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Governor Davis huh? Is someone in denial about the election of a certain Governator?

I remember this being a cool story but the Christ all over the place ruined it for me.

I love the story, but i noticed one thing. you, like alot of other authors whose stories Iv'e read love to artificially extend conflict, like you did by having john interrupt derek's explination of his actions. its not a big deal just wanted to point out a pet peeve of mine

You have set high standarts for reviews in your bio.

Now I like your story, in particular the internal monologues of the charakters. This way you create a lot of tension. What I did not like so much was the incooperation of the music at points. One momtent I'm reading about a gunfight and the next I'm reading songlyrics.

Also it would be good to show your readers when you change the scene or point of view. It would make the story easier to read. Just use one more free line or a line full of one symbol.

I hope this was not to much criticism, that was not my intent. You have written a good story an I enjoyed reading it.

Great story! It has been a thrilling reading experience so far!

There's a few minor details that disturbed me a little, like for example the gross scene with Mike masturbating at the police station. And there were a few moments that got me really confused; especially after scene changes, where I was like: What's going on now? Where are we? Who's narrating now?

Oh, and at first I was a little bit confused by Cameron Forsythe… since it conflicted with the Allison Young theory. But I guess you've written the story before the 2nd season was out. (However you mentioned Catherine Weaver at one point, which astonished me.)

But that put a part, the story was really great, had a lot of original ideas and much character development. There were also a lot of small details that really added depth to the story. For example I was fascinated of Cameron putting those gravestones in the front yard! Great stuff…

And wow, what a dramatic ending. Poor Cameron, I really felt with her when John has run away from her like that :(

Now I'm glad I don't need to wait before starting with the already available sequel :)

that seems so funny at times .

how she find that out at the last minute .

I finally finished reading the last chapter of this story. What can I say that I haven’t already said? I love the realistic dialog and characterization you’ve given each character.

I really liked the pacing you’ve taken with the John/Cameron dynamic, and that you haven’t fallen into the same rut that most fanfic writers have, which is overly humanizing Cameron just for the sake of making her relationship with John more like a story-book romance. The John/Derek relationship is great too. He’s sticking up for John more and more, which is nice to see. I kind of wish that Sarah and John got along a little better though. John seems to resent her quite a bit, but I guess he has his reasons, exemplified by such segments as the superb introspection on his discovery of the tape that showed her relinquishing parental rights to him while in Pescadaro.

I thought it was a bit crass of Sarah to take off after all the trauma of the day prior without even saying goodbye. She could very well be killed on the mission and she didn’t even seem to care that she’d be upsetting him. To me, it just makes Sarah look like a bitch and a terrible mother. I never got that vibe from her in the series, so I guess that would be one gripe of mine.

Oh, and you kinda glossed over what happened when Mike’s parent’s showed up. I know you covered what happened, but we didn’t get to experience the drama. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal to skip that part, since it really wasn’t *that* important to the story, but you used the idea of Mike’s father being “on his way over” as a way to build suspense throughout chapter 23, and then it just never happened.

I was quite surprised to see John ditch Cameron like he did, especially after were just starting to become closer. If anything, I was expecting him to take “flight” *with* her, so props to you for the surprise ending. Hmm... maybe the thought of becoming “close” to a machine is part of what drove John to say “fuck the world... I’m outta here!”

It has been a pleasure reading this story, and I look forward to plunging into “Away” next.

Regards.

Chapter 18:

This was an alright chapter. I liked the conversation between Ellison and Greta. The whole sequence with John waking up listening to his mother singing was, as you said, "meh". I did however like the Cameron POV stuff near the end. Cameron is jealous of Cheri? This could get interesting.

Chapter 19:

This was a good character building chapter for Mike. I don't have much else to say. John is starting to trust Mike, so that's good.

Chapter 20:

All hell breaks loose... again. Nice suspense in this chapter. Police stations shootouts, Russina informants, headshots, Terminator endos, and ... masturbation? Jesus Christ, Mike! At least find a bathroom! LOL. At first I thought he was having the hots for Cameron, and then seeing Cameron "Forsythe" in the interrogation room made him lose control, but later he talks about John being "so hot". Hmm... Mike is gay? or at least bi/curious?

I hope we learn soon about these hoards of bad-guy-commandos that keep ruining John's day. They seem to have endless supply of men, and don't have even the slightest fear of police or authority.

Chapter 22:

Sweet. A car chase. Not a whole lot to comment on, other than to say "good action writing". Action is always pretty tough for me to write, so I applaud people who can do it well.

And if the crash threw John through the windshield, I imagine Mike got pretty beat up by the steering wheel. That plus a gunshot wound... not looking good for the young resistance fighter.

Ellison is obviously starting to see the bigger picture, and bend the rules of his FBI authority to get to the bottom of what's going on. I like that. I hope John and co. can learn to cooperate with him soon. Would be good to have an ally g-man on the inside.

Nice tender moment between John and Cameron at the end too. Whether or not Cameron actually gets something out of a hug like that remains to be seen, but at least she knows it helps John, so she does it regardless.

My commentary for chapters 13, 14, 15 & 16

Chapter 13.

ugh.. another dream sequence. There seems to be two kinds of dream sequences. There's the kind where you know it's a dream right from the get-go, which is hard to read because you know that any relevance it will have is vague and metaphorical at best. Then there's the kind where it starts out seemingly real, then you eventually find out it's a dream. Those kind are bittersweet... I read it, get into the scene, start to feel anxious from the suspense, then BAM... I realize it's all just a dream and feel a little frustrated for having been duped. The scene with John in Pescadero was like that. I was thinking "wow.. this is cool and ironic. John is in the same place his mother was years ago... and with the same creepy orderly! Nice throwback to T2! What were they talking about? John's girlfriend? Cheri? Cameron? Someone new? John killed someone.. damn he's hardening up, maybe too much... ohh... wait... what's Sarah doing there? oh, son of a... it's a dream."

Again... this is just a personal annoyance of mine, and not a slight to your writing in any way... and you did in fact have me going until Sarah showed up.

The rest of the chapter was good as well. I like the idea that Mike sort of had a "never meet your heroes" moment. This godlike person that he worshiped is just a regular kid.

uh oh... Cameron had a momentary relapse of "Terminate John Connor" mode.

John's disdain for Mike referring to Cameron as "it" tells me he's starting to think of her more as a person. Nice development there.

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Chapter 14

John's having "impure thoughts" about that couch. heh.

This is once instance where I think a dream/hallucination/fantasy flies in under my "I hate dream sequences" radar. It wasn't too long, and it was more a product of John's conscious thought process than some magical, future-predicting subconscious dream.

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Chapter 15

As you pointed out in your author's notes, you still need a "debriefing" session with Sarah, John, Derek, and Cameron. I loved the bit with Charlie and Sarah, but in terms of storytelling, I think there should have been something in between chapter 14 and 15. It took them a few minutes to drive from the church to Charlie's house, right? Realistically, wouldn't they have been discussing what the hell just happened? It's not like any of them were seriously wounded and dying (in which case they would have probably been too distracted to debrief).

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Chapter 16

Nice "epilogue" chapter. Not a whole lot happened here, but it's nice to see things back to "normal". My only critique is that maybe this didn't need to be its own chapter. Like I said in the comment for chapter 15, this could have probably been covered in the car ride to Charlie's place. Not really a big deal. It works well the way you've written it too.

Funny little quip about Cameron and the pizza guy.

Maybe I'm just inattentive and missed something, but I didn't quite get what John mean by his last question to Derek. Was he supposed to be implying something? While Derek was waiting for Sarah? Waiting when? Something must have went over my head here. hmm...

I don't know if I'll review each and every chapter as I read through this story, but this one definitely deserves some praise. So much happened as well. I figured there would a little action, maybe a struggle with the Forsythe character, but I didn't expect the shit to hit the fan in an epic battle like it did, along with all the surprises along the way. To tell you the truth, up until this chapter I wasn’t all that into the plot. The writing was good, and I loved all the introspection into the characters, but it seemed like it was mainly kind of a ho-hum plot about investigating some guy possibly connected with Cyberdyne, John’s struggles in school and so on and so forth. This chapter unraveled a bunch of things and deepened the story a ton.

First big surprise: Human Cameron.

At first I just figured this was mostly a cameo appearance... sort of an Easter-egg. And taking in to consideration that this was probably written before "Allison From Palmdale", it was a nice little fun encounter to read, even if it was a bit convenient and contrived that she just happened to be a the same hotel where everything was going down...or so I thought at the time. Then it turns out that she's in on the whole ordeal, and possibly working for the Russians? I'm glad that she's not just some random girl that one day gets turned into a cyborg. Sounds like she actually has a purpose, and I can't wait to find out. I wonder if there will ever be a John/Human-Cameron confrontation...

Surprise #2:

Arnold freaking Schwarzenegger! Well... technically a T-800/101... even better! No fanfic is complete without a cameo of this guy/machine.

Surprise #3:

I definitely didn't expect Forsythe to be from the future, or at least know about it. I was guessing this would be Andy Goode v2.0, and to be honest, I didn’t really have much interest in him. But it seems like he's part of some group of extremists that hate humanity or something. Interesting twist.

Surprise #4:

Michael from school. Who's side is he on? He was holding John at gunpoint, but was afraid of the T-800. A third party? More reasons to keep reading.

All in all, a fantastic, action packed, nail-biter of a chapter. I can’t really come up with much to be critical about it. Even the things I complained about last chapter were much better... nothing seemed overly wordy, and the number of F-bombs (while probably just as frequent) seemed much better placed and appropriate considering the tone of the chapter. The action was well written. I find that action is tough to write without sounding monotonous. Yours action scenes read smoothly and vividly. The only thing I can maybe gripe about is the inclusion of musical lyrics. It’s very tempting to insert music into a story, since words can be poetic to what’s going on in the scene, or it can just set the mood for a scene, but it can also backfire on you and sort of get in the way of the rest of the text; especially when the reader hasn’t heard the song before.

I’m not sure if I can say anything that the other reviews haven’t covered, but I’ll try.

I have to commend you on writing one of the best TSCC fanfictions out there. I just finished reading chapter 11 today, so I still have a long way to go. But from what I’ve read so far, I’d say that you’ve nailed the characterization of everyone in the story...especially Cameron. I don’t know... maybe I’m just a bit jaded from reading the overabundance of fluffy, Jameron-laden pablum this site, but it’s a breath of fresh air to read a fic where Cameron actually acts like a Terminator, with the vague shadow of possibly developing emotions. I believe this is how she was portrayed on the show, and you’ve captured that nicely.

Before I start offering criticisms I’ll qualify all of my statements by saying that your writing absolutely puts mine to shame, so everything I say is nothing more than a stone thrown through the walls of my shitty glass house.

I hate, hate, HATE dream sequences. Especially long ones. IMO, dream sequences are not part of reality, and therefore irrelevant to any story. If they are used as a tool to foreshadow, or give insight into a character's subconscious, that’s fine, but they don’t need to be five thousand words long to do so. In fact, a dream sequence being anything more than vague memories of the dreamer seems unrealistic to me. I guess this is more of a personal preference, and is not in any way criticizing your writing. Just something to think about.

Being overly wordy. This can be both good and bad. For example: when Derek slugged John in the stomach. I loved the description of how his entire train of thought was derailed and the only thing he could see or think of was the floor. The repetition of the word “floor” was great. But then you go on for another three paragraphs to describe the feeling and pain he’s experiencing. This is where I thought it was a bit much, and seemed exaggerated. I think something like this could be trimmed quite a bit and still have the same (or better) effect on the reader.

Also along the lines of too much emphasis, you overuse the expletive “fucking”. I think just about everyone had someone in their highschool that used that word in every other sentence, and reduced it to a nothing-word, rather than the ultimate adjective-amplifier that it should be. It’s one thing to have a character using profanity in dialog, but when used so often in the narration, it ends up sounding like “that guy”.

Example: "Of course," Cameron said. John fucking shuddered, and he was damned if he knew why.

It just seems totally unnecessary in that sentence.

Ok.. back to the things I like about the story.

I love how the simple misunderstanding of Derek’s affection for his nephew has snowballed into the tension that it has. Although I hope that they straighten things out soon, for both their sakes.

I love Derek and Sarah’s sort of love/hate dynamic. Derek mockingly saluting Sarah and patronizing her was fun to read. I would like to see more of the pseudo-comical love/hate relationship between Sarah and Cameron like we saw a few times in the first season of the show.

I love how John keeps comparing his feelings for Cheri to his supposed confused feelings toward Cameron. This is very realistic, and I think most fanfic authors get so overzealous wanting to write about John and Cameron that they forget that all other things being equal, John would likely choose to be with a human girl. That being said, I’m very much looking forward to “the talk” that John wants to have with Cameron.

I’ll say again, that while I have my nitpicks, for the most part I love your writing style and I love this fanfic.

Best regards.