Has anyone ever told you you're a fantastic writer?

I'm really enjoying this story thus far. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding the characters well, but a lot of the time their feelings come across very clearly. My heart aches for Marth and Roy, especially Marth. Please continue!

Let me tell you something. This story is amazing. Your writing style is addictive. Somehow the lack of context makes the whole thing more mysterious and enticing.

Wow, a month since you've put up the latest chapter. It felt no more than 2 weeks for me. And we're nearing the five year anniversary of the published date. It's obscene that so much time has passed. Seems to me like only a year or so ago that you started this thing.

Anywhoo, I don't remember Roy promising to go cold turkey on the liquor. I re-read chapters 13 and 14 (and noticed some things I hadn't seen before. Important things. Hints. Did you change those chapters more recently?) and didn't find it mentioned.

Funny and sad to see Marth tempting Roy, begging him to stick with the drinking. Just another step in this dance these two stomp out-like they want to hurt each other almost as much as they love. And to back that up, you have Roy confessing to training under Falcon...

When could they afford rent? Are they earning more money now?

I grinned to see Wario show up. It's a good role for him, always nosing around for loot. I can't help but feel Roy was smart to refuse his offer, but even though Wario is a liar his threats hint at bad, well, worse times ahead.

You mentioned the fighting circuit. The arena they're at now, is this the main one? The arena that hosts the last rounds of the championship, or does that come later and this one is just for qualifying rounds? I mention this since the emperor is here now, and I'm confused as to Marth and Roy's progress in this tournament. Robes of brown and black? Lifting the no-kill rule? Sound a bit Gannondorf-ish to me. But I could be wrong.

Zelda's there, then I guess Snake and Samus and maybe Falcon or Ike are there now too, unless you're playing with chronology. Realy hope Roy doesn't get disqualified, but he's lost confidence in himself and is hedging his hopes and dreams on Marth. Not clear yet if that's a conscious decision or if he's unknowingly self-sabotaging. At least, that's my impression.

I enjoy the minimalist noir style prose. But one area that could use improvement is providing some more context to these scenes. That is, helping the reader to understand the setting, ground them in it a bit more. Even in hard boiled fiction, the 1st person narrator will mention where they are, or where they're going, and maybe let slip a detail or two about what's so significant about the location. They don't go on and on about it like a telephone book fantasy novel, but, eh, ya know. You do a nice bit of contextualizing/scene-setting with Roy out shopping for matches, mentioning how meager and sordid this town is, and how out of place and ignored he is. But these chapters do often jump around to anonymous locations. I don't think you'd have to add much, just a transition or some framing description or exposition about these spaces everyone's angsting and struggling through. A light hand would be better than no hand at all in this matter, is what I guess I'm trying to say.

-Mild out

Atone. Of the five sub-sections here, 4 deal with characters mulling over past mistakes, or sins, or defining events. Reflecting on the past and writhing in its regrets seems to be this chapter's theme. Heck, it's a thread running through this entire story starting from chapter one, but it's more noticable to me now that we have multiple POV characters to compare and contrast.

I liked the excerpt from Master Chief magazine, though I wonder why you chose this format instead of having a character give the expo through dialogue or narrate it from one of their pov's. It comes off as neutral this way, and kinda tricks my brain into accepting it as a truthful and "objective" source of information. Mayhaps that was your intent.

The news article really helped me realized how little of not only the setting, but the overall context of the story you've shown so far. As a reader, I prefer writers to leave bread crumbs instead of whole loaves lying about, so I approve, but it was nice to finally get a macro picture of the situation.

I do wonder if you should've written and included it earlier, for it helps establish the stakes. If it would've created a greater impact earlier on. Well, we've seen some of the personal stakes involved for some of the characters, but now we finally know why they might care about a tournament and why other off-worlders might undertake the risk of entering the event. The way Roy talked before, I thought we wanted to enter because they needed some prize money to live off of. And because they don't have anything else to do.

Then again, I know you didn't plan for the story to grow as big as it has now.

The only one sounding like they might be in an atonning mood is Ike. Hawt Falcon on Marth action is always welcome.

Not sure who the kid in the green cap is. Have we already seen Luigi? I know we've come across doc Mario and heard of Mario Mario.

I wished the Ike section had been longer-I don't mean padded out, but I felt it would've carried more weight if this scene had included a plot development, or a story event of some kind. Ike tries something and succeeds or fails at something, or makes a choice, or learns something. Or have something happen. It's like, you know, a thing. Yeah. It comes off as a half or third of a chapter.

Though we do get to learn that he's angsting in true FE tradition. Is the dead voice Soren? I'd kinda like to see how you'd write the wind mage, see if it's anything like how I've handled him. You should've put the kid in a baby cart and had Ike push him around in it, then you would've had a nice Lone Wolf and Cub reference. I kid because I lurv. The pink thing in his arms is gonna be Jiggles, I just know it. Maybe not.

Wait, it's snowing now? Well, even deserts and wastelands grow cold.

"It seemed hard to believe that the world could be made of anything else other than fathers who died and left behind their work, unfinished. Or sons with heads full of vengeance and regrets, lessons from childhood (once ignored or misunderstood) now taken to heart."

The changing POV from character to character doesn't bother me, probably because I'm used to reading novels using many POV shifts.

"He swore that the next time he raised his sword on the battle stage, no one would dare to sneer or laugh at him."

Uh oh. I think I smell a rematch a'coming.

So Zelda has the hots for Samus because she's the Chosen One? The Chozo thought so as well, but now they're all dead...

Well, not too much left to say. A very good chapter, and I don't have any style nitpicks. I enjoyed the introspection, esp. Marth's and Ike's. Very well done, you've still got the touch (you've got the poweeeeer!).

:: happy flailing hands of happiness ::

An enjoyable update, as always. Your writing style seems to have filled out a little - though of course this could just be my first impressions talking. The prose struck me as a little more detailed, a little less sparse - I think if I went hunting for specific examples, my theory would fall apart, but my general impression was of greater detail.

I loved Marth's recollections of his first defeat. The fact that he uses his appearance as a weapon of defiance is nicely portrayed. It's nice to see a fandom trope taken seriously, founded on an earnest motivation and riddled with consequences. The pain of Marth's defeat becomes more visceral.

The story seems both to be at once expanding - in that you 1) provide further insight into Samus's past and a possible glimpse of her future and 2) introduce Ike and his companions (am I right in suspecting that one is Kirby? x3) - and narrowing toward a climax - the origins of the tournament and the fact that so many characters are traveling toward it. I'm eager to see where the plot implied in the "Tabuu's World" history is leading.

I must admit, I'm finding the introduction of new characters to be a touch bewildering - each new POV I encounter seems to pull the story a fraction more out of the focus. And while I like and am interested in the characters that are being introduced, I find myself wondering about the ultimate shape of the story. I realize that "Chase the Sun" was never simply Marth and Roy's tale, but the fact that they were the focus for so long and now no longer are is a little disorienting. Of course, considering that the SSB... canon? franshise? has broadened since you began "Chase the Sun" (and thus, the scale on which this story takes place has grown), I suppose a little disorientation is only part of the package. Wondering after the ultimate shape of things leaves me eager for more, anyway. So I look forward to a new installment, where I'm sure I'll find my answers, :]

Good luck with your next chapter (and with your original writing as well!) Take care.

Title drop!

Paragraphs consisting of more than one sentence: they are your friends. Oh, wait, you've revised this already. Never mind. I read the earlier draft first. It's too bad the Pit's formatting stretches out even normal-sized paragraphs into single lines. I mean, they look fine on a word processor, and they'd probably look great on a paper page, but here, ugh. Not your fault.

I really appreciate the restrained and plainly stated setting descriptions. Atmosphere is created, the point is driven home, and one really gets a sense of how sparse and lonely this world is, without rendering it a white room of boredom. I'm very jealous.

The details, like the shack they've adopted as their own, a kind of surrogate for the house and home they secretly yearn for but never dare hope in waking life to enjoy in peace someday, together. The bottle, hinting at Roy's growing drinking problem (bound to get even worse considering recent events), and the way Marth refuses to clean it up.

And this approach works for me as a reader. I prefer setting to assist the plot and character development without stealing the spotlight, though it can depend on the writer. Old HP Lovecraft is like your opposite in this, just for an example. You both rely on strong atmospheres, but go about generating it in different ways. Yours comes through in character's cynicism, and their circumstances that help drive their choices and the kind of lives they lead. And yes, some setting descriptions as well. Chase the Sun is character driven, with plot coming in kinda close second place. Setting, or worldbuilding as it's known in fantasy/sci-fi circles, plays third fiddle. That's not a flaw or a failing, but rather an ascetic choice on your part, and readers either dig that or not. So I've enjoyed how you've handled it so far. I'm here for the characters, not scenery pr0n.

One thing I am curious about is: so far most chapters have taken place in remote wilderness or isolated urban settings. I wonder how you will handle scenes where there's a lot more going on around the characters, like if they visit a cantina at the center of a wretched hive of scum and villainy, also known as a city. I know Marth and Roy have been in town a couple times already, but those were pretty brief scenes (or seemed like it). Or maybe you plan to continue eschewing those kind of situations in favor of simpler stages. I remember Empty Hand sticking to more lonely environments despite taking place in a larger "city."

You just made Martha keeping house and a kid stopping by his well for a drink suspenseful. Congratz on those mad skills. It was very clever to use that scene with Roy and Goroh last chapter as not only a great note to close on, but to also drive the emotions and events of this chapter along at a nice clip.

Also, I didn't know what was up with the odd descriptions of light. They were cool, but seemed a bit out of nowhere. Then we get to the end of the chapter and discover Marth's condition. And I wonder how many other clues I've missed in previous chapters.

For me, well, the whole chapter was a high point. But specifics: Roy and his ghost arm. Goroh...just Goroh. And seeing you tackle more of the Brawl/Melee cast nearly made me squee out loud. I like your play on the Doc, as a kindly and earthy but cautious man. Wonder what keeps him exiled to a mudhole like this? You've also made me curious if we'll see more of Mario or Goroh. And Pico is still out there.

This chapter is not small, but it flew by reading it. No justice in that, eh? We spend so long, so hard crafting these things, and readers snarf them up like cheese puffs. Hard writings is easy readings, I guess.

I agree with Selah Ex Animo's points.

"Wild dogs don't know why they bite. It's the fault of those who trust them for getting bitten."

"So fate had decided that he would lose this too, all of it. There was nothing he could keep, nothing he was allowed to cherish."

These boys, they fight as if they were already married. Maybe they are. Lines like these, it's as Selah said in his review. You wonder when Marth might leave again. For Roy's sake. For his own. For some reason he can't put into words.

And then you have Roy being all fiery, bitey, hard drinking, borderline physically abusive.

"Roy jerked away. His face twisted into a silent snarl. The look in his glassy eyes promised violence."

Yikes. This relationship grows more precarious even as it seems to grow deeper and more established.

"Before the darkness takes me -"

Oh Marth, hush. You're such a drama queen. What if your sister, who you so totally didn't sleep with, could see you now. Too bad some dragon god man probably has her sealed away in some alternate dimension to keep bound the only magic weapon that can kill him or whatever.

This chapter read like its own contained short story. I know I've commented before on how a few of these chapters (not all of them) felt a little decompressed. They weren't empty of content, they were deficient of substance, but it at times felt as if some scenes stretched on longer than they strickly had to, or that plot progression was taking its sweet time. I'd say you're definately improving as this story progresses.

"He'd only known one other swordsman who drew with his left hand."

I went on youtube just now to confirm that Ike is right-handed. So that would probably be Link. Hmm... and Zelda's appeared already.

When I saw the alert for this chapter in my inbox, I did quite the double take. Oh happy day!

So in a word (or four): I loved this chapter.

More specifically: Marth wandering off to battle people beside lakes (actually, Marth wandering off, period) makes me heartsick and anxious. I know he has proved that he is capable of taking care of himself; indeed, he's proved to be one of the most resilient characters in this story. Neither I nor Roy have much reason to worry. But still. It isn't entirely Marth's safety that twists my stomach whenever he goes away, and leaves Roy wondering what has become of him - it's that thirteen chapters later, I still don't quite trust Marth not to walk off into the horizon and vanish. He and Roy are so different in regards to their relationship - Roy seems as good as yoked (by his own choice, as if his proximity to Marth is for his well-being; Marth is the person he cannot survive without). But Marth? I can't make up my mind about him. His own reactions to the relationship are so subtle and understated that it seems as if he is too detached to ever be as hungry a character as Roy - to ever need the relationship as much as Roy does.

But whatever the truth of Marth's feelings, I like how you emphasize the differences between him and Roy - not explicitly, but in such phrases as, "You are manufactured loyalty," (Gah, I love that line) that makes me wonder about Marth's... humanity? Individuality? His ability to be natural?

But the end of the chapter challenges my inability to completely trust Marth. Who knows? Perhaps he isn't as detached as I thought.

Also on the end of the chapter: optimistic!Roy is a fascinating character. He mentions the title! On another note, I now wonder - if I were to read back through this story - how many implicit references to the title might I catch? I think I'm due for another reread, anyway.

Roy is as viscerally, movingly portrayed as always. That passage - Roy's "ghost of an arm" - was especially well done. That is the kind of writing I can feel.

There's only one thing that bothered me - in the beginning, there were a couple of places where there are so many one liners that the writing feels disconnected and bumpy - staccato, perhaps. For example:

"Perhaps it would rain tomorrow or the day after.

He withdrew from the doorway.

Roy hadn't come back yet."

and...

"She woke up from standby as he approached.

He clucked gently and reached out to stroke her forehead.

She let out a low hum at his touch. Her ears flicked. Then she turned her head.

He followed her gaze."

The brief sentences are fine - classic El Nino1. What threw me, and made my read feel a bit rocky, was that so many of those sentences were their own lines. The ideas and actions are closely connected - they might read more smoothly if they were grouped together.

Anyway, great update! Thank you for the read, take care, and write more when you can. I look forward to another chapter.

Warning: Review contains chapter spoilers.

Dr. Stewart NOoOoOoOoOoOoOO!

I don't have much to say for this chapter. "It's great, I enjoyed it, and I look forward to seeing the next," would be what I'd write if reviews were tweets.

BUT THEY'RE NOT!

Honestly, it feels a little strained reviewing (or rather commenting on. Reviews aren't reviews on FFDOTNET) the middle of a story, chapter by chapter. I've noticed this on other stories too, so it's nothing particular to you. It's easy to speculate and comment on the properties of a story at the beginning. And there's a lot one can say by the end, given how exciting endings are, what with all the story/plot threads collapsing and the revelations or exploding faces or falling rocks and whatnot. The middle of a story? I just want to read what happens next, not analyse it in segments. Or state my expectations over and over, pestering the writer when they're trying to get the bloody thing done and stave off the inner critics for just a little while longer.

"I must know what happens next" seems like the best possible compliment for a middle chapter, to me. And I grant this chapter that high praise, as I have all the others. So far. But I'm keeping my eye on it!

Oh Roy and Marth, we leave you alone for half a chapter, HALF A CHAPTER, and here you go losing body parts. Typical FE brats. This wouldn't have happened to Hector or Ike. Looks like Roy should have taken Chen's warning in chapter 6 seriously. I hope we see more of Goroh, because his brief appearance here was pretty cool. Chilling even. Didn't know he had it in him.

So, the mystery of Zelda deepens. What does she know? What does she want (besides pawning Olimer off on someone else)? Who's she working for? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're setting us up for some hawt Samus on Snake action. Not that I'd mind. (Samus tops, no question.)

I have to say, I didn't expect the Other Captain and his mini pod people to make it into this fic. Complete surprise there. Snake tripping out over the other creepy plants R.O.B.'s tending is fascinating. Granted, the Metal Gear universe has plenty of its own WTFness to go around, but I like how you're making Snake's transition into the Wonderful World of Nintendo creepy and unsettling. You step into a universe of talking turtles riding smiling clouds, hills with eyes, and plants gnashing teeth and see how well you hold it together. Put away the happy pills, Snake. You won't need them where you're going.

And I think I only just now realized, this rainy planet Snake's on, it isn't Hanenbow from Electroplankton or whatever is it? Just a wild guess.

Also, Samus's time spend on the LoZ planet again brings in the trope of characters training in old school martial arts dojos. The FE guys, possibly Falcon, Samus, and other you probably haven't mentioned. I wonder if this is tying into something bigger. Or not. Another great fight scene, too, adding to the whole martial arts epic feel.

"Right now," he told her, "you're the only thing in this room that makes any goddamn sense."

"You fell into it, and the fall didn't end until your survival instincts kicked in and forced you to pull back to a safe place.

Dave figured that now was probably a good time to get off the drugs."

Ha ha, love it!

I'm also wondering what the Sheikah master meant when asking Samus about the "limitations of her body?" Impa was a Sheikah in OoT, did they give her s*it for it too? I think he's digging for something else, and I can think of a few options about what that might be, or maybe I'm over thinking it.

I also love how you described Samus not having developed the emotion of fear. Nice characterization there.

I think the line: "You are clearly a woman," could be cut. I mean, clearly. Not an easy thing to hide, outside the suit.

Well, there's one thing that's really bugging me about this chapter, but I'll save it for a PM.

Fight the Power, Mild out.

I like your writing so much that I'm willing to come away from my lazy lurking and actually comment, for once, haha. Seriously, I've read plenty of original and fan fiction and yours is definitely better than most of it. Here, Marth and Roy don't feel like lazy cardboard cutouts of the yaoi stereotypes, they seem like actual people that I can identify with. Your plots in general also stand high above most others in that it's obvious that you either know where you're going or you're amazing at knowing how to lead on from where.

I guess what I'm saying in a rambly way is that you should keep writing, because there need to be as many writers like you as possible around to stop people like me losing hope, hah. Thanks )

Oh, crap. It feels like forever since I read this. Still as good as I remember.

You know, I just love how you write Roy. He does stupid things and those things come back to bite him (hard enough that it sometimes hurts to read - but that only puts me in greater awe of this story). He's trapped by his own inadequacy - or would it perhaps be more accurate to say his rashness? - and that only renders the common sense of his retrospective despairing ("If Roy had broken that lamp, he would have won the duel. It would have been easy. Break it. Break it. And then Roy would have gotten him. Simple.") all the more poignant. His anguish is alive, and it comes through powerfully.

I loved this chapter. Everyone possesses such vibrant characters - Samus "born on a deep space colony" and descended from "a lineage of Spacers" - her goal is as sharp as steel and her pace toward it is inexorable; Dave (or would it be Snake?), surrounded by fuzzy, smiling, fanged plants (who knows? considering the world he's woken up into, fanged vegetation might actually be the reality). I really like Zelda and Wolf Link in this - Zelda because she isn't quite human (and probably not insane, but from Dave's point of view, that's a matter that is up for debate) and Link because, well, its Wolf Link. And he takes a nap. And he is therefore awesome. xD I really liked that detail, for some odd reason.

I live for the little details you scatter throughout, and how they at once paint the setting and characterize the people populating that scene. For example, "She leaned forward just then, toward him, and he had a fist ready, even though the apartment hadn't been built for three people, much less a slug-fest." One favourite line of mine.

And as to favourite scenes? Samus and Dave rebuilding the greenhouse, only to be confronted with Olimar climbing into Zelda's hand - it made me laugh. I really like how you handle the atmosphere of your scenes: the tense, explosive, and deadly ones contrasted by the sweeter ones. They all have their rougher, grimmer edges - the larger story, and the threats it poses, is always there - but the feelings that each scene evokes is distinct. Roy at the mercy of his assailant, for instance: I was afraid for him. The brevity of your prose, excellent always but particularly effective here, really added to the tension: because it's spare, it makes the danger all the more apparent and immediate.

Excellent.

I give your overall work a 8.5/10. The only thing I can really nitpick about is the apparent lack of sounds. I read through the entire thing, the emotion was beautiful, the concept dark and edgy, but without sound description, it just feels... Like everything's abandoned.

Maybe that was what you were aiming for in certain parts, but in places where there are suppost to be people, it's eerie.

Warning, this review contains spoilers for chapter 11.

YES!

When I saw this story on the front page, I stopped and stared for a moment. Blinked. Then I went to the window to see if the sun had exploded or if hell had opened up and unleashed its ravenous hordes upon the world of mortals. I tease because I love. And love is the theme of this review.

Yes, I read a chapter, then take a week to review. It takes me that long to get my thoughts in order. Didn't work this time, as you'll soon read.

I noted today that this story is 34K plus words long. That puts it in the novella range. That really struck me because I don't think I'd be able to cram as much content into 34k as you have here.

Man, you were running clean, lean, and mean with this chapter.

I'm not going to quote any particular lines in this review because the whole chapter was a highlight for me. I'd be pasting half the chapter in here. The best entry so far IMO. Not a single line sounded off. Or maybe I was too distracted. By all the awesome.

I loved Snake's ruminations on the endless swallowing terrors of space and the failure of future!medicine. Reminded me of one of William Gibson's short stories, and that's never a bad thing.

I loved how Samus's appearance in this chapter is as faceless and sudden as the xenomorph's attacks in Ridley Scott's film Alien. She crashes into this motherfucker like a monster. That reference works so well, considering Alien was one of the inspirations for Metroid.

I loved how Snake still had a classic handgun. I loved the brief action sceen.

LOVE! Aghghghghghg!

Okay, I've got to prove myself a liar and quote one line: "'You still need guys like me?' he remembered asking."

There is a world of disappointment and crushing despair contained within that single, seemingly offhand question. Snake fought for a better future, even as he lost faith that such a thing was possible. And now, to be woken up and find his old job waiting for him. Words cannot describe...

Substance abuse! Yes! Great to see another noir/cyberpunk staple in attendance.

The third person POV was cropped so close it was almost 1st person. That was a nice touch.

Your style of sparse, short paragraphs-often consisting of a single sentence-really paid off here. Gave the chapter, esp. the opening, the quality of a raspy, gravel-voiced 1st person narration, appropriate for Snake.

In fact, the observations and impressions were spot on for Snake. Even though his codename (we all know Dave is no more his real name than Snake is) is not mentioned the whole chapter, there was no doubt who was "speaking." Alaska! He stole Samus's armor! ARGHGHGHGHGRL! All that's left is to have him growl "War. War has changed." Or, "Metal...Gear?" Joking, but it's nice to see Snake so in-character with none of his popular memes present as a crutch.

So, that's wolf!Link I take it. And Zelda wasn't sure Snake was real, gotta wonder what that's about. And why she decided to stand between the Hunter and her prize. I can't wait to see what Snake's role in this will be. I can't wait to see how Samus and Zelda hook up. My mouth sports more froth than a cappuccino.

Another line: "No man could pilot it.

They needed a woman."

Ominous!

Who will be the woman? Peach? Lyn? (Toad?)

Amusing to see the FE boys struggling through the desert. Desert levels in FE games always did suck, what with their movement range penalties and all.

Vultures! Foreshadowing! (Maybe).

Lurve you!

-Mild out.

oh I'm so glad you've continued this, definitely my favorite Smash Brothers fanfiction!

I look forward to the next installment!