Boo! Get to the sex!

AW!

Nice story. I really liked how you characterised the two and also didn’t ignore their Pokemon.

I’m not a big fan of using caps for shouting, but that’s just me.

“Most of the time, Erika might end up snoozing.” Seems odd to me, perhaps “Most of the time, Erika ended up snoozing” would be better.

The description is really good.

I was in a Pokemon mood, so I decided to check this story out. Overall, it was quite a good story. It had a good idea for its basis. I don't frequent the pokemon section, so I'm not sure if I'm correct with this, but it seemed to be a very original idea.

There were also bits of very good descriptive writing that I enjoyed. For example:

"Summer always brought the best time for the plants to shine. All the flowers seemed to be in place and Whitney's presence just made Erika enjoy the scenery more. In the flesh, Whitney appeared to be one of those happy girls from the manga comics, and also looked like a model with a genuine personality. The curves on her legs looked delicious, as did her pink hair. Erika shook her head; her wandering thoughts were becoming kinky – she didn't want them to be too spicy. Erika's thoughts could be simplified by thinking that Whitney was pure.

Whitney released a bright pink cow out of her ball."

But what I found to be a huge problem in this fic was your grammar and typos. The many grammar mistakes and typos that I found distracted from how good the story actual was. There were many run-on sentences and glaring comma errors. I'm not a grammar nut, but they caught my attention nonetheless. It wouldn't have been so bad if there were only a few errors, but they were in almost every paragraph. It really watered down the quality of your writing, which is actually quite good. Here are a few examples and how you could correct them:

"At the same time, they were both a slight embarrassed because their favorite pokemon pals might have saw them kiss."

It should be:

"At the same time, they were both slightly embarrassed because their favorite pokemon pals might have seen them kiss."

"I'm not sure if Erika had any?"

There should be a period and not a question mark, since this isn't a question.

"Bellossom looked at her, she could tell that Erika was still sleepy; too much procrastination she thought."

This is a run-on, and I found MANY of these throughout your fic. You should really watch out for these, because they became very distracting. This can be split into two sentences like this:

"Bellossom looked at her. She could tell that Erika was still sleepy; too much procrastination, she thought."

This isn't a grammar mistake of anything, but I think it could be improved on:

"Whitney released a bright pink cow out of her ball."

I think you should change "ball" to "pokeball" to be a bit more specific. Even for someone like me who knows quite a bit about this fandom, it was a bit confusing at first.

Now, about the newspaper article with Koga. It was pretty confusing to read. Once you put the headline, "The News of the World, Gym Leader Koga Arrested" (which by the way, had a typo in it) you had Whitney say:

“Koga's been jailed!” Whitney gasped, “that's Janine's dad.”

Then you went to what I think was the article. But the thing is, I couldn't tell if it was you as the narrator explaining the situation or if it was still the article. If it was you just explaining the situation, your writing style is much too stiff in this section compared to the rest. If this is the article, I would suggest one of these improvements. You could have the whole article, and then Whitney's dialogue. You could also have Whitney's dialogue before the article like you have now, and then write something like "Whitney then read the article aloud." It would make much more sense.

Another problem I had was when Whitney and Erika are talking, and they suddenly change over to the subject of boyfriends. It seemed much to sudden and awkward how they would rush into this subject out of nowhere.

Well, besides these many flaws, your story was quite good. I think if you took more care in making sure your structure and grammar were clean, you would have had a great piece of writing. The story was good and so was the idea. It was just watered down by the many mistakes.