First, good on you for sticking with it and finishing the story! :) I wasn't a big fan though because of the characters and the storyline at times. Characters all seemed flat and similar. Seemed like a bunch of mid teens honestly. They had very little/shallow reactions/drama to big events and revelations which dampened a lot of your story.
I hated the start when you had Natsume hook up with his stepsister Miroku (BTW Miroku is a guy's name so I had to keep reminding myself that your Miroku is a girl). First half didn't even seem like a Natsume x Mikan story at all (he's pretty blase at sleeping with another girl other than the one he's supposedly in love with, actually scrap that, he seemed happy to sleep with his hot step sis. His reaction to finding out he's got a daughter is blase and we're just told that he's supposedly happy that she called him dad but honestly I don't believe it). Even at the end of the story, I don't know if there was even a main lead in this story. Seemed like too many characters (many I didn't like or just didn't care for like Miroku), too many pairings (or story felt like it was spread a bit too wide without really getting into the main lead's stories) and just didn't portray the depth of drama/emotions for us to really get attached to any single character.

There weren't too many errors that it was distracting which is great. Good first try. My suggestion is after working out a good storyline/plot, focus on the characters, decide who is main/supporting, and decide upfront what kind of personalities/background they have and keep that in mind when writing your story so they come out more alive. Thanks for sharing tho.

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You are Absolutely my favorite writer. I llllllloooooovvvvvveeeeeddddd your writing . I think you should never stop.

it was okay. I dislike that it was more about Miroku and not Mikan

Man most of the story was about Miroku and Natsume's life. Mikan would pop in here or there but it was mostly Miroku...

Yaaaaaaay now he knows

I hope Natsume doesnt fall for Miroku

Ohhhhno Cancer!?

She pregnant...

That was super cute I loved it

This is better than anything I could ever hope to come up with.

Pickles on toast is actually good. Don't ask me why I tried it. :3

I'm halfway through the story and have to stop. I like the plot and premise but the execution is pretty bad. There's a lot of dialogue but the characters feel plastic. I mean she was pretty fast in jumping in the sack with a guy who up and left years ago and left her with a baby. He took the fact he's got a daughter all these years surprisingly well. For a lot of the situations in this story there should have been more emotional impact and tension. We are barely even given insight into what characters are even thinking. In other words their not very well-developed.
I also have problems with the ocs. I don't mind ocs in stories if their done right, but the ocs in this story overshadow the main characters and to be honest they also feel very underdeveloped. These problems suck out any enjoyment I would've gotten from this story.

Lol the ending XD btw my pen name is mystery555 I'm just too lazy to sign in

Oh my gawd! That was so cute!