This is so sad, I was hoping Olivia was alive somewhere. . This story is well written, kudos to the thoughts and effort you put into your stories!

That last sentence...that everything...THIS was my favourite chapter of fanfiction, ever. I have no more words. "...and perhaps there is, in this strange way, some mercy to be found in life after all."

This is really good. Hate the fact they found Benson dead but I really love how you wrote this story. Stabler's grief and struggle was very well done.

This is HANDS DOWN..THE BEST fanfic i have ever read. You capture the personalities of every single character SO perfectly and it was just simply beautiful. Through the whole story i had tears in my eyes because through your writing I could feel EVERY single emotion everyone was going through. Once again great job and I can wait to read more of you stories! :)

This was a really good story. I liked it alot.

I have to admit I had trouble reading the end of this chapter because my vision blurred. This was incredibly sad, and I believe it's your best chapter yet except for maybe the ending of "Lost". I knew it was coming from the start, but that didn't change a thing.

Olivia is gone, but she can't be to Elliot. Not like this. There should be thunder and lightning, no sting of absence that will continue even with certainty (although it will lessen with time, I'm convinced that it does). It can't be as simple as her falling over a chair many years ago. As a reader, I share Elliot's denial in that moment.

And yet, there is a hint of acceptance. "The trees around are silhouetted tall against the sky, long branches bare and almost empty from the winter, with a green brush across them that is merely a hint, a promise of things to come. Of a purpose, somewhere." There is hope.

However, this hope is compromised or at least conditional, at least on the pretence that she is always there, always watching. Elliot can't let go completely, but is he not doing so indirectly through his acceptance of the facts and conscious "pretence"?

Still, she has to keep him together. Always, or at least for now. Women are always the safekeepers of Elliot's sanity, as you said - Kathy will keep him grounded in life, Olivia in memories.

I love the simile of Elliot being pulled out of frozen water, but dying of hypothermia. He will not die, but it sure feels like it. The flow has come to an end, and at the same time the static state of uncertainty, or not knowing. There is certainty now, and it is all over, just like that. He has to re-orient himself towards a new focus. He has to warm up and feel the loss again, because now, there is no more possibility of "what if...". He creates this fictional life for himself now, knowing that it is not real.

There is also a relief -although a sad relief- in the other characters. I'm glad you didn't have them go to see the body, didn't really address the funeral. Elliot can't go to the grave. The toasting seemed much more like them.

This was an incredible climax to the story and, as always, very moving. You're good at that, at drawing readers into the story and creating empathy. There was no cliche in your use of seasons and weather, either. Very beautifully written.

Still, we have just lost Olivia... :(

So Olivia's dead. :( Sad, though not unexpected. I'm assuming that's what was in the letter, and that the old woman tried to shield him from it. The endless possibilities are gone; it's almost a fact now. Feels so empty.

But if she is, wouldn't Elliot have reacted more strongly? Or is he? I'm still intrigued what he will do next. What he will do now that the battle is over.

You conveyed his exasperation at Hartman's unwillingness to fight back at the end. You have no ammunition against a dying man once you have appealed to his conscience, and a soppy pretence was impossible to Elliot after all this struggle.

I was ready to give up -you had me fooled there- until she handed over the letter. I'm glad she did. I admire this old woman, and as readers, I believe we've really come to feel for her throughout this story as she has been so tangible. She is hurt, but strong as well. Poor woman. Who knows what else she had to go through during these last few hours.

Hartmann must have taken a lot of Tylenol for this to happen after it's gone unnoticed for a few days! It's not very common for someone to succeed using Tylenol, but I was impressed with your research into the medical background. It provided the perfect background for the "dying hours", which would have seemed unreal in another context. The concept has an air of "showdown" to it, but you pulled it off well and kept the story as credible as possible. I think that's pretty tricky.

Now I want to read the letter! Soon, please! :)

Oh, very good observation: "It is always women who keep him whole, who hold him together." YES, ELLIOT!

Oh wow, he died.

So this is what "rock bottom" looks like for Elliot, or at least yet another rock bottom. I felt sad at his grief, but I still think it's good that he did drift from numbing, hiding behind a role, a dissociation, a ghost of Olivia or even his rage, to feeling the pain of the loss. He needed to feel his grief and sit it out this once, without drinking or just DOING anything in general.

And just as I was hoping that he would release some of the tension he's been holding and get out of bed (taking a step, then another step), there's the flicker of hope again. I so hope it's not in vain this time and that Hartman will explain.

Personally, I think it's good that he exploded on Hartman. He does have a need to find out the truth, to know what happened to Olivia, but he also has a need to face the one who did this to Olivia and also to him and express his feelings. He needed to get that out in the open. At the same time, Hartman has a need to face up to the consequences of his actions, which he will probably never fully do. Both Hartman and Elliot have to block out some things to survive - with the difference that Hartman would have more to feel guilty for.

"As they carry your guilt, for being men, for not being there, for not being able to fix it all. You think you won't be there while those girls cry in their arms, or tremor in fear?" "

That was so nicely expressed. Very true. I hope that at least a small part of it gets through to Hartman.

Maybe he, too, has a need to talk and relieve his conscience this way, although he can't hope for absolution from Elliot.

Exciting chapter. I think it's interesting at the beginning that Elliot has to go to prison to escape from the prison he has created for himself. He's almost literally burying himself in that basement or other places, dissociating through the unreal contact with Olivia. You convey this meaninglessness well through the series of short, basic sentences and external descriptions. I'd maybe go a little lighter on the language in the emotional descriptions sometimes, although you do them so well, just to keep their effect. I think it's great that you describe what Elliot experiences internally, but if everything is described as a colourful emotional catastrophe, it's too easy to get used to it and desensitize. It might be more effective to be selective about when to use the strongest kind of language, but maybe that's just personal taste. I've only really noticed it now after many chapters of what was basically this story.

My favourite section is definitely Elliot connecting with Kathleen. I'd been waiting for something like this. I love how you keep the dialogue realistic. This is a very emotional conversation for both Elliot and Kathleen, but they can't express it all and hold back, as people do in real life. A lot passes between them non-verbally. It's such a bittersweet moment. I especially like how Elliot can't speak when he's moved by what she says because he might cry, or simply because he can't find the words. That is so true. The description of the love suddenly overwhelming him, the real spark returning for a moment, is also powerful.

Finally, we get to see Hartmann again. Well well well, Elliot has certainly found his weak spot. Was he angry! It might have damaged their rapport, but I doubt that Elliot was getting anywhere by simply befriending the man. He's pushing him, and he's finally getting through his defences.

That said, I do feel sorry for the old lady. The letter she writes is so beautiful and "heartful". Elliot needs to consider her more. She may be his weak spot, but she's already being tormented by this enough without his inference.

Okay, on to the next chapter...

I wonder who it was.

Oh wow I wonder what happened.

There is a certain impatience about this chapter which mirrors my impatience as a reader, a certain frustrating slowness that mirrors real life...but there is also progress. Hartmann is gaining more of a profile as a character, and Elliot really may have found his weak spot. Furthermore, Hartmann's reaction to Elliot leaving, his uncertainty that reflects part of his fear of abandonment, shows that he is actually building quite a good rapport with him. Hopefully, this will lead somewhere in the end.

If it weren't for this frustrating end, that is! I hope Hartmann didn't complete suicide or ended up in the hospital unit because of some injuries, or got moved somewhere else. That would be annoying now that we're getting closer to the truth (or not getting closer, but under the impression that we are).

I think the background story to Hartmann is plausible, and his clinging behaviour in his relationship with his ex wife, his reservations and avoidance at the same time, interesting. Raping does give him control of people and violates them in the most intimate way possible. Perhaps it's a forceful attempt at intimacy, and his victims will certainly never be able to forget this, abandon this event. He appears socially awkward in his daily life as well. I still have a feeling there's more to it than that though.

Reading this, I felt so sorry for the old woman. It does make me wonder whether Elliot isn't being a bit cruel to some extent. Then again, maybe she would simply be glad to get any attention/visits at all. She seems lonely and she's had a hard life, to see all these people go before her (Hartmann, too, is "gone" in the sense that she has to relinquish him). All she has are sometimes painful memories.

Meanwhile, Elliot is still struggling with his competing urges of wanting to be (or maybe just to appear? not sure...) better, to be "normal" again, and wanting a resolution. Sometimes, however, it's implied that he knows that a resolution doesn't necessarily equal peace, and that he knows that a resolution may never occur. Sometimes, this outward struggle between letting go and keeping up the hunt seems like more of a struggle between life and letting go of reality, giving in to destruction. He has to be very careful not to get sucked in when he goes for his visits, not to get sucked in in general.

It saddens me to read of Elliot's constant imagining of Olivia's presence, but I can relate to why he does it. It gives things a meaning, a purpose, keeps her close to him and alleviates the loss. At the same time, since Olivia is a product of his mind, he watches things from her perspective and therefore watches himself from the outside, dissociating from the emotional impact of the experience. So she is also a defence mechanism for him. He reflects on this feeling of watching things as an outside observer, his emotional distance from his family so often. I hope for him that he can find a way to be more grounded in his everyday life again, connected to his own emotional experience and connected to the people close to him. I do believe that getting answers and being able to close the "why" question eventually would help him with that, but I also think he needs therapy - which he will never seek. Feelings of derealisation and isolation are "normal" (not that this helps) with grief and may have protected him at one point, but I think right now, they are doing him more harm than good. Even if the pain would get to him even more, I think that allowing for the positive experiences as well and the actual, felt closeness of his family would be helpful.

Bottom line: I hope we do find answers, although I'm finding this searching behaviour intriguing to read! One of my professors at university, who was a bit of an old school psychoanalyst, taught us in a course about the effects of early life emotional deprivation. Very interesting, but one day, he told us of his experiences working at a home for severely disturbed children/adolescents, who had been through the most horrific kinds of experiences and now seemed unable to form interpersonal attachments of any sort. These kids often showed violent/cruel behaviour to others as well, and some weren't able to empathise in any way at first. Anyway, he once told us a story of a girl who had lost her father early, without the circumstances of his death ever being properly explained to her (she thought her mother had murdered him). This girl would often inexplicably disappear for hours or even days, and would never tell anyone where she had been upon her return. She couldn't explain why until one day, she simply stopped. There was one psychoanalyst (I've unfortunately forgotten his name!) who wrote about this behaviour of "wandering" and searching in people who had lost their parents early, and not fully processed the loss.

Your story reminded me of this in respect to both Elliot and Hartmann.

I hope you update your other story next, as I'm somehow yearning for some "real" Olivia now!

This was one intense dialog. The first part seemed like a continuation of what was before, of Elliot's obsession where he is starting to get himself to hallucinate, his need to be completely immersed in the past and connected with her. I thought it was interesting how he felt he could innoculate himself against sympathising with Hartmann by connecting himself more strongly with Olivia.

The second part was the more interesting, novel part for me. Fin was very in character, but tough as usual. Elliot and Fin have never had an easy relationship and although they may be closer now, Fin still doesn't let Elliot get away with his crap. What he says is really harsh and hurtful, and it makes sense that it would break Elliot a bit right now when he lets the words sink in - but maybe it is necessary. Fin seems like the only person who is not afraid to speak the truth, who doesn't tread on eggshells around Elliot. I also think it's great that Kathy has finally spoken up, but apparently, this is not enough. Fin's harsher kick may be what is needed. Or not.

I hope for Elliot that, even if he does carry on searching for answers, he gets his life back together. Goes to see a psychiatrist if this is what is required. It might do him some good! Goes back to work. Goes back to really being with his family, and not just pretending. As much as his grief may have broken parts of him, he must get back to...something. To at least existing as he did before, like Kathy suggested.

On the other hand, I do understand that it would be a lot harder when you get so close to the truth. I just think that Elliot confuses truth with relief here, relief from his pain, answers. I'm still not convinced that this would be the case. I think he would lose something, some drive that has kept him going, something he has been holding on to these past few years. He would feel empty and probably disappointed that the story of her disappearance is so "ordinary". He might still not be able to let go. Maybe it's the hunt itself he needs, not necessarily the kill of the prey. Not sure if he's aware of this.

Intriguing! I hope Kathy doesn't leave Elliot.

Fin had a good point.