Back-room murder mystery! :O Oh my goddesess!

(falls off of chair in shock)

Intresting plot-twist.

Seriously though this story seems a bit rushed.

Are we suppose to know Zaein yet cause I don't feel any connection whatsoever to him. I can't feel he is apart of anything and I think it's cause of the lack of details or I am just pickey and this story isn't right for me then. :(

A back-chapter would be helpfull no? and besides what kind of leader is she for not warning her people? Remeber the huge warning delay at the virginia tech shooting? that's what could happen to Hyrule.

Heck if she encouraged arming private citizens they would fight back and be an essintal Hyrule army.

She could also just evacuate her people to a friendly nation for safety precautions. It's a tough thing as hell for a leader to do but it's doable. Just think this is way easier then evacuating the USA.

You know the old rule.

SAFETY FIRST!

No review cause this is a proloug of stuff people should already know before they even attemp to read this.

There I'm reviewing. Happy? You'd better be. While I was reading this I was at the risk of being grounded. (As in, I'm reading this when I'm supposed to be doing my homework... XD)

It's comming along real nicely Lost.

Hmm, not bad. Your writing appears to be free of any glaring errors in grammar and spelling, which is more than some people can manage. The only criticism I have is for you to experiment with different ways of expression. Instead of saying "he/she said" or "he/she was", look up different adjectives, verbs, or phrases that will add a zest to your writing.

Also, you don't have to start every paragraph with an action or somebody talking. Mix those up too; you can start a paragraph with maybe an abstract expression or statement, and build on that as the paragraph goes on.

Well, since this is only the Prologue and first chapter, that's all I have to say. If you want me to, I'll come back and review when your next chapter comes up. Just give me a holler. ]

Intriguing!

The chapter may be a little too expository for its own good. We learn in very short order that Ganondorf is trying to break out, that Zelda is queen, a brief description of Zaien's past, and that a man at the temple has been murdered. Phew. As breathless as the telling is, I couldn't help but feel a bit like I was being swept along too quickly.

You may want to hold back the revelation that Ganondorf is trying to escape, and parse out the details more slowly. On that same token, it could work to actually show us the scene in which the Wizard reveals the coming terror. Perhaps that should come AFTER the murder at the temple. It's only theory, but it may make the story read a little more smoothly.

A small quibble: Ganondorf is already wriggling out of the Sacred Realm after only six months? That's a pretty crappy seal there, Sages. Even if he's getting out through a mystical back door, it's obvious that they didn't think that one through too well. It might help if the time between sealing and escape is expanded, but I think that's up in the air.

Overall, the story feels rushed but narratively sturdy. Zaein is an interesting addition who could be expanded upon in the coming chapters, and the cliffhanger at the end of the chapter is good set-up indeed. I look forward to where you might go with this.

Cool chapter.

Oh, and Ahumatae, Link is gone because at the end of OoT, he was returned to his own time, and therefore he didn't exist in the one he saved anymore. I'm sure Lost has already told you, but I'm just making sure (though I doubt you'll even read this review).

Okay, Link is gone... and there's someone dead. I think that this either means that A.) Link just murdered someone (which I happen to find unlikely) or B.) The hero has vanished forever, never to be seen...

Your writing is as beautiful as the sunset. The words flow from the page like the water in a fountain of light. The emotions are encased in a smooth piece of glass that shatters, yet never breaks...

Yes, I'm in the writing mood, too, my friend...

Amazing! The writing style is flawless, the emotions are incredibly well played...I love it!

Hey Lost! This sounds good so far, even if the first chapter is just kinda narrating what we all know, but it was nessesary (blarg, I can't spell!) and actually interesting! Wish I could post on FRPGs or actually have a signed review, but I've been having trouble with my password. Gr...

Good prologue. It looks to be the beginning of something truly epic, and the final line really hooked me. I only have two concerns:

1) "So then, in the beginning of time, the three goddesses ascended from the heavens to shape the land of Hyrule."

Do you mean the three goddesses "descended"?

2) "However, the Hylians became greedy, and claimed more than was rightfully theirs for themselves... this saddened the rest of the species, but they couldn't do anything about it when the Hylians advanced even into Hyrule Field: The place meant for them all to share."

Something about this block of text bothers me. I don't think it's pertinent to the rest of the prologue.

Anyways, nice job. I'll be waiting for the next chapter.

Dannondorf

It's cool.

Well, this first chap was pretty much just explaining what we already know, but I have a feeling that this is really going to get good once the plot starts coming. Update soon!

Personally I really think this is some serious shit.

Please think over your potential as a writer.

Love ya babes, Ryan

P.S. Get a new idea

Can't wait to see the next chapter, (Or the real charpter if this was just the prolouge.) even though I helped write it I still want to read it.

Certainly an intriguing opening, if not a little redundant. The evocative desription of the Goddesses's creation of Hyrule is definitely stronger than the recap of Ocarina - which, I guess is inevitable.

I am curious as to where you are going with this, and naturally will be watching closely. ;)