Bad review skills - active.

This is the best rendition of this scene I've ever read. I happen to be one of those people that loves stories whatever the tense, but present tense was a really good choice here. Arkham is so cold and remorseless and Mary is exactly what I'd expect her to be given what we know about her past. Interesting take on Kalina Ann too.

This is utterly brilliant. Just a perfect glimpse of an awful moment, neatly drawing all the little threads of Lady's past (outboxing bullies, knowing where the guns are) into a scenario that will eventually define her. Amazingly well done; thank you for posting. :)

First I'll touch on story and character before moving onto technique. Choosing this scene, one that we've heard about but never seen, was a good choice. It's always better to tap an untouched vein with fan fiction than something that's been done over and over.

And this is an excellent set-up to future chapters in that it feels like a tease for a Mary-centric story about her personal growth from teenage tragedy case to hardened demon hunter. I wouldn't mind reading more.

I'll also give you a point for building on her character retrospectively. We know that Mary has a lot of gun savvy in later life, so giving her a childhood where she's growing up around guns and being taught how to use them makes sense.

It also makes sense if Mary's own mother has a penchant for them herself, since now we know where she gets it from. Not much is mentioned about Mary's mother in-game, so making her into this militant figure gives us an insight into the foundation that made her the woman she now is. It also gives depth to a game we are already familiar with.

Arkham is sublime here. He’s very cold, very clinical. There’s barely any emotion coming off him. He’s exactly the kind of sociopath I’d expect from how he behaves in the game. It does make you wonder if he loved Mary’s mother at all, or if he planned this all along. It seems like the latter to me. He’s delightfully cruel though. An excellent antagonist for the growing Mary to prepare herself for mentally and physically. It almost seems a shame that Mary doesn't actually have a hand in his downfall in the game itself.

The opening of the story has a lot of punch. The first line is enough to draw us in, the second drags us deeper. By the first paragraph we already know what kind of kid Mary is. Not your average, that is for certain. Strong, self-confident, and ahead of her years insofar as her extra-curricular activities go. And then bam, straight back to the ugly present again. The yo-yo effect is very well executed.

The line about the books and the nuns was a nice one. It’s like the last “normal” thought she ever has before normal is replaced with this new, frightening reality she has fallen into.

The take-home line is maybe a little long. Doesn’t have the impact I think it should. Trimming words might help. As I’ll mention later, if you can get rid of a word from a sentence, it’s a good idea to do so. You can be more creative with simple sentence structure.

You do seem to slip between narration and internal monologue a little too easily. There are lines that seem a little too personal to be narrative, but aren’t in italics. “Don’t look” is one. That should maybe have been a short burst of inner monologue, a command to herself.

On the other hand “because nothing slows you down, Mare, etc.” Is in italic but isn’t separated from the rest of the sentence. A full stop might work in there, or maybe missing out the internal monologue completely. Saying that she remembers why her mum leaves guns loaded in the rack could probably stand alone without the quote from her mother in there as well.

I see you’ve used present tense. It's a difficult tense to use well in fiction, but it does give the story immediate quirk points, since it isn’t used often. The pace here is almost breathless, racing from one thing to another. Every sentence sounds like it's read by someone who's hyperventilating. Which, in Mary's panicked state of mind, seems appropriate.

You’ve also kept the narrative very consistent throughout. There’s very little here I can spot that really seems out of place for the character you are narrating for.

I notice a lot of sentences that run on, often adding many clauses after the main one. Obviously I know that is for effect, but I'd advise caution when doing this as it can lead to some phrases losing their power. For example, in this sentence:

"But that's peripheral, that's the frayed edges of a rapidly unravelling reality, and in the center is a stomach slashed wide, spilling entrails, the mouth that used to smile slack and open, the eyes staring, staring, staring."

I love this sentence, but I can't help but feel that you could have used full stops here to break it into more manageable chunks. Example:

"But that's peripheral. That's the frayed edges of a rapidly unravelling reality, and in the center is a stomach slashed wide, spilling entrails. The mouth that used to smile slack. The eyes staring, staring, staring."

Obviously, that makes the last two sentences fragments, but saying the mouth hangs slack and the eyes bulge would solve that. Some phrases deserve a sentence to themselves. And I think chopping up your sentences will help to emphasise each horrible moment one after the other as Mary drinks it all in. Another example:

"It's gaining weight and solidity, the nightmare following her out of her mind and into her life."

Or:

"It's gaining weight and solidity. The nightmare follows her out of her mind and into her life."

Someone advised me, a little while ago, to cut down on the number of adjectives I use. I could definitely see their point, since I think trimming excess words can make a sentence flow a whole lot easier. Example:

"She could have laughed, if she wasn't silently choking on the stench."

I think you could just as easily remove the "silently" here. Same here:

"He just looks at her, completely unmoved."

Here it's actually more important, because Arkham's stoicness can be sold more convincingly by the word "unmoved" standing alone. It has more gravity when it has no adjective.

My critic basically said any word ending in -ly can be done away with. I'd agree with this, because when you cut these words out you have to start looking for more original ways of saying things. Likewise, you also simplify and declutter your sentences. They read easier, quicker and have more impact than when you get tangled in suddenlys, quicklys and completelys.

There’s also something a little disjointed about some of the sentences that links back to what I was saying about more full stops. You switch topics mid-sentence in ways that doesn't seem natural.

But again, its difficult to argue this point when there is the matter of attempting to add stress to the narrative. In a situation like this, thinking isn't smooth. It's chaotic and random, at times. I actually liked the mention of the ticking clock, just as something Mary is noticing. And also to show that time goes on, no matter what terrible things happen. I suppose I can't really press the issue without arguing personal preference.

But aside from arguing the finer points of technique, I have to say that this is an excellent story. Some of these descriptions make me boggle. I even went a little green with envy the first time I read that unravelling reality line. And I just love the stoic quality of Arkham, the way he doesn’t so much as bad an eyelid at the crime he has committed.

The visceral description of the corpse, as well, is very, very well done. And it’s awesome that this is how Mary got her scar too. It’s the real icing on the back story cake. You have definitely managed to keep the emotion and the stress high in this, and it makes feeling Mary’s character and mental state very easy. It is short at just over a thousand words, but doesn't feel like it. It's just the right length.

So that’s about as frank as I can get. Hope I’ve managed to be civil too. I have tried to give as rounded a critique as I could, and focus as much on what I liked as what I felt might be changed. And, as I said, this is about as harsh as I am capable of being. I hope it helps in some way. If you want to rebut anything then let me know. I always like to talk shop. Anyway, I really do hope you continue this story, either way. I’d love to see more.

Wow. This is a really amazing fic. The style of the writing, the scenes your descriptions paint, and the behaviour of the characters are all dead on for the games. You paint a really (slightly disturbing) vivid picture of the whole bloody affair that made me feel as if I was right there in the room when it happened.

And there were loads of nice touches. I loved the line where Lady says something like 'Monsters should at least have the decency to look like monsters!'. One of the things I so liked about DMC3 was that it showed how evil comes in all shapes, not just in the form of Devils.

And the ending was really clever as well - how she promises to herself that she wont cry, and of course when she finally does kill Arkham she does, and mentions how she told herself she wasn’t going to cry - just like you have at the end of this! Brilliant.

Oh, VERY good retelling of a famous imagined moment. I say that, because we don't actually know how it went down, if Mary was even present, but that's not the point, basically somehow, sometime it happened, and you did an awesome version of it here 8). I'm not sure where to begin, from the start it sweeps you up in the perspective, maddening feel of disbelief and tumbling emotions Mary's experiencing. I especially loved the line that started "But that's peripheral, that's the frayed edges of a rapidly unravelling reality". That was an awesome part there, I want to take it and frame it, SO well-put, artistically, even. A fantastic chapter in my opinion, I hope you do continue it .

didn't read your story, but DMC the manga number 3 is out.

Oh well I did like a fast read, and there's no such thing as a 44 automatic pistol. there was something called A 44 auto mag, but they don't make it any more. and the only way you might be abel to get bellets for it is to cut down a 30.30.

Ooh, what a wonderful thing to find at the top of my weekly DMC check! There isn't a ton of litterate DMC!Fic and anything about Lady is nice to see. "Rite moar" goes without saying.

I like the emphasis on senses at the beginning, the alertness to everything that is caused by the event and stretches throughout the piece.

The inhumanity of the murder, coupled with the fact that Arkham has become inhuman: is she reacting to the murder, or does she sense it even before he strikes too quickly?

Arkham's 'explanation' and her reaction to it, or the lack of it is good. This is something monumental yet for him it is merely something on the checklist for achieving his real goal.

Good explanation for her skills in the game.

The ending line seems a little off, that she's thinking about the future so soon after this, you would think she'd need more time, but then she already did try to kill him. However, you make the point a few paragraphs before that the hate isn't strong enough yet to shift her focus from what she sees now to the future. So it seems a little quick... I don't know.

Other than that tiny thing, quite good.