"OH MY SWEET LIVING JESUS!"

Write more

U need to continu the story

It was quick ... it will need improvement, especially the 'hot scenes' because it was quick.

There was no development, you should read more Lemons, not just some 3rd rate hack. Anyways, try to do what I said, for a lemon to succeed, the storytelling must also succeed. Remember, we have no visual pictures to help us to feel what you want us to feel.

So, it all comes down to how you tell the story, even if it was a LEMON, WAFF, or some other kind of story.

Just some constructive criticism mate,

Cheerio,
Scarabeye3000

The movie is Homeward Bound. Great movie. Gotta find the dvd

The movie is Homeward Bound. Great movie. Gotta find the dvd

I have now broken 3 sheets of glass, dented a desk, and somehow crushed an apple with my forehead. ow.

I think I just smashed my head trough a pane of safety glass in embarresment.

I think, if i remember correctly, the movie was Armageddon.

Konichiwa! ok i have to say this was pretty awesome ur a really good writer. i hope u write more for this.

Holy crap LOL

Once again your work just amazes me this is another good story I just love your style of story telling. I think out of all the writers that I have reviewed you rank #1. You have a true talent for Eva fan fiction that may the reason why every Eva fic of yours that I have read has made it to my favs list. well hope to see some new Eva titles soon bye for now.

P.S. I plan to write my own eva fic but I have a hard time doing eva all of the eva fics I've done have been so bad that I never put them on the website. I could use some help.

I'm sorry, but this just isn't that good. First off, I can pretty much tell you where one might just give up on this fic.

[She had her orgasm and she screamed: “AH!” And then she slumped down limply, panting for breath.](chapter one)

Now, while I myself am not any good with writing, I can tell when I'm reading the work of a hack. This, my friend, is the work of a hack. It's like you just typed out a list and added dialogue to disguise it.

stalk-tease-touch-suck-handjob-sex-cum

Look, your only problem seems to be having good ideas but a lack of writing abilities, a condition from which I also suffer. Otherwise, this would've been a good lemon. My advice is to get a pre-reader, perhaps maybe even an editor. Or spend some time studying the works of the afore-mentioned lemon gods. Otherwise expect honest reviews like this and some of the others.

Yikes! For a R/S fan you can really get Asuka and Shinji down and dirty.

hehehehehe, liked it mon