This is very good Jen! this shuldv'e definatly be in the book

EEEEEp! Wonderful story omg I love it and you need to write more you should win that contest.

Not too bad.

Firstly, though, it's really short. Aim for a thousand words per chapter, okay?

Next, I couldn't really picture what was going on. A bit more description would help. Was there a moon that illuminated the trees, was the sky starry, or were there clouds in the way? You had about two sentences of describing their surroundings. Remember, if you do not mention it, it doesn't exist in the mind of the reader, which basically makes your characters interact with one another in a white featureless room.

How does Max feel about teaching Dylan? Annoyed? Happy, sad, tired... The list goes on. When Dylan fell to the ground below, did Max feel worried or smug?

The characters' reaction to something is important. For example, you don't remember what you did at school during Math because it was so dull, but you remember having to perform a play in front of your school because you were so nervous. Characters have feelings too, and remember that.

Also, italics for thoughts, in particular the Voice's and Max's responses to the Voice.

Overall, there's potential. Keep writing.

-VIP-

I like it! You have a shot for the contest. You should do good.