Fabulous. I love your characterization of and explanation for Susan. It makes so much sense, and as heartbreaking as it, your characterization of the other 3 Pevensies as the truly lost ones was brilliant.

This is beautiful!

I came to check out your writing because you gave rthstewart the link to bedlamsbard's stuff on LJ and she gave it to me and . . . well, I've spent a majority of today reading those fics.

Anyway. I'm really glad I looked up your profile, because this is absolutely stunning.

"She lowers her eyes from his and cups her hands and weaves together sunlight and warmth and all the memories this land has given her into something she can hold in her hands, and as she steps through the archway she hides it in her heart."

My brain is sort of floundering a little bit at all the exquisite beauty you gave this piece without over-embellishing. I really really enjoyed it, and I'll definitely be going to read more of your work.

Story: 7.5/10. You have some interesting internal reflections and I like how you ended this - it seems like the way you ended it shows Susan as a strong person in spite of the ending and I don't think you see that very often. The whole fic in general is a little too abstract for my tastes - one gets the impression of a bunch of ideas floating in space with nothing to anchor them. I think that you need more concrete action or some dialogue. It is also hard to get a sense of a timeline in this fic or when anything is happening.

Characters: 8/10. I think that the Susan you show, torn between holding on and making it in the world is very true, but I also think that you focus only on this facet of her personality. Even if this is the focus of the fic, I think that it is possible to get in little asides that show other parts of her character.

Creativity: 7.25/10. These types of Susan fics are fairly common and you go over a lot of familiar themes, but the fic isn't cliché and, again, I think that the ending sets it apart a bit.

Writing: 8.25/10. Your writing is very correct and readable with few mistakes. Your style shows a lot of promise, though it is sometimes a little flowery for my tastes. I can tell that you are trying for this really vivid, eloquent style and somehow I keep feeling that you've almost pulled it off, but not quite.

Believability: 8/10. The events and the feelings seem fairly genuine, but sensory and setting details can really add that feeling of believability by firmly anchoring the fic in a world and, like I said, I think that you need work on that aspect of the story.

Overall: 7.75/10. You are a good writer and this fic has a lot of emotion, I just think that you need to connect the internal conflicts to concrete events.

after looking at a few of your other stories,

i have decided you write amazing character pieces.

i especially love this one.

LOVE.

It's sad and beautiful!

Lg Luna

i love this Susan, the way you write her, the way she remembers archery, the way she waits for her brothers and sister. it's heart-wrenching and old and painfully bright and thank you, thank you for writing it.

Brilliant. It's so sad, Susan's story. It's easy to empathize with her, because the pain of leaving a place you love and never being able to go back is a heart-breaking feeling.

She's still the same, though, and I really enjoy that you et that across. She still loves her siblings and Narnia, but she needs to change to cope with it. She just wants to stop hurting. I love that you show she wants to go back but can't, and so she pushes it away because she doesn't know what else to do.

Susan's story is the hardest of all the Pevensie's to tell, because of course all the fans love Narnia, so we don't know why she would choose to ignore it. You tell it fantastically.