Please continue!

PLZ I BEG OF YOU . . . write more on this wonderful story! plz

Please please pleas write more!

This is definitely a more unique story spin compared to others. Fits also the character behaviors, can't wait for your next update! Hope it is soon. XP

So, I've been keeping a very close on this story because one, it's a Hiruma/OC, and two, you're a newbie writer. When I first learned that, I was like, "Great. Here we go."

But you should know that you've shot me right off my rocker. I was definitely not expecting you to actually pay respects to Canon. For one, you've done what I don't think any other OC writer in this fandom has done, and that's start the story off with the Canon characters and NOT the OC.

Second thing that blew me away was that you're actually using an original plot with original devices to bring Hiruma and your OC together. I mean, can it be? A plot that doesn't HAVE to have the OC on Hiruma's team due to some super-awesome talent she possesses?

For that, I deeply respect you.

However, I think you need to re-write this chapter. When your OC came into the picture, she didn't scream Mary-Sue like most usually do. But this chapter . . . it's very off, I think.

For one, I don't see it realistic (or even responsible) that a father would allow his teen daughter to interrogate the bad guys, especially if Hiruma is considered a dangerous man.

But let's say it IS realistic: Why is she so scared? She literally begged her father to do it, so where's her confidence? (Granted, I don't want lots of confidence where it makes her tough and arrogant, but still.) If you're going to make her 'fear' him or at least recognize that he's something formidable, then saying "blackmail, illegal possession, and assault" are too weak reasons for him to be. The fandom already knows what he does. What you should do is go that extra mile and LIST things that he's done. Don't take them all from the anime and/or manga though - be original, but also keep it within Hiruma's Canon. (Like, don't say he deals/uses drugs, receives services from prostitutes, has sexually assaulted someone, has critically injured someone or has threatened to critically injure someone.) Hiruma's style is basically vandalism and weapon intimidation.

Now, the ending . . . I think you should take that out completely. It just doesn't make sense and is so dramatized, it's cheesy. We've already got a background on Hiruma's father from the recent chapters in the manga and this isn't his character at all. I've an original background on Hiruma's father, too, but you making him "a drunk" is severely cliché and just lazy. And what's with him going on about "the family name"? I highly doubt Hiruma's father was clueless as to his son's questionable activities. Not to mention, from what we can piece together from the anime/manga, Hiruma has basically disowned his family and it's only recently that his father has been trying to get in contact with him again, so I doubt ANYONE cares about "the family name".

Personally, I prefer it if you didn't use his father at all. If you have to, bring in a brother or sister that he could possibly have (because we know nothing about Hiruma's family other than that he DOES have a father).

yo yo yo Grace Of Darkness,

i can't believe there's another hirumaxoc fanfic! please don't stop writing, i'm really interested to see where you go with this.

StarnightX

FINALLY you join Fanfiction! I told you ur fics should be on here, and I'm glad you put this story up seeing as how it's my fave one you have done so far, please put the next few chaps up so I can drool over Hiruma some more! XD

Lots of love : Android 24

*chuckles* Hiruma hasn't lost yet is seems.