I hate you so much.

Interesting and fun to read story. I am really happy that I found it.

Very interesting chapter. It is complicated but explain a lot of things and make lots of similarities between canon and this story much less galling.

I hate it when authors censor their own profanity. We’re reading a story based on a series where people are regularly ripped in goddamn HALF. We’re not going to mind a “fuck” or two.

Because only difference between three of them is personality, mistakes are understandable. I am curious how will scientists react when they learn about twins.

Because of umbrella, I think that Nyu is some sort of mastermind and Kaede is only personality that lost memory.

Girls power have incredible medical potential with right knowledge probably can even treat genetic disorder.

I was expecting Nyu power to awaken because of kidnaping.

Lucy lost because she was alone.

I hope that we will learn not only how she knew but also why she didn't do anything to change it.

Maybe Diclonius are superior, physical competition was obvious but things like chess.

So Lucy have her own body too. On one hand she can act directly now and is much more dangerous on other Kaede fate isn't connected to hers anymore and after Nyu awaken her powers it will be 2 vs 1.

Story look really interesting. When I learned about her past I wasn't surprised that she grow into who she was and wondered how small change could affect her life. I was expecting her to awaken power earlier and save puppy but mother arrival may be even better. Bullies may be hit with karma harder than in canon. Death was brutal but so fast that they probably didn't know what have happened. Here they will live with knowledge that "freak" have family and they don't.

First of all, well done, you have created quite an amazing story. Despite it's many, many flaws, I managed to get through all of it! After reading it, I'm unable to put take it off my mind so I felt the need to write a essays worth of a review, even though it's REALLY old and you've probably improved lots since then.

Overall, the story started out top notch, but the more I read on, the more I felt like the writing got lazy, convoluted, downright stupid with overall lower quality than it started out with. It is a real shame because for the first maybe 30% of the story, I felt like this was SUPERIOR to the original story in every way, but then it got a lot worse very fast. I am going to review the problems I had with the story, so that you can improve it if you decide to look back and rewrite it. Most of it is top notch though, many awesome and emotional stuff in here!

1. The way this ascended being speaks and is explained is unnecessarily pretensions and convoluted. Why is this thing helping Lucy? If it's not God, why does he care? Keep it simple, stupid. Since we already know that the Christian God loves everyone, it already makes sense right off the bat and doesn't need further explanation, so why not just roll with that for the sake of simplicity?

Why is this thing helping LUCY of all people? Why does he create a universe that revolves completely around her? Does he do this for everyone? Is it to teach her a lesson that she can be a better person? If so, why is she scolded for sparing her father (which by some BS reason creates Lucy) when showing mercy was the entire point of her second chance? How can he create infinite universes but not keep them stable, just for the sake of drama?

All the pieces are there for an amazing story, which is why I stuck through to the end even when I had to facepalm at the stupid parts and almost gave up. You kind of messed up by making things more complicated than they need to be. Have the entity just say "Yes, I am God" or "I'm your guardian angel". You should realize that God in this story is simply a plot device to tell a good story. No one should care if you want to call it an "ascended being" because this isn't a sci-fi story in theme, it's a story about redemption, right and wrong and duality, it is a religious story by definition. Ascended beings work great in Stargate, but when you're trying to tell a personal story about redemption, make it simple and familiar. Look at the Divine Comedy, or a Christmas Carol.

If you do want to explain it, here's how you could have done it in a way that feels way less convoluted. God says he will give her a second chance, like in your story. But later, he explains that the reason Lucy and Nyu are separate beings in this world is because during her lifetime her soul (personality) was split in three parts. Once a soul is created, it is eternal and he refuses to destroy it. The souls are linked together but now separate entities. Kaede is the soul of the original girl that grew up in the orphanage that just wanted to be loved. Nyu is another soul born from the guilt in Kaede but grew into her own person because of the memory loss and head injury. Lucy is a soul that separated from Kaede during her trauma and became one with the Voice, fully embracing it. Since he decided to give a second chance to Kaede, he has to give a second chance to the other souls she gave birth to, that are linked to her. And so, they became her biological sisters.

Another thing I might have done (although it's not necessary either), is make the DNA Voice the literal voice of Satan himself (and his demons). I would have God explain that he created the Diclonius race as a GIFT to mankind, and that they are in fact no different than any human in spirit. But in the Dicloni, Satan saw an opportunity to destroy mankind and all good in the world. He is not omni-present like God is, but because of the destructive power of the Dicloni he decided to focus ALL his resources and demons into tormenting and tempting these individuals as much as possible. He was forbidden to take their free will, but that didn't stop him from personally manifesting himself to them as a Voice in their head, filling their heads with hatred, temptation and contempt for mankind, twisting their minds to justifying murder for even the slightest injustice. It makes sense to add a religious theme to the Voice rather than a biological one (DNA) since your story already deals with the afterlife and religion.

This idea would suggest that Dicloni are in fact exactly like humans (even humans can hear the Voice, this is something Kohta points out in the manga), but suffer more temptation than any human does, simply because they are targets of Satan because of their power (absolute power corrupts and all that). Satan managed to create a cycle of mistrust and hatred between the two races, and uses all his means to keep it going by tempting the Dicloni, always pointing out the flaws of mankind, making them blind to the good.

But this is where the heroes of the story get to shine. God created the Dicloni as a gift. With their powers, they were meant to spread good to the world. Protect the weak and innocent and heal those in pain. This is EXACTLY what Kaede does in your story! God would tell her in the end, that the Dicloni are capable of either great good or great evil. When they are shown God's love that is manifested through the love humans show each other, the Voice holds no power over them.

2. For the reasons explained in the last point, the thing about only one of them being allowed to exist feels like a complete asspull for the sake of drama. There's no real deep thematic purpose, it just feels cheap. Nyu, Lucy and Kaede are in every way their own person in this story. The thing about the "entropy of the universe" hinging on the life of one person just pulls you out of the story for how convoluted it is. If you want the theme of self-sacrifice, just have God tell Kaede, "In all outcomes, only one of you will survive. Who it is is up to you". Then have events play out how they did, simply because it was the only way to kill Lucy. That whole "entropy" stuff adds zero to the story if you really think about it. Plus, if Nyu and Lucy were then reborn into their own persons, wouldn't that destabilize the universe again? Too messy...

3. The sense of morality in this story is sometimes pretty insightful but at other times, it often come across as juvenile (though I am sure you might agree with me now that many years have passed). You're not a righteous or good person just because you refuse to kill, that's a very childish way of looking at things. Kaede left a guy in a state of pain that would render him unable to even move or experience anything BUT pain and more hatred for the rest of his life (if he survived). This makes Kaede even more of a sadistic monster than Lucy.

Kaede also causes organ failure to a person, essentially killing him (and if he managed to receive organ transplants, then she also killed whoever might have gotten those organs in his place). She did this, even though the right thing would be to simply press charges against him, since they already had a very strong case, being the legal guardians of Mauyo. I'd even accept if she castrated him using her vectors, not to cause pain, but to make it less likely for him to assault anyone in the future.

You don't seem to understand that righteousness is not about punishing the wicked, if it was then you should always start with yourself. It's about protecting the innocent. We have prisons to rehabilitate and to keep the innocent safe from dangerous people, not to just to punish, that does no good. If a person was simply too dangerous, then it would be better for Kaede to kill them instantly than to kill them slowly just to cause as much suffering as possible. If that person can be isolated in a place where he can't do any more harm, then he deserves that chance at redemption just as much as Lucy/Kaede did! Read a Batman comic or something, they bring this up this dilemma often.

Your story also suffers from the same problems that the main show does: everyone who is not friends with the main character is a complete asshole psycho. For crying out loud, there's only so many psychopaths you can run into in one lifetime. WAY too many characters here are evil for the sake of being evil. Like that guy in the end who had a severed Diclonius in his bag. The way the writing took a nosedive there, I was 100% convinced that character was just a parody, I couldn't help but laugh. The dialogue was essentially written like "I love being evil! My favorite snack is human ears and I eat babies! Now to go burn down a hospital!" Wtf man? Don’t know if that guy was in the manga as I only read a synopsis of it, but that’s still terrible.

Leaving that disaster of a character. You seem to be under the impression (or at least Kaede is) that the scientists on the island are unquestionably evil. I think you're forgetting that most of the Dicloni held there were already serial killers (not all though), so for people like Lucy it is nothing more than a very well-deserved prison. And a lot of their poor living conditions has to do with the fact that they can't get close to the prisoners without getting diced. They don't chain them to tables because they love torturing little girls, they don't really have a choice. To them it's either these girls or all the girls on the planet. If they had a way to disable their vectors at demand, living conditions would be MUCH better. Sure, they would still shoot cannonballs at them for science, but let's just be reasonable here, many scientists were shown to feel sympathy and guilt for everything.

All of that were the big thematic problems I had with the story. Here's the some of the minor problems:

4. This story starts out so damn strong. Kaede being reunited with her family, fighting the Voice, learning to see the good in everyone, trying to fit in and becoming a hero that protects the weak. Superb! Loved their initial struggles to fit in to society and everything that happened in their first school. It felt real for the most part. Up to this point I was hooked and couldn't put the story down for a second. Then the problems came...

At some point, everything just turned into a cliché-fest of dumb high school anime drama without any real message or point. The whole fan clubs and anime cosplay nonsense became a bit too much. Winning against every club just made them seem like Mary Sues (Nyu was the weak link in the chain and should have caused them some losses). How the hell does Nyu win against a national chess player? I'm good at fixing clocks, but no freaking way does that mean I can beat anyone in chess. I guess Dicloni do have better reaction time and multitasking but that does not necessarily translate to intelligence, especially seeing how Nyu can't even use her vectors and is pretty much a retarded child in the original show. Would be better if Nyu lost (but put up a decent fight), joined the chess club, and THEN could beat everyone in chess!

This nonsense High School drama stuff went on for WAY too much of the story. I'd say it was necessary to show the role Kaede chose by being a protector and hall monitor, because that has a purpose thematically. (I was hoping Kaede would grow up to be a respected cop, which would make it difficult for the Kakuzawas to capture her if they found her by then). So you had the right idea, but you could have condensed it and toned it down a notch or two. And that whole gang rape thing is usually a lazy and untasteful way to tell a story, could have went with something more creative or left it out completely.

5. Tone down the anime crap (sorry for being blunt). The purpose of fanfiction is often to improve the source material. Nyu groping people is something that would only happen if she was below Forest Gump levels of retarded, and even then... it's still stupid. Trust me, you will write better and more immersive stories if you write more based on observations of how people behave in real life. I see what you're doing with the whole "person is pointing their index finger together when they are nervous", that's anime. In real life, a normal display of nervous behavior would be scratching your head, or rubbing your hands. Just a small tip that can make it feel more real.

6. You committed the greatest sin of all, you had a love triangle! (half joking). But then you committed the greatest sin of greatest sins… You know what you did and shame on you for taking the lazy and nonsense way out. When you can't resolve a love triangle through good writing? Bigami!

So much wrong with that, and not just morally. I mean it is especially disgusting since you implied even incest, (I know the original had a cousin relationship, but that is more fair game everywhere except Europe and America, if just a bit gross and frowned upon). But morals aside, what a lazy way to resolve a conflict that could have been solved in a 100 better ways. It’s just escapism nonsense at this point. Here's an idea, how about actually giving Kohta a personality, so that he can feel attracted to one over the other based on their personality (seriously, he's even more bland here than the original, how did that happen). Now he just comes across as a horny teen who doesn't really give a damn about their personalities other than "they're both hot and their both nice, if I play my cards right..."

It could have went either way, and you chose the laziest and least meaningful way. In the source material, he loves Nyu more like a little sister, and the reason is that she reminds him of Kanae, so that relationship is more platonic (or should be, otherwise, he's a creep). However, he did fall in love with the girl he met in the forest as a kid, before she turned out to be a psycho. Seeing as Kaede isn't a psycho here, that suggests he should have went with Kaede in the end!

OR, you could have went with the idea you already played around with, that being Kaede having the maturity to sacrifice her selfish desires and doing what's best for the ones she loves. OR how about Kaede realizing that while she does love Kohta, he isn't the perfect messiah she always thought he was. The point isn't that Kohta is a actually a jerk or anything, but that he was simply the only one outside her family she ever trusted. She could realize that he ISN'T the only one on the planet capable of showing love and kindness. With that realization she let's Nyu and Kohta be happy together, still loving both of them with all her heart. But now that she has faith in the world and humanity, she knows that she WILL find love, if she just gives everyone the same chance she gave Kohta, the same chance/mercy the God-entity showed her by giving her this amazing life. She is now completely rehabilitated by extending the love she had for Kohta in her last life, to the rest of the world.

THAT is how you handle and end a love triangle my friend! Kohta can remain the indecisive idiot he is. Just have Kaede tell him she will always love him but he's just too immature for her, so he's a better match for Nyu. With that, she gets a new positive outlook on life, let's go of her obsession and starts being more social with other people, including other boys. Seriously this was the only way it could end. Otherwise she also comes across as a massive hypocrite for telling Yoka to "deal with it", when she herself can’t “deal with it” . Might as well include Yoka in their fucked up relationship at that point...

7. You weren't really obligated to follow the story of the anime/manga at all. Everything became very boring when it caught up with the source material events, at least compared to what was before. A completely new storyline would be nice, like I said, maybe a time-skip to adulthood with Kaede being a respected cop and having to investigate the murders that Lucy are committing after recently escaping. Then it could turn into a crime thriller, where her investigation leads to her uncovering the Kakuzawa facility, her police department butting heads against these government spooks etc, her becoming a suspect in her own investigation.

Not blaming you for not coming up with that though, just a cool idea I had. All things considered I still think you handled the alternate events of the manga in a pretty good way, and I know it's easier to follow pre-made turn of events. Even though the whole "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE" thing was dumb, I still found myself feeling really depressed when Nyu died.

So overall: Amazing story! But could be better. I hope you might feel inspired to use my suggestions and rewrite the story. Otherwise I might feel tempted to do it myself (even though there's a 98% chance I wont). Would also be nice to hear what you thought of my ideas.

Dawww! This chapter was soooo cute (if you ignore the bully fight of course. Lol)!