this masterpiece of fanfiction! Its taken over 2 years...now at the end u wrote "Not the End but the Begining" Will you rite a sequel?If you are or arent please email me thankies ! I hope you are riting a sequel!

I LOVE it! Is there going to be a sequal? Please say PLEASE! That would be an awsome place to end and start a sequal! And even if the plot is only the recovery of Kali and evoryone, and no "bad guy" action, I would read it. I really want to know what happens to everyone! Plese? :(

Omg! That was so good! aw ! U is it the end? cuz i'm not sure lol...

finally! but his mum...? too bad. but still good.

*stares in silent shock* Uh...umm...wow? That was unexpectred to say the least...maybe she's being mind controlled? *hopes and prays* I wouldn't have believed it to be possible. I'm just...gonna go think. *wanders off aimlessly*
Lotsa luv and reviews,
-Wolves