Good bye !

Nice job but, needs al lot more chapters

re-check who is saying what
ex.
brock should sleep ion the couch and you in the bed. said Brock
What?! said Brock
But taking that aside it is perfect!

u hav got 2 make more of this storie it is very good and a lot of other people think so 2

dude you have to finish this story it is so good

I think the author is going to put a lot at the same time like he did with the others

Can u please make more stories please? Because as I can see the last story u made was in 2007 which is a long time ago, can u please make more Pokemon stories, please?

Are u going to make anymore stories? I hope u make a lot more stories

cool

cool

ok

OK!

For ages i've been searching for an Ash and OC lovestory, but that's just WAYYYYYY TOOOO I-R-O-N-I-C!

My names Maddison! People call me Maddie, but still, wayyy tooo ironic!

I'll be honest. If you do decide to update this fanfic, I probably won't be one of the people reading the new chapters. Take this as a flame if you want, but do take these tips to heart.

Grammar - I quote a T-shirt design I saw in an online store, "I am disappointment in you're grammar". You have sentences that would make more sense if words were swapped around. Example: Second sentence of chapter 3: "What we should do first?" ask Ash. Compare that to: "What should we do first?" asked Ash. Which makes more sense?

Tense - For the most part, your tenses are okay. You used past tense for most of the story. But, when it came to question dialog lines, you need to use "asked" instead of "ask".

Detail - Something you lack. There is very little detail in this story. Add some and it'll make your story much more longer and way more interesting. It would completely reduce the amount of one-liners in your story.

Oh, and just a minor detail, Dawn's name in Japan is Hikari, not Hiraki.

Work on these tips and I'm sure you'll produce a much better fanfic. Helix's rating: 3/10. Could be way better.

I hope you will update this story soon.

heyy, I REALLY like the amazing story so far, its really realistic and makes me laugh when the girls squabble a lot. To improve maybe Ash could sorta notice it a bit more and do something instead of just being puzzled. Also, please please please write more, maybe even finish it, its a really good story to just leave. Well done for the amazing story so far though!

Ha, I love stories where Ash is a ladies man! And it's so in character and in universe, I hope you write more! Nice idea of a league!