These short stories are wonderful. you capture the characters well, and the emotion are just bursting off the pages. I hope you still write fanfiction, I would like to read more. Big fan of your work!

Aw... *sniff* this just make's me wanna hug Jack...

Nicely written

have a cookie!

/ K

*blinks several times*

Serious congrats on what you did with the ending … and all around, your editing was great!

~Shiva’s Avatar~

Oh god!

I started to cry during this!

In fact I'm still crying...

Such a sad story told with such talented words. I admire you greatness! Please, write more!

Such a way with words, you have!

He’d shown up on night frustrated from what the monks had said to him about his loyalties.

Should be "He'd shown up one".

Rai had leaned over while I was drawing and had painted the rings on with a smudged yellow thumb. I looked up into shining eyes, into beautiful bright orbs, and broke down into tears. He just kissed me again and again. That night I learned what passion was really all about. All night long he whispered to me promises of commitment and love everlasting. I cried and kissed back, full of joy and hope … lacking words to express how much he meant to me. I wish that night hadn’t been an illusion, a high I’d never be able to reach again.

That paragraph about killed me. Gah, what a lovely but sad illusion. It'd make a pretty picture for sure.

“Your ring is clean, too clean, for someone who would wear it all the time.”

Sounds a bit odd to me.

"You're ring is too clean for someone who wears it all the time."

That implies just enough that he doesn't think Raimundo wears it. Or you could say

“Your ring is clean. Too clean, for someone who wears it all the time.”

Though I admit that sounds more serious then angry.

Anger stormed through his forest eyes and I recoiled from the intensity in those emerald spheres.

"forest eyes" sounds better as "forest colored eyes" and I think the sentence sounds better without "in those emerald spheres" as you've already told us about his eyes. Also, "Anger stormed across" sounds better than "Anger stormed through".

We came to blows quicker than ever before. After dealing me a blow that left me dizzy on the floor, he suddenly stopped. I forced myself up to face him and rather then the fury that had been there earlier, something unreadable was pooled in his eyes.

I love this part. Its so... subtle. I can guess what Raimundo is thinking, even when you don't say it or really imply it.

“This wasn’t working, we weren’t compatible, we weren’t meant to be, we’d tried and it just wasn’t working, we should move on.”

This sounds odd in past tense. Did Raimundo use past tense when he said those things? It also sounds a bit run-on, though I understand that it could work here, in present tense.

"This isn't working. We aren't compatible and we're not meant to be. We tried and it just isn't working. We should move on."

Might sound a bit less cluttered.

This time I didn’t cry. I stood there helplessly, my heart hurting worse than the slap he’d given me.

"This" should be "that". "I" should be "I'd".

The bird trapped inside my ribcage slammed into the walls till its wings bled. He disappeared after an eternity that I rationally knew was only a handful of seconds; the whirlwind of his words leaving me feeling breathless and tired.

"He disappeared after an eternity..."

If you use "Raimundo" instead of "He" there, its easier to realize you mean Raimundo and not the bird or Jack himself. Also, the semicolon should be a comma.

The bird was still; silent and broken. Wings obliterated from its struggles, blood splattered on clean white bars, cold and lifeless on the floor of its prison.

It was over. Everything was over.

Very powerful ending, wonderful job! Sorry for the unasked for beta. ; I just meant to point out a few things, but I might have gotten out of hand. In any case, I love the idea for this fic. I could see it happening. If I could draw, I’d draw the scene where they fought. Again, good job. I'd like to read more from you. :)

PS: The people over at the LJ communities for Raimundo/Anyone ( community. and XS Slash ( community. would surely appreciate this fic. :) I see that Shiva's Avatar posted over at the Rai/Anyone community too!

O.o how morbid...in a good way

oh my god this was so tragically beautiful!