Veri n1c3w65st0ri4E

Okay, your story line is good, though the story is way too fast, and very abrubt. Especially when you had Rachel/Dusk give her story. It's really overwhelming when to basically give tons of information to the reader. Try to be a little more subtle.

Also, you give details about the people, but never really the places or what they are doing. And try putting paragraphs in when you're doing long explanations. They're easier to read than huge chunks of text.

I do like the idea you have for the story though and will keep reading as long as your writing it. (And yes Rahzel's outfits are totally adorable. I would love one too!)

~Wolfen Princess