HURRY UP AND UPDATE! GO NEJI DONT DIE!

OMG OMG OMG! PLZ UPDATE! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!11

PLZ UPDATE SON! I DON'T WANT NEJI TO DIE!

Keep writing it's good. It's always interesting to see this strong character break.

Okay, normally when I see a store witted in script mode (ie: Name: blablabla) I don’t read it, because I don’t like strip style, but the summary caught my curiosity, so here is my review!

My first suggestion is to change to narrative with dialogs marked in quotes (like you almost did in the last part of the chapter).

Second, you switch the point of view too much, leave it in one person or in normal point of view, switch it can be very confused (and some times makes your head hurt)

I like the idea you have here is a cute plot bunny, you just need to write it better to work more and should be fine. (By the why, Hinata’s little sister name is Hanabi not Hinabe)

Take care.

Good start and I really hope you update soon. Some spelling errors that you might want to fix just to make your story that much better but other than that...REALLY GOOD!