This story was fantastic! I hated the fact that it was canceled. This story has been on my mind since I read it, and not much sticks with me quite like this did. The story was rich. I just wish you would continue it. Either way, great job!

Ugh, those reviews I did were bad in every way. Don't

pay any real attention to them.

Oops, typo. A very bad one.

-I might as well criticise you for pseudo casting-

It should sound like this:

-I might as well criticise you for your pseudo casting-

Could've easily PM'd you, but don't you think this deserves another review, don't you think?

Sorry. 's having major problems and it's almost nearly unusable.

I remember reading this story a month or two ago. And to this day, it's still one of the only fan fictions I've ever read from start to finish and actually enjoyed reading it.

Okay, I admit it. I am a HUGE sucker for fluff (which does wonders for my self-esteem) so that's one reason why I liked it so much. Another reason is because well, this idea hasn't really been done before. A take on Wolf's backstory. I don't know why there's only what, five of them out there, considering Wolf's fanbase... probably another reason is because there's a much, much deeper meaning to this story than just a sad story about Wolf.

The most important thing to a story like this is to make it feel realistic. And guess what: that's what you did here. There's that "everyday" feel to it but at the same time, it almost feels unreal. You've done a perfect take on what Cornerian City is like. It's futuristic, very innovative, can easily fit into the current canon and best of all: it's believable. I'd try to change it a bit to make it even better, but I can't... I can even pretty much imagine what Wolf's neighbourhood looks like.

The characters are great as well. I might as well criticise you for pseudo casting but I just can't here. Jenna's an extremely likable character and Verne, even if he does have a few holes in him is still a very fleshed out character. And of course Leon's the crazy one. But doesn't Leon envy Wolf? Unless Wolf somehow managed to be such an awesome pilot it even impressed Leon, I just didn't really get Leon here.

Such emotion... I'm going to cry now...

But there's one important thing you need to work on before I can call you a great writer.

Note to narrator: SHUT UP! YOU'RE ANNOYING! Seriously man. Let the story tell itself. You don't need a narrator yapping his face off, explaining every scene to us. This basically means: show, don't tell. For such a good story, the narrator (and I'm not lying here) is one of the worst I've come across. Not only does he talk non-stop, he even sneaks in cliches every now and again.

-It all started with a picture-

It should begin with showing Wolf looking at the picture.

I'd say more, but my internet's pretty much crapping out on me. It's a pain to write this.

Man, do I hope this story gets continued.

Take care.

Getting better, getting better.

You're still overdescribing the emotions a little bit, that is, your narrator getting in the way and stepping on some toes. Try not to let the narrator compare one emotional state to an earlier one within the story. Readers are intuitive enough to pick up on the differences, if you've written them. Also, bland words like "emotional pain" don't really deliver. Try using more densely packed words to describe an emotion, or even try the metaphor method. Examples: "foreboding", "bleak," "gathering storm"; and others. Try bringing a little more vocabulatory color into your narration, it's all kind of gray and washed-out still.

The paragraph just before the flashback isn't really necessary. It's fairly obvious what's going on, and you don't need to give a preemptive recount of the past when the flashback is right there.

Other than these little bits, it's overall coming along nicely. Keep it up.

I remember this chapter.

There wasn't a whole lot to it before, and still isn't much now. Mostly just a brief intro to everyone's favorite sadistic lizard: Leon. That's really the only problem with this chapter. How significant are the events here going to be later on? If it was only supposed to be a minor hint of things to come, it maight've been better to attach this conversation to a larger chapter, rather than allow it an entire little chapterette of its own.

Still could use some work on the dialog, where it got confusing to who was speaking a couple times. Other than that, good work.

I am most definitely seeing improvement.

I'm still not all that big on the song lyrics thing, but that's a personal issue, and I'm not going to bug you about unless you really want to hear it.

The biggest thing I'm noticing in this rewrite is the control you have over your narrator now. You used it very well to set up a visual scene; nothing too fancy/distinct, a choice that seemed to be made to emphasize the character scene, with as few outside distractions as possible. That method works well with the narration style you're going for, that sticks inside the characters' heads. The only choice I'd caution you about is how the narrator freely jumps from one character's head to the other, and spits out what's on the mind for everyone to see. What this does is essentially cheapens he dialog. It means the readers are simply reading around what the character is saying, rather than drawing something from their spoken words, from the choices they make. I would highly recommend that you at least consider confining the narrator's mental omniscience to a single focus character during a scene. This allows some degree of mystery, of allowing the readers to consider the possibilities for themselves, to anticipate the other character's response filtered through a specific focus character.

That's what I got.

By God I'm in love with this story!

Getting better.

Your narrator is definitely still the centerpiece of your storytelling voice, but you're doing a pretty good job routing him through the minds of the characters first. For what you're going for, that's good; the more that narrator is pumped though the characters, the more those characters will be carried to the readers in turn.

A few things that caught me off-guard:

The transitions are a little jumpy at a few moments. Multiple times in this brief chapter I had to stop and think, "okay, what just happened? Did I miss something?"

Something that'll help a lot is if you keep your narrator pinned to a single focus character for the chapter, or at least for the scene.

If there's one thing so far that I'd say you still need work in, it'd probably the staging. That is, give the readers the location, keep track of everything in it, and make sure the image you have in your head gets onto the page and back into the readers' heads. When it's time for the narrator to be done dwelling on thoughts and feelings, you need to be ready to place these thoughts and feelings in the tangible context of the setting.

Seriously though, good work. Keep it up.

chaos_Leader.

I see you're doing the rewrite thing, it's a popular tend these days; I'm dong it with Legacy, Jaslazul is doing it with Six, now you're doing it with Canis.

It looks like your narrator is still going to take a fairly dominant position in your storytelling process; that's alright, especially now that the narrator at least seems a little more colorful this time around. In these wide open expository moments, there is nothing at all wrong with leaving it totally to the narrator, but when it comes time for character interaction, I hope you'll put a leash on your narration, and leave the action/interaction to the characters themselves.

So far so good, I'll be keeping an eye on this as you move forward.

very well written,

you manage to convey more emotion in a short chapter than some do in a hundred pages

keep up the good work

wow i cant even begin to describe how much i loved reading the chapters you have uploaded so far! haha its extremely heart-felt and touching and one of the best fanfics i have read. i really look forward to reading the rest and if you could contact me at to let me know that you uploaded another chapter then i would be really gratefull for it! keep up the fantastic work!

First, I refer you to my previous review for this story ca. 10-18-2010. Everything I said there and then still applies here and now.

For this chapter in particular, I am supremely underwhelmed at how you handled the opening scene. If Verne is in a drunken stupor, then put him in a gosh-darned drunken stupor for crying out loud! That scene could have benefited so much from a more gritty, visceral representation; put the readers right there in the room and make them experience this domestic catastrophe for all it's worth! The way you have it now is like trying to watch a game from the back row of the stadium, with a spyglass turned the wrong way around. This cold, unemotional meandering way your narrator is voiced makes the audience feel far, far away, and almost completely detached from the actions; thus the emotions are equally detached and distant.

You label this and "Angst/Drama" fic, but quite frankly, I am not even feeling enough angst and/or drama in this story to fill an emotional thimble...

Come on! Once more! This time with Feeling!

Nicely done Korn. Then again, i think i read most of this before it was posted LOL. Either way, a great chapter, not too much, and not too little and you still manage to get the point of the chapter in there.

Great song too LOL

Anyhow just keep it up man...

The Footsteps in the Darkness ~ SkullFox

Argh, dude, still way too much telling going on here. I’ve pointed it out enough times over the course of this story; you need to learn how to show.

The two appeared to share their musical tastes, as they both enjoyed all of the same tunes. Wolf appreciated this because he knew that when dating someone, it was always key to get on the good side of their family. When he and Jenna first started going out, Arthur tried to find flaws in Wolf, but in the end he realized that the young lupine was a bright kid who treated his daughter with utmost respect.

Two complaints here. One, why do we need to know that Wolf and Arthur share musical tastes. It doesn’t really contribute to anything, and if you did want to include that there was a much better, more illustrative way of portraying it. Secondly, the way you describe Wolf is just too out of character. I don’t really see Wolf as being disrespectful to women, but there’s no grit to him in this story. I have a hard time believing that he would turn from a straight, model person into a space pirate over the course of a few minor conflicts with his father.

His voice sounding more and more frustrated. There was no more time to waste, Wolf had to intervene. He turned the doorknob, and entered his fathers room.

I don’t understand what’s going on here.

Wolf didn't immediately register what was going on, but after a quick scan of the unkempt room, it was obvious what had happened. Across the room laid a semi-conscious Verne, sprawled across his queen size bed, laying face up. He was mumbling something, but it was too faint for Wolf to decipher. Littered around the room was a number of empty beer cans. He couldn't be sure how many there were, but he was positive that it was at least eight.

Wolf ran back towards the kitchen, opened the fridge, and then the bottom drawer, which normally would hold a sixteen pack of beer, the drawer was empty. Turns out that Verne had in fact left his room to walk a whole twenty feet over to the fridge, and twenty feet back to drink the night away. He knew his father downed a few brewskies from time to time, but this was too far. This only made him even more irritated than before, but he couldn't let his emotions get the best of him. Wolf knew that this was serious problem, and that his father was losing the battle, but he wouldn't let him lose the war.

I could not feel any drama or any emotion here. So what if his father got drunk? People get drunk. That’s not really a dramatic moment, and the fact that you glaze over it so quickly only dilutes the moment even more.

I don’t understand why he went to Jenna’s house only to return home not much later. Like, I get that he wanted to go there, and that working in the character’s daily life with the plot is important, but it didn’t add anything. It just gave him something to do while he was not worrying over Verne.

The angst is starting to get really annoying. I feel like the story is running in very small circles. The plot hasn’t gotten very far, and what little progression you have is stuffed into the periodic angst that permeates every other chapter or so. I think that you could have accomplished what you did in eight chapters, in four. There is no need for there to be so much angst. There’s no need for the plot to be so slow. So many of the events aren’t taking us anywhere.

I’m sick of Wolf crying/almost crying. His angst doesn’t hinder his articulation, though, which is very odd. He seems to be able to remain completely together regardless of what’s happening. I find that very unrealistic, and it very much contradicts what you describe. How can he be on the verge of tears and practical and objective at the same time? It doesn’t really fit together, and he’s not had any experience that would really give him the ability to suppress his emotions like that, or at least remain clear-headed. That’s not a trait you are just born with.

And dude, his father is like, absolutely pathetic. It’s really annoying. I understand being under pressure and having a rough life, but as a male figure, as a father, you’d think that he’d have somewhat of a backbone. I understand the booze; that happens to men sometimes, but the crying and just shutting wolf out like that… It just doesn’t really seem to fit what I think a father figure is. It’s obvious that Verne cares for his kid, so why would he behave so immaturely? It just doesn’t add up. Your characters need consistency.

"Each morning, when we wake up, I think we should spend our breakfast talking about our thoughts and what we can do to make some cash on the side. I'll keep an eye on you, and you keep an eye on me. How's that sound?"

I get that this is your story, and you’re allowed to take certain liberties, but you’re taking Wolf in the complete opposite direction of what he actually becomes. Generally, discussing “feelings” is seen as a feminine trait, and it sounds more like a suggestion coming from a therapist or a wife rather than a son—a seventeen year-old son no less. Wolf is at a point in his life where masculinity is a very important trait and discovering his identity as both a person and a man. I don’t think he would suggest such a feminine idea. Really, the more masculine approach is to state the grievance out loud, perhaps in a more forceful way.

I don’t want to sound preachy, and I don’t want to define masculinity or what it means to be a man. I’m trying to look at this from an objective point of view, keeping in mind the ideas that society holds for masculinity. At his age, Wolf may conform to some of those societal ideas. Not to mention the fact that since he lacking a mother he’d be less likely to conform to a more feminine sense of reasoning.

This could also be counted in with the inconsistency you have with your characters.

Your voice as a narrator is much more solid now, I have to say. You convey ideas well enough, though, like I said, you do way too much telling. So much emotion is lost when you just glaze over things like that. I feel like you’re trying to stuff too many things into your chapters, too, and much of it is wasteful. Trim your chapters. Get to the meat of the story. Don’t worry about word count, or page count. Just write the story. This is a mistake I made when I was writing my star fox series; in fact, a lot of the things I’ve outlined in this review were also mistakes I’ve made: telling, character conflict, scenes that didn’t need to be there.

Keep what I’m saying in mind. I don’t want to repeat myself. If you want, you can message me the plot outline on facebook and I’ll work with you to perhaps trim it down to a more concise model.