I remember now why I added this to my favorites list last year

This is an fucking awesome

He obeyed, leaving the two vixens in silence

erm... Fox ain't a girl. :P

I think you meant "two vulpines" , "two foxes", or just "the two"

Use ctrl-f if you can't find it.

It was good. Little bit long, but good overall.

This is probably the most awesome written out Star Fox story I have came across. I loved the story plots, the intense fighting scenes on the ground and in space, relationships of Fox x Krystal, Falco x Katt, Skye x Mina aka Janice, and Wolf x Dawn.

Can't wait to take time to read the sequel and see how it goes.

Best story I have read! Hope your other stories are as good:-D

hey you made a mistake here. ( Fox had originally asked Krystal to stay behind on Kew ) it should be ( Fox had originally asked Krystal to stay behind on Corneria ) but excellent story.

my instincts are telling me to do a barrel roll lol. it kinda sucks that non of them gained the blue unnatural blue fur or the telepathic powers and what happens to rob. very good story though i really like the OCs

"This made Skye extremely angry, he couldn't believe the shit he just heard."

Never, ever, ever, ever, do that! Never just say how someone feels! You need to show, not tell us what is happening. Explain what he is doing through actions, through feelings that would relate to anger, that would build up towards anger.

However, this chapter was much, much better than the others. It was a nice change of pace from the four consecutive ship battles followed by lots of meaningless banter. I felt like Skye was more developed in this one, and that the action concerning him was fairly well done. You need to work on writing intense things, however. Go for short, quicker sentences that just describe action and feeling, as opposed to longer ones. Again, I think it was too long for one chapter. There's no reason to have every chapter of the story reach 80-10 words. It's just excessive, and you could have broken it off into two chapters. I got kinda bored with it at the end, as though some of it had lost its flow. For future reference, try to keep chapters ranging from 30-70 words. That's a big difference, I know, but by the way you work your scenes, I think it would be appropriate.

Anyhow, much better, I hope you continue with the improvement. Hopefully the rest of the characters will join in suit with Skye.

Well, I skipped past the entire battle scene, because I already knew what was going to happen. Being consistent is good, being obvious is not. I found the social interactions to be fairly dull. I like Skye's back story though, concerning his sister. You skipped around with the scenes way too much, and a lot of the chapter went underdeveloped. The funeral scene wasn't very good. I felt virtually no emotion save from Peppy, who delivered an alright speech. Then again, I'm no master speech writer either, and most of mine end up being cheesy. There's a severe lack of introspection. We rarely get to see inside of the character's head. You're either describing action, scenery, or writing dialog. I don't want to sound redundant in my reviews, but a lot of the story is redundant. People are just arguing and coming together for no real reason. Fox's anger towards Peppy is out of character, as is Slippy's lust for vengeance. Slippy's supposed to be a wimp! I understand why he would react emotionally to this situation, but to completely change his character is unnecessary.

You're not drawing me in at all. I have no feelings for the characters, and I honestly don't care whether they live or die. That's not good, not good at all. What makes something epic is not how much action you shove into it, or how well you can describe mundane activities, it's the characters. You have to feel the characters, and I don't think you've done that.

Oh boy, what can I say about this one? It's just more of the same, really. Lots of action, good description, but the characters are boring the living crap out of me. I skipped a lot, because there's nothing really interesting going on here. You're a great writer, but it looks like you're wasting your talents. To me, this chapter felt more like you were describing the level of a video game, and that that is obviously what Star Fox is, this is writing, not video game design. Nearly all of the first part was senseless filler. You should have cut right to the point and accentuated Fox's fear for Krystal's life. Instead, that was only mentioned in what, a paragraph or two, plus some dialog? You're breezing over the best parts for the sake of some action! Also, I didn't understand Fox's comment about Peppy having changed, since you haven't even shown how that has happened. You just said it, there was no logic or explanation to it. I did, however, like that you're giving Fox some flaws to make him interesting, but they're so out of character that I just can't fully enjoy them. Evisceration? That's not Fox's bag, man. He's not this violent, vengeful person. He has a strong sense of honor, but not one that would push him to the point of being so dark.

All in all, this is far less than what you're obviously capable of. Unless you learn how to get to the point, accentuate that point, and start building your characters properly, then I'm probably going to find this a fairly weak story. Don't feel too bad though, we've all been there at one point or another, but it just angers me to see such obvious talent put to such pitiful waste.

What I can tell you right now is that you're trying to jam way too much into too little a space all at once. The transitions are sudden and almost jarring, and the action feels flat. And you may be going into just a little too much detail in the day-to-day ordinary routine of a lot of the characters. If you can't justify it, get rid of it; trim the excess fat and leave the real meat of the story out there. Mostly that involves not telling the reader obvious things...

Then there's your narration, it's scattered. I get you're trying to embellish your writing with some extra words and phrases, but most of the time it isn't helping the flow. Describe only what needs describing. If there's action involved, trim it down and get your words to multitask. If the pace is slower, you can embellish a little, but only describe to us it if you can justify us reading it.

Personally, I've never saw the fundamental plotline of SF Command holding any water. As fun a game as it is to play for its mechanics, the story has a shaky and questionable foundation at best. As for the plot you've chosen, it needs more research; a lot more research.

For a model, I'd look at the new Russia and what they're up to these days. The Soviet Union only collapsed on itself less than twenty years ago, and already Russia is marching into neighboring countries like Georgia as they flex their old military muscles once again. Look at examples from history to get some idea of how things like this could play out, they'll help you a lot in the long run when you put the world of your story together.

I'm going to try and get through some more of it later, but that's what I got so far.

Best of luck,

chaos_Leader

A good chapter! I won't go as in depth with the spelling/grammar and other stuff since it's so time consuming. Again, you're great with action, and you really made this interesting to read. However, it seems that there's only been action for the past two chapters, save some spots here and there. I don't feel much connection with the characters. You've got to get behind the psychological aspect of writing as well, understand what makes a person tick and what makes them appealing to a reader. You said that there were tears in Fox's eyes as he went down to save Krystal, but what was he thinking? Surely he must have doubted himself, hated himself at some moments for allowing this to happen? This also should have been more than one chapter. Like I said, 10,0 words, or thereabout, can be quite intimidating. Good job though, this has a very epic feel to it.

rChapter One

Already a spelling mistake? No!

The empire under the fair Emperor Dash Bowman’s rule had flourished quicker than anyone in the Lylat system could have ever imagined; only five years since the device his grandfather Andross had created began to terraform Venom into a habitable world, the planet had already nearly looked like a larger copy of gorgeous, blue Corneria at the other end of the system.

Okay, what? The first part of the sentence is great, but after the semi-colon you kinda loose me. “Only five years since the device his grandfather Andross had created began to terraform Venom...” Okay, this is a bit jumbled. Try something like:

The empire under the fair Dash Bowman's rule had flourished quicker than anyone in the Lylat System could have ever imagined. Only five years had passed since Dash found and began using his grandfather's terraforming device to completely alter the face of Venom into a habitable world. The planet was already on its way to looking like a larger copy of the gorgeous, blue Corneria.

Dash looked out his bedroom window down at the city which he had named Androsia

Need a comma between city and which.

some of which so tall Dash

Some of which WERE so tall.

could not even see their peaks from where he stood thanks to the cottony white clouds that covered a majority of the sky; a nice change from the polluted green that used to dominate Venom's atmosphere.

RUN-ONS! You put way too many things into your sentences. Description is a good thing, trust me, I use a lot of it, but you're overloading it. There's no need to say that Dash couldn't see the peaks because they were in the clouds because you've already established that the tops of the buildings end there. You could also start a new sentence with the whole polluted green part. Let's see what we can make of it.

The city was prosperous, for sure; huge skyscrapers that reached into the clouds dominated the now lush terrain, some of which so tall Dash could not even see their peaks from where he stood thanks to the cottony white clouds that covered a majority of the sky; a nice change from the polluted green that used to dominate Venom's atmosphere.

The city was prosperous for sure. Huge skyscrapers that reached into the clouds dominated the now lush terrain. They extended to such a height that it was impossible for Dash to see them from where he stood. Then again, it was a nice change from the polluted green that used to dominate Venom's atmosphere.

Alright, onto the enxt sentence and I can already see that you're abusing semi-colons. Just start a new sentence!

While the name itself for the Saruzin class dreadnaught was rather intimidating, it hadn’t been Dash who had named it; the ship was in fact one of the surviving ships of its class from the battle of Sector Y.

This seems a little messy. The first part, up until the first comma is kinda confusing. You should put the class and the type of ship in the sentence before it, since those two facts bare no relation to the name. You could have used another comma instead of a semi-colon as well. Just stick the word as in front of “the ship”.

Alright, I'm gonna chill with the spelling/grammar errors because there's a lot of them. I hope you go over this and fix the rest for yourself.

He would not let this blasphemy pass.

Okay, I lied :P Blasphemy is speaking out against a deity. Venom is not a deity, not is Dash, so it can't be blasphemy.

Okay, so at the end of the Dash part I'm left a little unsatisfied. It seems as though he's gone crazy like Andross, but uh, how? It's like it just happens. Insanity is never an instant thing. We should be able to see him go mad over the course of time. It feels like this was rushed, a lot. We've already established who the villain is and what he's going to do without even getting anywhere in the story. You usually don't do that, as it rarely works. It ruins the tension, the anxiety of the story that really draws people in. I'm sure you're going to make up for it in some way, but it just seems out of place right now.

Alrighty, I just read Falco's part. It was good, actually :D Less mishaps overall, and some great description. However, I did notice something a little troubling. You, like many of the good writers on this site, are excellent at describing action, but you lack the ability to make the characters interesting. This is the fault of so many, and I think it's something I used to do too. A lot of people can write intense action scenes, but that's about it. I noticed such a difference in this part than in Dash's because there's no action in Dash's, and that part's really lackluster.

You've got to learn how to make the characters interesting. There was no reason to start off this story so quickly, it feels like there's no momentum to it. It's just BAM! ACTION! FIRE! WAR! Don't get me wrong though, I love to start off with some excitement, however it seems as though you're just throwing some of the most important parts of the plot at them instead of simply starting off loudly. I'd hate to use myself as an example, but I guess there's no harm in it really.

The first chapters of my first two stories start out with action, but it's only a small piece of the plot. I'm not hitting them with this huge turn of events right away, I'm simply using the action to establish some things, be it for the sole purpose of introducing characters, explaining things, or setting up scenarios that will lead to character progression. The action scenes themselves are irrelevant to the plot, what happens after that, however, is very relevant.

He obeyed, leaving the two vixens

Okay, a vixen is a female fox. Fox McCloud is not a vixen, Krystal is.

and was the only reason he hesitated in joining this war

No grammatical error here, but it seems kind of odd. Fox has not mentioned any hesitation prior to this. It's not like he was up all night thinking about it, pondering whether he should take part in it. Don't mention a hesitation that wasn't even there in the first place, especially when it concerns something as deep and emotional as this.

Okay, so the Fox/Krys/Falco section was well done as well. Nice description and such, but like I said, you need to work on non-action scenes. They're okay, but they just pale in comparison to all of the excitement you worked up in Falco's section

Then we have Dash's last section. I don't understand why you save this part for last, it would have been much better to have just stuck it with the rest of Dash's stuff to avoid all of that confusion! At least you gave reason to his madness.

All in all, this was a decent chapter. You should have split it into two, maybe three chapters though, as it really drags on in some parts. Splitting it up would have created some tension and would have allowed the reader to better absorb the information. It may not be noticeable to you as a writer (trust me, I know how this feels) but as a reader, seeing a gigantic wall of text is very intimidating, and it kind of leads you to want to skim.

However, in spite of all of my criticisms, this is a good start to a story. I like a lot of it and I look forward to reading more.

Five years after the events involving the Anglar Empires invasion of the Lylat System, the system finds itself in a period of relative peace. Ever since the victory, life has gone on as normal; and for the Star Fox team, life had become a dark expanse of boredom, patrolling one planet after the next in the search for excitement.

Alright, you probably don't want to use the same words in the same sentence, like with system, and life.

dangers way.

Need an apostrophe for danger's.

Krystal, not understanding this, had run off with Star Wolf where she silently cursed her former lover day after day.

It's not that she didn't understand, I believe, it's that she was upset by it. She felt betrayed by Fox, and saw hypocrisy in it.

young foxes lives

should be young foxes' lives.

I'm not really sure I understand why you mentioned the withering fighter ships. To me, that would be something to throw into the first chapter, where there's scenery and room for description.

and was half the reason (ironically)

I probably wouldn't point out the irony if I were you. Allow your reader to grasp that by themselves.

Together they relaxed

Seems a little unnecessary to say that again, after it was in the sentence prior to it.

Alright, so it's a decent prologue I think. Personally, I would have tried to go for either:

calmness. Try not to include so many things into the introduction. Just set up where Fox and Krystal are, not the fates of everyone else. Allow the two characters to talk about that and make it known to the reader. It could make for some interesting dialog and character progression, plus a more interesting surprise for us.

anxiety. Really drive home the looming danger ahead of them. Accentuate some negativity, like I said, some anxiety. That's essentially what the whole storm on the horizon thing is about.

The first probably would have been a better option :P But both work.